Sad Girl

twenty eight - roller coaster

Song of the Chapter: Broke - Natalia Kills

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CAMRYN's POV

All day, my emotions were a roller coaster. One moment, I'd be fine. I would forget about Evan, about what happened, and about my non-existent virginity.

Then I'd realize what happened during lunch period and my eyes would water, my hands would shake, and there'd be an unbearable pain in my chest. It was no fun.

I couldn't focus in class. The teachers would go on and on about stuff I didn't even remember learning, then they'd assign pages and pages of homework and dismiss us to our next stop in Hell.

But it's not like I cared. I was actually looking forward to doing homework tonight. It would take my mind off Evan.

It was finally the end of my day at school. Kids were still in the hallway, grouped with their cliques to talk with or clubs to meet with. I squeezed past all of them, eager to get out of the building without anyone seeing me.

When I'm outside, I see Evan. He's talking to two tall, brown-haired boys and a chubby blonde girl in the parking lot.

My stomach tied in knots at the grin on Evan's lips and the naturally happy look in his eyes.

It's like he already forgot about me.

My heart hurts just looking at him being fine. He should be quiet and shameful, like me. He should feel exactly what I'm feeling when I look at him. He should be hurt.

But it's obvious he doesn't care. He doesn't look my way.

I realize I have to walk past him to get to my mom's car: a gray Lexus SUV that was parked right behind where he was standing. I don't want to move. My body is completely unable to.

I know he doesn't see me, but I'm worried that when I get too close, he'll notice me. Of course he'll look away like he didn't see me, but still, just him acknowledging me would remind me of everything that happened.

It would remind me of how cool and funny and sweet he was. It would remind me of how he was so accepting of me at first. How he knew exactly what to say and what to do to make me feel good. And then it would remind me that I couldn't talk to him anymore.

But it would remind him that he was free from me. It would remind him that I obviously still wanted him, but he could ignore me all he wanted and I wouldn't change my mind.

I managed to take a few more steps-- small ones. My body wouldn't let me go any faster. I was nervous and alone. And if he saw me walking alone, it'd look like I didn't actually have friends. It would look like I was nothing without him.

It was untrue, but that's probably the way he'd see it. My friends were all probably in Caroline's driver's van, like we always were after school. I wasn't with them. Mondays were therapy days, and although therapy started at six today, my mom was making it a thing where she leaves work a little earlier and picks me up from school so we can 'spend time together'. She made it specifically on Mondays.

Why Mondays? I don't know. Maybe she doesn't want me to say anything bad about her to my therapist.

When I told Caroline I wouldn't need a ride on Mondays, she didn't ask questions. Maybe she didn't care, or maybe she realized it wasn't her business. She just shrugged and said, "It's cool."

I squeezed one of my backpack straps with my right hand and continued walking. As I got closer to Evan, the pressure in my chest seemed to be growing and moving to my throat, making it hard for me to breathe. I kept thinking he was looking at me, but I'd steal a glance and he would still be paying attention to his friends.