Just a Pucking Grumpy Goalie [COMPLETED]

Chapter 34 - No shame

Kat

The following day I go to class as usual. I try to pay attention, but my mind keeps playing the videos over and over. Looking around, I keep wondering if others think about sex this much. If anyone here has done anything like what I saw.

I can't get the images out of my head. And several times, I notice myself getting wet at the thought of Brick and me in those scenarios.

When I go to Basic Nutrition, my palms are sweaty and I can't even pretend to pay attention to Richard as he asks about the homework. All I can do is stare at the door and wonder if Brick is going to show up.

He doesn't.

Shouldn't he want to talk to me? He must know that I saw what was on his computer. Why hasn't he reached out? I stare at his name on my phone, but what should I say? How do I talk to him about this?

I get back to the dorm and try to get some work done, but I find myself staring off into space.

"Hey," Morgan says and I jump, almost falling out of my seat. "Whoa, jumpy." She puts up a hand as if to calm me down.

"Hi," I say and catch my breath.

"What's going on?" She just sits down on her bed and stares at me.

I clear my throat. "You know when you asked me to look at the website?"

"Oh," she grimaces. "It was bad, wasn't it? I thought maybe that's why you didn't get back to me. You wanted to break the news in person. Well, let me have it." She takes a deep breath and steels herself.

"I never got to the site."

Disappointment makes her shoulders slump. "Why not?"

"I was having dinner at the hockey house when you texted. And JD didn't have his computer. So he told me to use Brick's. And Brick agreed."

"And? Did you start snooping?"

"Not really. It was all out in the open." I wipe my palms on my skirt.

"What did you see?" She sounds eager and the site she was working on is completely forgotten.

"Well..."

"Was it porn?" She wrinkles her nose. "It was, wasn't it?"

"Yes," I say.

"Well, guys do that. And girls too. There's nothing wrong with watching porn. I've watched some with George." She wiggles an eyebrow.

"Really? Together?"

"Yeah, why not? It's a good way to talk about things. So, what's he into? Is it kinky? At least now you know."

I hesitate. "It wasn't quite what I imagined."

"Is it bad?"

Again, I take my time before answering. "No. No, I don't think it's bad. It was just a bit... rougher than I expected."

"Rougher how?"

Breathing in deeply, I decide to tell her at least part of it. "There was bondage."

"Bondage? Like being tied up?"

"Yes."

"So is that it?"

"Is what it?" I look at her in confusion.

"Are you going to stop seeing him?"

"No. Why would I do that?"

"You said it was rough. What if he expects you to do those things? I did warn you."

A blush creeps up my cheeks and I try to think of how to broach this subject.

Morgan squeals, half in horror, half in surprise. I startle.

"Jeez. What the hell, Morgan?"

"You want to do it." It's not a question. "You want him to tie you up. Or, wait! You want to tie him up?"

"I'm not sure." I feel like she might judge me if she knows how much even thinking about it turns me on. "Maybe." A smile wants to break out on my lips and I clamp down on it.

"I had no idea you were so naughty. I mean, I saw your books, but I thought that was just... Kat! You're bad. Wow! Well, still waters run deep and whatnot. But if you want what he wants, isn't that a good thing?"

"You don't think it's weird? That I'm weird."

"Oh, Kat. I don't kinkshame. Sure, I might look at you oddly if you tell me you need to do it on a bed of sliced oranges or something, but as long as I'm not the one cleaning up after, I really don't care."

"Oranges?"

"Or balloons, or whatever. You do you. I once dated a guy with a serious foot fetish. He would steal my dirty socks. I found that weird."

I blink at her. "Really?"

"Yeah, and this one guy refused to let me take my top off. It was as if the sight of boobs turned him off." She shrugs. "I didn't get that either. But as long as you know what you want, I respect that."

"Ok."

I'm trying to wrap my head around her previous relationships when she suddenly laughs.

"I should have known when no warnings would make you think twice about him."

I blush. "Yeah, I never understood why people kept telling me those things, as if I'd immediately run away from him."

"I thought it was just because you're so inexperienced. But all this time you've been reading and dreaming about a dom daddy."

"Dom daddy? You think Brick is a dom daddy?"

She laughs. "Oh my god, you should see your face. You're so excited at the thought. You're falling hard for him, aren't you?"

Am I falling for him? Shouldn't there be more than sex to a relationship? We've barely ever spoken outside of a bedroom. I imagine going out with him, holding hands as he takes me to class, having dinner together, sitting on the same couch, reading. I want those things.

"What's the problem, Kat?"

"He never brought any of this up with me. And when he realized I saw his porn, he looked like he wanted to throw up." I chew on my lip. "He hasn't texted me since. And he didn't show up at his class today."

"Maybe he freaked that you saw something so personal and he thinks you judge him?"

Another thought hits me.

"Oh, my god. What if he doesn't think I'm enough for him? What if he wants nothing more to do with me now that he fulfilled his part of the deal?" Pain sears my insides and I hug my stomach to make it ease. Could he be through with me?

"He seemed to be dealing just fine with your inexperience. And didn't you say he liked having sex with you on Friday?"

"I thought he did, but if he was expecting something like that, then he was probably so disappointed." I cover my face. "What if I messed it all up?"

"He doesn't seem like a bad guy. But there's really only one way for you to know for sure."

"What's that?" I stare at her, hoping she has some magical skill up her sleeve that will lay out all the answers for me.

She sighs at me. "Talk to him, Kat. You have to talk to him"

"Oh. Right."

She's right. I have to find a way to talk to him. But not right now. Right now, JD is waiting for me at the library and then I need to get some books so I can start my paper.

So, today is off the table. I can't talk to him today. And maybe not tomorrow. Because if he's just going to break things off, then maybe I don't want to hear it.

No, I'm not hiding from the truth. I'm just gathering strength to deal with it.