Wattpad Rants

29. oH? fEeliNg a LiL tIpSy ThErE, aRE We?

"He chuckled, a terrifying grin burning into his face as he unsheathed the dagger... the same one that ruined my life all those years ago. "That's right!" he said in a fit of maniacal laughter, "I was the one who—"

The next day

The first thing I felt was my head. A pounding ache resonated deep within my skull; like a sledgehammer had just gone to town with it. I groaned as an uncomfortable warmth spread through my body, and no matter how I tossed and turned in bed, the nag of pain wouldn't cease to torture me. "Ugh, what happened last night?" I groaned, rubbing my temples to no avail. The faraway sting of whiskey lingered on my vicious morning breath as a guilty explanation. It was quite obvious I'd gotten drunk, and I couldn't, for the life of me, remember what else happened last night."

Hey! Believe it or not, I actually do write rants about cliche stories rather than Wattpad's community. Crazy, isn't it? This is one of those times, so buckle up because I am sick and ready to ramble.

WHY? Why does this keep happening?

Alright, let's get straight to the context: I have opened an unholy amount of books in my time. As you're well aware, Wattpad has a vast collection of stories, ranging from romance to... more romance! And yet, time after time, page after page, I see depictions of characters drinking alcohol or getting drunk used as a way to satiate readers and then smack them in the face later.

Don't know the context behind that? Well, no need to fear, I have an explanation way better than: "You're drunk, lol."

Let me start this off with a question: What is a blackout?

The phenomenon of a blackout is, in simple terms, an occurrence in which consuming a large amount of alcohol in a small amount of time causes a person's brain to stop creating lasting memories.

Ahem, according to www.niaaa.nih.gov, "A blackout is not the same as "passing out," which means either falling asleep or losing consciousness from drinking too much. During a blackout, a person is still awake but their brain is not creating new memories. Depending on how much the person drank, it is possible to transition from having a blackout to passing out."

Alright then, tldr: You drink too much alcohol, and you forget everything you did after the rave.

My problem is the fact that this keeps happening in every other book I read. It's like those cartoons when a character gets bonked on the head—*cough* sorry, I mean when a character gets a concussion—and they have amnesia for half an episode just because. A scene where a character becomes a blank slate is completely harmless on its own, just a fun way to pass the time, but it's an absolute mess when it's used as a plot device.

First of all, the situation is often handled like, well, a sledgehammer. Here's a quick rundown in five easy-to-follow steps:

1. The main character is feeling depressed for reasons such as a dead companion, unrequited love, or simply because their Taco Bell order never came.

2. Said character naturally drinks an unholy amount of an unnamed alcoholic substance (because, let's be real, half of these are written by twelve-year-olds who have never seen a shot of whiskey in their life) to pass the time.

3. Something important happens! A love interest confesses; they find out who killed their dad; their tacos get stolen; etc.

4. They pass out from the concerning amount of [INSERT GENERIC ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE HERE] they have consumed.

5. They wake up to a "throbbing headache," no recollection of the prior night's events, and a conveniently placed pill on their nightstand that they don't remember putting there.

Sound familiar? If it does, that's because it is used in literally every romance in existence! And let me tell you, there are a lot of these scenes out there.

As alcholrehabguide.org states, "At 0.25 BAC [Blood Alcohol Concentration], many people pass out. If a person is still conscious at this level, vomiting becomes very likely, as well as a complete loss of physical control. This can lead to asphyxiation if they lose consciousness and choke on their own vomit."

That is not fun.

In my purely subjective opinion, these chapters are absolutely ludicrous. Amnesia scenes are nothing more than a taste of temporary satisfaction to keep readers engaged in the story. A quick dopamine hit for people who can't handle a slow burn to keep them from becoming bored with all of the rising action.

Not to mention the fact that they don't contribute anything to the plot whatsoever! Why waste all that time and energy writing a chapter that will later be used word-for-word during the actual climax? Instead, you could spice things up in a more natural way. Drop clues in the form of foreshadowing through the villain, have the love interest become more forward simply because they've had a revelation, stomp up to that Taco Bell and demand a refund!

All I want is a vodka martini, shaken, not stirred. Could that possibly be so difficult?

~•~

870 words

"If I keep seeing these scenes, I'll probably get a migraine worse than your MC's hangover. If this chapter sounds just the slightest bit... unhinged, just know that I am currently sick, and my writing sounds like that of a drunk MC's when I'm under the influence of Nyquil. Fitting, don't you think? I'll probably edit this later when I'm sober of Nyquil. Oh, and expect some... big chapters coming up. I've been working on these next few for a while, and I hope that they do justice to their prompts. Have you ever seen a story where alcohol is used as a blunt-force weapon? Vote if you liked it, comment your thoughts, and I'll see you next chapter!"

- Coffee