NONKULULEKO

#05

NONKULULEKO
#05

The man who came to visit Nandi remained a mystery.  She pulled me with both ears to not say a word to my father. Who was he? And why did Nandi seem so scared and nervous to see him? What connection did they have? I could not ask her though, all I could do was to ponder within my head thinking who he was. Whatever it was, it was big and she was intending on keeping his identity a secret. The abuse had died down. I didn't know if she had changed or she was preparing me for yet another big storm. I was more than happy to enjoy the rest. For once in a while, I was treated like a normal human being. Her and my dad looked like they were going through some marital issues. Things were sour at home. They no longer showed affection in front of us, or kissed each other. Let alone hold hands. Dad looked angry and hurt.I wanted to comfort him for whatever he was going through. No matter what he had done to me, I still saw him as my father and I held great respect for him.

One day I asked him, "Dad are you okay?"
He just turned to me and said nothing. I asked him again, showing much concern for his well-being. He only said, "I am fine" and continued with what he was doing. I decided to not ask any further. I didn't want to push his buttons. Stepmother came into the room holding a bowl in her hands. It was empty.
I moved away from my dad and sat on another couch. I was focused on the TV when I felt the bowl hitting my head. Shock! Anger! Confusion! A bowl had just hit my head and it broke into pieces when it landed on the floor.

Touching my head to inspect any blood. Luckily I had none but my head hurt a lot. It felt like my brain and lobes were shifted to opposite directions. Her fiery face just told me that the evil stepmother was back. My break was over and it was back to square one. The Nandi who scared me to death was back. Who knew what she would do that time around? What was the reason for her to hit me with a bowl?

"Do you see that bowl? It is empty! Why haven't you cooked?" she shouted at the top of her voice. She had told me earlier that I  needn't cook as she would cook that day. I did not comprehend where the sudden outburst came from. I looked at dad and he was just facing the other direction. Of course! He didn't care. Nandi could kill me and it wouldn't hurt him even a bit.

I tried standing up for myself,"you told me not to cook".

"You are back chatting to me now!? Me !? The person who has been taking care of your lazy butt all year?" What about taking care of me? What clothes did she buy for me? What food did she give me? What love and care did she give me? She always liked to boast that she was feeding me. But where? She was keeping me in her house to be her slave! I only ate when she wanted me to. I lost so much weight in her presence. The bags under my eyes couldn't be missed. I became depressed in her presence but did she care? No!

"I am sorry" I humbled myself and tried to pick up the pieces of the bowl. Angering her more than she already was, was something I wasn't prepared to do. With her, I always had to humble myself. I felt like I was at her mercy, that my life belonged to her. She succeeded in instilling fear inside me.

"That's all you know, always apologizing. You are always sorry"

She followed me to the kitchen shouting at me. I washed the dishes with her shouting in my ear. Her voice was distorting with every second and it felt like everything around me was silent, only her that was speaking!

"Just look at the table. Dirty!!! Eyy you are useless Nonkululeko!! What is the use of you being here if you don't do your work!!!??" that was still her. I kept quiet and did everything that she was pointing me to do.

Dad:"Nandi!"

His voice commanded. I had never heard my dad using that firm and strict tone to Nandi. It was a first actually. She followed him and I tiptoed behind them. I wanted to know what was causing their fights because even at night they were always arguing loudly.

I stood next to the door placing the side of my head against the wall.

Dad:"I don't like you abusing my daughter like that"

Nandi:"Since when? You have been quiet all year. What changed?"

Dad:"Nandi I am telling you that I don't want that behavior!!! Nonkululeko is my daughter, not yours! Leave her alone. Stop punishing her for my sins and Mbali's".

Nandi:"You just had to mention Mbali Mahlase. You and that woman hurt me terribly but now I'm the one who seems like the bad guy."

Dad:"This self pity will not work with me. Not after I found out that you lied to me. 10 years Nandi! You had me loving the wrong children. You knew they weren't mine but you didn't say anything. You destroyed my marriage for nothing"

Well that was new. Lwazi and Anele weren't my siblings after all? But I suspected it. They looked nothing like dad. I was not shocked that Nandi would lie about that. I bet that it was that pink suit guy who's the real father. I moved away before I could get caught.

Being abused no longer hurt, I had found a coping mechanism. Mfundo! He had turned into a friend and he comforted me whenever I was beaten at home. He became my safe space. I trusted him and enjoyed being around him. Mfundo was only two years older than me, he was doing Grade 12. Lucky him! He always knew the right words to say.

"Let's go to my friend's place"he said to me one time. I was skeptical about it, because I had never been in a private place with him. But I  agreed and went with him. At first, he treated me so nicely and got me juice and chips.

Things got heated when he started to touch me all over my body. I didn't know what had gotten over him. He tried to kiss me but I stopped him. I only saw him as a friend. Nothing more than that!
"Just one kiss Nonku! What did you think I brought you here for?"he said to me annoyed.
"I thought we would talk like we always do"
"Not today. I want to make you feel special"
What kind of special did he mean? He undressed me and I was left with my underwear. I was not comfortable being naked because I had so many bruises. I didn't want anyone to see me that way. But he seemed to not mind. He whispered sweets nothing and manipulated me into sleeping with him. Even went as far as saying that if I didn't sleep with him it meant I did not love him, and I did not want him as a friend. He threatened that he would stop talking to me. I could not have that. He was the only one I felt free around with. I didn't know if I loved him or I liked the idea of him being kind to me.

I gave it to him. The whole thing was not nice because my heart was not in it. I felt forced and rushed. I had hoped I would give a guy who would marry me my virginity, when I turned 21. But there I was, giving it to Mfundo. A boy I barely even knew. Who knew what his intentions were? Would he stop talking to me after he had gotten what he wanted? Or would he love me?

I heard him grunting and saying words like I was tight and that he enjoyed me. He was enjoying himself but I wasn't. I just wanted him to finish so I could go. We did not even use protection. He said he didn't have any.
When he was done, he got off of me and wore his clothes. He didn't say a word, he just left me there. That was the last I had seen of him!.