CHAINS

Chapter 4

Nandito kami ng anak ko sa balcony ng kwarto namin.

Nakaupo ako sa isang upuan dun habang si Asher naman ay nasa kandungan ko na mahimbing na natutulog on his favourite position.

Napabuntong hininga nalang ako at mahigpit na niyakap ang natutulog na anak ko. Kung hindi ko kasi siya inalo ng inalo at inassure na wala ng kukuha sa akin ay hinding hindi siya makakatulog. Babantayan lang niya ako.

Gusto ko na talagang bumalik ang dating ugali ng baby ko.
He's not like this before.
He was once a happy go lucky boy. He always smiles and loves to play. But it all changed when that tragic day happened.

We were at the bank that day to withdraw some money dahil malapit na ang fourth birthday niya. I wanted to give him a birthday party para naman lalo siyang sumaya. He's been a good boy kase.

But something went wrong. There was a bank robbery pero mabilis na nakaresponde ang mga pulis kaya natrap ang mga robbers na nagpanggap na mga clients sa loob ng bank.

Takot na takot ako sa maaring mangyari dahil nga Baka may gawing hostage ang mga robbers at Baka saktan kami ng mga robbers. I was also scared because I was with Asher that day. Dinala ko siya dahil nga wala akong mapag iwanan na babysitter sa kanya.

At ang kinakatakutan ko nga ay nangyari. I became one of the hostages and Asher saw what they did to us.
He saw how the robbers grabbed me and hurt me along with the others. Asher was spared because he's still a child. But he was hurt in a different way.

Ginamit kami ng mga robbers para makatakas. But before the robbers fled, binaril muna kaming mga hostages sa likod. I thought I died that day.

And then I woke up in the hospital. I was lucky to survive that tragedy. Some died and only a few of us lived. I lived.

But my baby was never the same. He was traumatized seeing me get hurt and taken away. And that was the start of my son's nightmares.

He would wake up at night screaming and crying. That's why hindi ko na siya iniiwan kahit Saan ako pumunta. pati sa pagtulog ay katabi ko siya.

It was hard for both of us.
I was also traumatized but I fought my fears because si Asher lang ang kawawa kapag nagpadala ako sa takot ko. Someone has to be strong for the both of us. And I'm sure it isn't Asher.

So I need to set aside everything about me and just be strong for my son.

And then his dad made it even harder for me. He wanted to get Asher's custody dahil hindi daw ako capable na maging Ina ni Asher dahil sa condition ko. For all I know, he's just using Asher to make me compromise and agree to his demands and wants.

I will never forgive him for doing that. How can he do that to us. To me and to Asher at our most vulnerable state. I was trying my best to be the strong one for my son. He did not understand that It wasn't the right time for us to fight over Asher. Puro sarili niya lang ang iniisip niya. Asher is still traumatized about the incident and he wanted to traumatize Asher in custody battles.

He had hurt my son because of his selfishness. And that is unforgivable.

I'm glad I won Asher's custody. The court saw that the father is an unfit parent dahil sa mga ginawa niya sa akin. The court saw that Asher needed me now more than anything.

And I needed him more than anything else.

But It hurts me so much seeing him so serious. Always alert. He never leaves the house without me and he never played with his friends anymore. He would  Always look at strangers suspiciously. I could see hatred in his eyes every time he looks at strangers.

Kahit sa school ay hirap na hirap akong iwan siya. Kaya I decided to try homeschooling him.

I was glad that my job wasn't that affected. I can work at home dahil pwede namang I-send sa email yung trabaho ko. I'm an editor so they just send the files to me and after I'm done , I could send it back to them.

I gave my full attention to my son. Lahat ginawa ko para lang matigil na ang mga bangungot niya. Para bumalik na siya sa dati.

Pina therapy ko na siya dati. Dinala sa kung Saan saang psychiatrist at therapist. Pero wala paring nagawa ang mga ito.

Masakit sa isang Ina na makita ang anak nya na nasasaktan at nahihirapan. Mahal na mahal ko ang anak ko at kung nasasaktan siya ay triple ang nararamdaman ko.

That's why kahit na anung gawin ni Asher ay hindi ko magawang pagalitan siya. I will always love my baby boy. And I will always protect him no matter what. Hinding hindi ko siya iiwan.

People always tend to judge Asher as being a spoiled brat dahil sa inaasta niya. Wala kasi silang alam sa nangyari sa amin.  I just ignored all there snide comments about my son dahil wala akong time na patulan sila. And I know my son better than anyone.

Hindi ko na napigilan pa ang  pagdaloy ng  mga luha sa mga Mata ko.
Sobrang bigat ng pakiramdam ko dahil hindi ko man lang matulungan ang anak ko.

It was already dark outside at mahamog na kaya napagpasyahan kong pumasok na sa loob ng kwarto namin.  Maingat ko siyang inilapag sa kama at kinumutan.

He stirred from his sleep at unti unting iminulat niya ang mga mata niya.

I saw him panick ng hindi niya ako katabi kaya mabilis akong sumampa sa kama at tumabi sa kanya.

"I'm here baby." I said assuring him .

I felt his body relaxed before hugging me tightly. Isiniksik niya ang mukha niya sa dibdib ko.

I kissed his forehead and then I began singing his favourite lullaby.

Good night my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save this questions for another day.
I think I know what you've been askin' me
I think you know what I've been tryin' to say
I promise I will never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be faraway

I couldn't help but cry again.

I miss hearing his playful laughs and seeing his boyish smile. I miss seeing him play around and just care less about how dirty he is as long as He's happy and enjoying.

Good night my angel now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark and deep
Inside an ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me

I miss his corny jokes, which he learned from our neighbour, Cedric, but I'd still laugh at it so He's efforts won't go to waste for making me happy.

I miss how he would wake me up every morning by kissing me all over my face while tickling me.

Good night my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullaby
Then in your heart
there will always be a part of me

I miss how he'd help me cook even though he'd just get in the way.

I miss how he'd always say sorry whenever he did something wrong. He'd give me a stem of rose which he picked from  our neighbor's backyard, mrs. Simpson's backyard. And I'd scold him more for doing so but eventually I'd forgive him for being so sweet.

Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabies go on and on
They never die that's
how you and I will be...

I miss my old baby boy so much.
Sana dumating ang araw na bumalik ang dating ugali ng anak ko.

I'd be the happiest person in the world when that day comes.

*****

Song credits : Lullabye by Libera