It's Me, It's You (Lesbian Romance)

CHAPTER 20

Jo curled herself in bed. How many times does she going to endure this kind of feeling? How many times does she need to punch her walls to realize this is all a lie? First, Heather introduced herself at her as Mae which is false. Second, Heather introduced herself to Jean using her ex-girlfriend's last name. which is worst. Last, Heather is just fooling around with her. Period.

"Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Nakakaramdam ako ng... ng... ng GALIT! Tama! GALIT AKO!" Jo said in a small voice. She can even see her inner god fanning himself in anger. His half-moon specs are smoking.

Suddenly, her phone rung a message, but totally ignored it. She's not in the mood to hear any explanation from Heather. Stating the obvious, Jo believes that Heather is still inlove with her four-year relationship girlfriend: Tops.

"Oh yea, her old shitworld," she said through gritted teeth. "How coud I forget?"

[Conscience alert: Are you jealous?]

Tumigil ka! Hindi noh! Ang akin lang, ang dami-dami naman niyang pwedeng gamiting apelyido bakit yun pa?!

[Conscience alert: Err―no comment.]

Jo sighed and this time, her cellphone rings again. Hah! I will never open your message. I don't want to read any of your nice explanation. I don't want to hit reply and see myself understanding your side. I don't want―I just don't―well, who could ever resist your charming epistle, Miss Heather? This is so plain stupid falling in love! Jo heaved.

<<._ soRRy .. iLoveYou...>>

"This. Is. Getting. More. Serious. Now." Jo muttered closing her eyes. Her inner god was hiding somewhere in the corner of his couch whispering how mercurial she is. From smile to anger down to jealousy and confusion. But this is her weakness: Heather's "sorrys" and "I love yous". These are the nice explanation.

<<iloveyou too.>>

<<._ sorry... >>

<<yea, it's alright :)>>

<<._ doing now?>>

<<bed... you?>>

<<._ eto ayUs nG srili.. punTa kay loLo..>>

<<oh bkit?>>

<<._ nsa hOspital ee.. baBantayan co pu..>>

<<sori to hear that :'( ksama mo ppunta? qabi na ..>>

<<._ ihaHatid pu aco ni kuYa.. kamutor kme..>>

<<ah cqe.. inqat ha.. tex kna lanq paq nandun kna...>>

<<._ cqe.. tnx mhinE :)>>

<<u r always welcum :)>>

Going back to her reverie few minutes ago, she curled herself again thinking what would be the end of all these. She put her both palms on her face and did flashbacks.

Why do I feel like this? I mean... not that it's hard to love her. We are couple but try to turn the world up-side-down, still... we are women. Am I REALLY falling for her? But hell no! Let me clear it. How can a woman like me could also fall in love to her fellow... yeah, woman?

When I was a kid, I always go along with the boys. I play their games and I do their stuffs... And I grew boyish without knowing it...

Grade one, so young isn't it? I fell inlike with my enemy's best friend, Joanna. I was a mean kid back then and I always bully Erikka. But when I knew that she's close to my crush, I tried to be kind to her. Joanna was amazingly beautiful and has a very white complexion. I got to know also that her sister and my cousin were classmates. So every time she goes to their room, I go with her. We became closed but after two years, she transferred to another school.

Grade two, and then I fell inlike again with my two classmates. Cara, she's almost perfect to me. Beautiful, smart, kind but shy type. We weren't became closed because she always goes along with my other rich classmates. I'm not that rich so I have no confidence to be closed to her. But then, just like Joanna, she also transferred to another school. Another girl was Angel, a transferee from Leyte. I did everything to be her seatmate. We became closed. She puts red lipstick to cover her black lips. That's why, I'm turned off. And again, just like Joanna and Cara, she also transferred to another school without saying goodbye.

Grade three, and I had many suitors. I don't care. I just ignore them. If they don't stop on asking or calling out my name, I punch their back and throw my slipper on their face.

Grade four, and I met Leila. She's kind and I like her attitude. She's somewhat boyish but she's straight. She's petite and cute. We became best of friends. I was infatuated at her but then, it seems normal to me so I ignored the feeling. Again.

I was on fifth grade when I attracted to one of my classmates. Her name was Lily. She's pretty, intelligent and has a snowy skin. I like girls who has a very white skin. But it wasn't a big deal to me like, there's nothing wrong. I'm just attracted. That's all.

Sixth grade and another girl followed. Her name was Julienne, close friend of Lily. We were seatmates. We were not that closed but we were always partner in crimes. It was then I realized I like her when my shirt was wet and she gave me her orange shirt, for changing and also as a remembrance.

And it was like I ate a gallon of blush on! I can't stop my cheeks from burning that time! Thanks God she didn't notice.

My friend, who was one of her admirers asked me, "I knew it! You're a tom?!"

I was dumbfounded that I can't even respond.

"Woy, tinatanong kita kung tomboy ka ba?"

"Ba-bakit? Mukha ba 'kong tomboy?"

"Oo. Ang siga mo kaya magsalita. Tapos yang pananamit mo pa, daig mo pa ko. Minsan kahit nakapambabae ka, para ka paring lalake gawa nyang kilos mo barakong-barako eh. Tomboy ka no?"

"H-hindi ah! Medyo lang!" sabi ko saka na 'ko tumakbo para magbihis.

"Hoy Briones! Bumalik ka dito! Tarantadong batang 'to!" he shouted.

Sinara ko kaagad yung pinto ng CR pagpasok ko. Napasandal ako sa pintuan. Ang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko. Nagtakip ako ng tenga. Ewan ko pero bigla akong nainis.

Tomboy... I hate that word! Umiiyak na pala 'ko sa CR nun 'di ko pa alam. Naisip ko lang kasi... Pano kung tomboy nga ako? Matatanggap kaya nila ko? O itatakwil? Siguradong hindi nila ako maiintindihan. Tapos papalayasin nila 'ko. Siguradong ikakahiya nila ko. Saan kaya ako titira nun?

Sa takot ko na mangyari lahat ng yun, nagboyfriend ako... Madame... Timer pa ko nun... Sabi nila kalandian daw yun.... Pero hindi naman kasi nila 'ko naiintindihan eh... Sigurado naman akong babae ako... Maliban sa nararamdaman ko... They called it IDENTITY CRISIS.

"Identity crisis," she whispered slowly. After two years, she's getting back on it again now. Her inner god was beaming at her saying 'Good. Now you know.'

"Oh my sweet lord, this is wrong. I may be boyish but... why is it happening to me? I mean... boyish is totally different from lesbian right? Boyish, it's just how you dress up. Lesbian, it's how you act and look like a real man. Yea, I'm boyish but, why am I acting like a real man?" she said, slmost a whisper, pulling her blanket up to her chest.

"They say, once you fall inlove to your similar sex, you're a gay/lesbian," she said shutting her eyes close. "The question is... am I lesbian?"

Tears splattered on her face.

And she drifts as she loses herself in the sea of oblivion.