Wattpad Rants

10. Repetition (Inky Substance?!?)

"I hid underneath the table before they caught sight of me. Whatever inky substance was underneath the table was not pleasant. There was a ton of other gunk underneath the table, but the inky substance stood out to me. Soon, they looked underneath the table. I thought it was because they caught sight of me, but instead they just dumped more of the inky substance underneath the table."

Did you catch the problem in that one? You might have realized if you paid attention to the title, but if your an experienced writer it probably stuck out like a fire in the middle of the ocean. Here's an annotated version for all of you who couldn't figure it out:

"I hid underneath the table (1) before they caught sight of me (1). Whatever inky substance (1) was underneath the table (2) was not pleasant. There was a ton of other gunk underneath the table, (3) but the inky substance (2) stood out to me. Soon, they looked underneath the table (4). I thought it was because they caught sight of me, (2) but instead they just dumped more of the inky substance (3) underneath the table (5)."

Why is the phrase "underneath the table," uttered a total of five times?!? And "inky substance," really?

Sometimes something has a specific defining characteristic that comes to your mind as soon as you think of it. But you can rephrase it, or pick a synonym. Sure, eyes being replaced with "orbs" is probably the stupidest thing I've ever heard, but a thesaurus can come in handy sometimes. Don't replace a word if there aren't any good synonyms for it (seriously though, who started the trope of orbs???).

For, "inky substance," I could put "jet black liquid," or, "dark stuff." "Caught sight of me" is easy, "saw me." And "underneath the table," can just be omitted in some places. All of a sudden you now have:

"I hid underneath the table before they caught sight of me. Whatever inky substance surrounded me was not pleasant. There was a ton of other gunk scattered around, but the jet black liquid stood out to me. Soon, they looked down, towards me. I thought it was because they saw me, but instead they just dumped more of the dark stuff under the table."

Isn't that a lot more refreshing? You guys can decide, but personally I definitely prefer the second version. Adding to that, it also gives me more defining traits to visualize the situation better. It went from "inky substance," which could be anything from a bright blue bottle of ink to a bowl of pitch black crumbs, to a liquid that's black and dark. One of those is a lot easier to imagine than the other, making sure your readers can actually interpret what you are trying to communicate.

~•~

474 words

"Just want to point out that there's a difference between being repetitive and redundant. I'll probably make a chapter just for that in the future. By that way, are my examples good? I don't work too hard on them, but I still try. Vote and comment for more, and I'll see you next chapter!"

- Coffee