Unwanted--BTS--Soulmate AU

Loved You

Song: You Broke Me First by Conor Maynard

A long silence stretched between Yoongi and I after his confession. I didn't know how to fill it, or if I even wanted to. What was I even feeling in that moment? I didn't know. The past few weeks had been nothing but larger than life emotions that had stretched out my nerves. The only things I could taste were fear, anger, nausea, relief, and regret. Tears filled my eyes as I stared at Yoongi.

"Please say something aein," he pleaded.

I brought a trembling hand to my lips. I desperately wanted to say so many things to him but words were momentarily beyond me. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, trying to center myself. I reached deep down inside of my core for the strength of the stubborn little girl that grew into the brave woman I used to be, in order to help me steel myself against the onslaught of emotions that battered at me.

I thought of a young Sabrina who watched her parents' cold, loveless marriage turn into bitter acceptance and vowed never to let that happen to her. I reached for the clumsy teenager of my youth who battled to perfect the difficult ballet moves until her feet bled. I pulled on the courage of the young woman who left everything she had ever known to seek a better life. I wasn't going to let all of the lessons I learned and experiences I lived go to waste. I had to keep fighting for myself.

I opened my eyes and looked at Yoongi with new determination as I shoved down the feelings of despair, regret, and grief.

"All my life, all I ever wanted was to be loved. Truly loved. I grew up with parents who only offered me the facade of love for outside appearances. So I turned to my books and imagination to fill the void inside of myself. I read of great loves throughout history and in fantasy books, thinking that one day, I'd meet my own soulmate and we'd be so in love that it would burn the world down with its intensity."

Yoongi sucked in a pained breath at that but I ignored him and the twinge in my gut as I went on.

"And then I met an older boy, a man really, who gave me so much time and attention that I misconstrued it as love. But it wasn't. He was the worst kind of user. A monster who twisted me into what he wanted for his own sick pleasures. An angry man who hurt an innocent girl, over and over. But even so, I thought I was in love, and I sacrificed myself for that fake love," I said, smiling wryly.

"You know, when I first heard your song FAKE LOVE, I sobbed. It fit me too well and that cut me deeply, but it helped me heal despite all that. But anyway, when I realized that he, Hunter, didn't really love me and that I had let him play me with his mind games for years, I left. And it really cost me. I couldn't dance for years because the physical and mental injuries he inflicted on me held me back. But I made it out. I was safe. But you know the biggest joke of it all? I thought that I was finally free to find my great, destined love, but I was a fool..." I trailed off hoarsely.

"Sab-"

I cut Yoongi off, "No. Listen. I've heard you and now you need to hear me."

His nostrils flared and he watched me with pupils blown wide from desperation but he nodded curtly for me to go on.

"I know Penny gave you my journals and I assume you've read them," I paused as his eyes darted away in shame and I nodded grimly to myself. "At least I don't have to relive it all again, so there's that. But the short of it is, he never left my mind. I was free but he still haunted me. And then he found me here in Seoul. I don't know how but he did, but he's been harassing me since I met you. I tried to hide from it and deny that he was back but I can't anymore. I'm sorry I kept that from you. I was just...so afraid you'd see me differently. That you'd decide I wasn't worth the trouble after all. But maybe if I would've told you then we wouldn't be here now," I choked out.