Sad Girl

twenty one - exposed

Song of the Chapter: Drowning - Banks (It fits so well omfg)

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CAMRYN's POV

I felt like complete shit.

It wasn't like everyone knew about Evan and I, because let's face it, I wasn't popular, interesting, or even relevant to anyone at my school. But I just felt like everyone did know, and they were judging me so hard for it.

I knew I was overreacting, and that more than half the girls at this school had lost their virginity before me, but that didn't really change how I felt.

I felt... exposed. But I was proud of myself at the same time. It made zero sense, but that was my life. My life made zero sense.

I was proud because I was scared at first, then I eventually gave in. Evan asked me if wanted him, and of course I do, so I said yes. I let him be my first.

And that made me feel exposed at the same time. I was now just like half the other girls at my school. I felt dirty. I felt too old. I felt naked. I felt like everyone knew.

I had hid my face from every mutual friend possible today, and JC. JC made me feel embarrassed. I shouldn't be embarrassed, or disgusted. I had sex. Everyone has sex.

Right?

Wrong. Not me, or at least I used to not have sex. Now, I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I stood in front of my locker, staring in the mirror on the back of my locker door. I hated what I saw. I hated my hair and my eyes and my nose and my lips and the way my face always did that thing where it looked awful every single day.

I seriously felt tears coming just looking at myself. Oh no, not here...

But then, I thought of Evan kissing my lips and my cheeks and then him moving down to my neck and biting on it while feeling every other part of my body with his hands. It made me feel warm, like our bodies when they're against each other. It gave me a tingly feeling and I liked it. A lot.

I couldn't stop thinking about that night. Everything was perfect about it.

So why do I feel so bad about myself? Evan actually cares about me. The way he was gentle and cautious and good at the same time made me feel like I mattered.

I was actually kind of scared because of it. No one has ever had that sort of impact on me and I didn't know if I could trust him, or myself.

You loved it. Don't lie. You've been waiting for that kind of attention for a while and you've finally got it.

I swallowed hard, tucking a stray chunk of hair behind my ear. Then, I tried smiling at myself. It didn't work. I just ended up pouting.

After grabbing all of the necessary stuff for class, I shut my locker. I walked alone, upset that I hadn't seen or heard from Sam today. Maybe she didn't come to school.

I also hadn't seen or heard from Evan since the night he took my virginity. I didn't think too much of it, though. He was probably busy.

Before reaching art class, I spotted Evan talking to a group of boys in the corner of the hallway. They were pretty loud: talking and laughing and yelling.

He didn't see me, although I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. He looked so good today, just like every other day of the year.

I didn't realize I was smiling until I reached Mrs. Baldwin's art classroom, where I immediately met eyes with Swathi.