Art of Letting Go

CHAPTER 24

Threads of Truth

Last days event was very intertaining, my daughter really had fun through out the day, especially when she ask to participate to the games and activities that was prepared by the event organizers, talagang pati ako ay nag enjoy sa mga palaro kahit nanunuod lang ako sa malayo. I love how she manage to fairly play the game without peaking or trying to cheat. Talagang hindi nagmana sa tatay nya, salamat naman.

Kidding aside, I’m really proud of her for being fair yet competitive and for having the determination to win. Nakakatuwang makita ang anak mo na dahan-dahang ipinapakita ang ugaling nyang na mana sayo.

I'm enjoying a cup of coffee right now while reading my favorite novel. This work leave feels so relaxing, a break from work pressure, exhaustion and lethal environment will always be top tier. Parang gusto ko nang planohin ang susunod na leave ko sa trabaho, para mas ma enjoy ko ito. Baka sa susunod ay mag out of town naman kami ni Szhen.

"Azh, I notice your phone in your room while I'm cleaning the vanity, It keeps on vibrating anak," mom informed me and she handed me the phone.

"Thanks, mom. Maybe these are emails from our network."

She nooded as response at umakyat na pabalik sa taas. I immediately open my phone, I haven't check this since last day, I'm trying to avoid any pressures from my work kaya nga nag file ako ng tatlong araw na leave.

I was right, the notifications that my mom refers to, are the emails from our network and my manager. Grabi namang tadtad na tadtad ng messages ang phone ko, ayaw tumigil kaka-vibrate kahit chine-check ko na.

The context of the messages are filled with informations about the upcoming "thank-you" party. This messages leave me dumbfounded, I was so shock that the party will be held at preview hall today. Hindi naman kasi namin napag-usapan noong huling meeting namin na this week gaganapin ang event. Gosh, hindi naman porque nag accept ako ng rush event invitation ay susundan nyo agad ng another one! How can I even prepare for the party tonight if I only have few hours nalang? Though I can’t blame them dahil last last day pa sila nag announce about the party and since I didn’t check my phone I wasn’t informed, my bad.

I'm already complaining and murmuring even though I know it was my fault. They informed us ahead of time and gave us enought time span to prepare but I failed to do so kasi I was so busy for the past few days and I forget to check my emails or should I say iniwasan ko talagang eh chech ito. Gosh, what should I do?

I run heading to my room and open the cabinets, I have a pile of clothes but how can I find a perfect match for 1920's theme? If I just learned to manage my time baka nakapagpagawa o nakapagpatahi pa ako ng susuotin ko for this event! I know I’m the one who’s at fault here.

After complaining, panicking and blaming myself, I got the courage para magsimula ng maghanap ng pwede kong suotin since wala rin naman akong choice, this event is mandatory at hindi talaga ako pweding mawala tonight since I'm one of the main leads or ika nga star of the night. Fortunately at gabi pa gaganapin ang nasabing event at exactly 6 so basically I have atleast 4 hours to prepare, not that bad though.

I realized na bago ko dapat problemahin ang susuotin ko for the event, I need to take a shower muna and start to prep my skin. Para mahimasmasan ako at makapag-isip ng maayos. After kong maligo ay nagsimula na rin akong mag make up, I want to achieve a glam dewy make up to look fresh tonight. It took me an hour. After doing my make up, I curl my hair and give it a center hair bounce to emphasize the 19's theme of our party.

Naghanap na ako ng pwede kong suotin later kahit sobrang nababanas ako right now since wala rin naman akong choice. It took me almost 2 hours sa pagligo at pag m-make up so basically I only have another 2 hours nalang para maghanap ng susuotin.

I check the cabinet that keeps bunch of my pants, ang iba nga ay galing pa kay mama.nalilito pa rin ako kung anong susuotin ko na magtutugma sa tema celebration na ’to. It is either I'll go with pants or jeans, ’yan lang ang choices ko dahil limitado ang mga old fashioned clothes ko. Kinalkal at chineck ko ang mga pants and jeans na nasa cabinet ko, sa dami kong damit na puno na ang sahig ng kalat. I saw a perfect flared pants so I check if I could find a plunge top that will definitely match with my flared pants. After a long hour ng paghahanap mas lalong tumambak at trumiple ang dami ng mga damit na nasa sahig, dahil mas madami akong damit na pang-itaas kumpara sa mga damit kong pang-ibaba. I saw a white plunge top together with an asymmetric blaze. Sa tingin ko ay babagay naman sila to be honest I think this is a fabulous combination! I never thought that I could improvise a good pair of clothes, since I'm not good in fashion. Mas mahilig ako sa tshirt at short na komportable kumpara sa mga damit na ika nga ay tinatawag nila na aesthetically pleasing sa mata.

I put all the clothes on with my stiletto heels and cloche, to add spice on my outfit. Mukha ngang babagay ito sa tema dahil nagmukha na akong rich old tita. I stand infront of my whole body mirror to check my fit. Here it is, mas maganda pala sa inaakala ko, from expectation na rich old tita to a 1920's model, real quick! This outfit perfectly matches our retro themed party.

Sana ang pag-ibig ay tulad rin sa mga nausong damit nuon na maaari pang balikan ngayon.

Hindi pa ako handa at hindi ko alam kong kailan ako magiging handa na ipaalam kay Wayde ang totoo. Alam kong marami syang naging kasalanan ngunit hindi lamang sya ang mahihirapan kong pilit kong itatago ang katutuhanan.

Ayaw kong lumaki si Szhen na may hinanakit sa akin dahil sa nawawalang piraso sa buhay nya na maaaring nyang maramdaman, kung ’di man ngayon ay sa mga susunod pang taon. Maghahanap at maghahanap talaga sya ng tatay at hindi naman maaaring patuloy at paulit-ulit akong magsisinungaling sa kanya sa tuwing magtatanong sya.

The feeling of having a missing puzzle piece in your heart will cause her trauma, and of all the people I’m the one who knows how it felt.

I may be not a product of broken family because my mom and dad are together, but I can still feel the emptiness in my heart because they are just present physically pero never silang naging emotional support system ko. I can't still feel the warmth of a complete family. That is why I believe that not all house can be called home, and not all family feels like a family.

That's why I don't want Szhen to experience the same struggle, to suffer the same pain. I want the best for her and if the best thing is to let her father be her dad, then I could face all the painful consequences that is tied with that.

Okay lang sa akin kahit ako ang mag suffer sa t’wing magkikita sila o bibisita sya at kailangan kong magpakatatag, I need to be strong, to be brave enough to face the person that ruins me and crash all the pieces inside me. The person that keeps on stabbing my dying heart, the person behind all of my miseries.

I need to gain more strength in order for me to stand still after I face all of these painful possibilities. If this decision would make Szhen happy, if ito lang ang tanging paraan para maramdaman nyang buo sya, then I will willingly sacrifice all the courage left in my body.

I made up my mind, I will tell Wayde the truth sa gaganapin na selebrasyon mamaya, no matter how painful it is to face him and remember all the sh*ts that he did. All those betrayals that made me insane and out of touch for how many years. Those hurtful memories that makes me want to end my life.

I need to do this.

I know all of the consequences that perhaps would make me suffer more but I will do my part as a mother and I will faced all those pain and fear for Szhen, I will do everything for her.

I once live under the clouds of pain ng ilang taon, ilang taon akong takot na baka kunin at ilayo si Szhen sa akin, na baka mas lalo akong magirapan kung malalaman nya ang totoo.

I'm done, I'm so done with all of these bullsh*ts

Now, I will make things right.