NONKULULEKO

07

NONKULULEKO
#07

Staying with gogo was exactly as I expected it to be. Miserable and infuriating. She always wanted me to do everything and anything around the house. Her seeing me sitting down bothered her so much, I was not allowed to sit down. Not when there were dishes to be washed. Not when the chickens needed to be fed or their place to be cleaned. I always had to be on my feet, doing something. Doing something to contribute around the house.

My presence seemed to anger a lot of people. My dad was never the same again after separating with Nandi and finding out the lies she had been hiding. He felt like he was robbed 10 years of his life, caring for children that weren't even his. IsiZulu sithi,"uzenzile akakhalelwa". As harsh as it sounded, but he brought it on himself. He shouldn't have gone out of his wedding vows and escorted another woman. Willingly! He broke my mother's heart. I wondered if she knew about dad's other family.

I once overheard Nandi talking to my father and complaining that everyone was making her out to be the villain when my parents were the one who hurt her. She was lying.  My mother was the sweetest person ever to grace the soil of this land. There was nothing wrong she did in my eyes. She was a flower, a beautiful flower. She hurt no one. Nandi was just lying to make herself feel better.

"Nonkululeko!!", oh well!! I ran towards her with my heart thumping. What did she want me to do then? She looked at me. On her left hand was a small bucket, the one we use as isikigi.
"Awuhambe uyochama la", why did she want me to pee on the bucket? It was way too early in the morning, around 6 am. I wanted to enquire why but she seemed serious so I did as told. She inspected my urine shaking her head. The act was weird to me and very uncomfortable. This was my grandmother looking at  my pee. I didn't know what she was looking for.

"Ngazile nje, umithi Nonkululeko!", pregnant? It must have been a mistake. I was only 16 years old, I couldn't have been pregnant. I was a baby myself, what was I going to do with another baby?
"That's not true gogo", I tried defending myself.
"Your urine is yellow.", all urine is yellow. What was she talking about? But my grandmother was an old person and she didn't conform to modern times. Maybe that's how they used to check for pregnancy during their time, where there were no pregnancy tests. That's some form of technology. Just pee and have people tell you you are pregnant! Izikhathi zoShaka zazihluke impela.

I am brought back to the moment by her hands touching my breasts. I winced as she put pressure on them. Lately they had been painful and looked swollen. I didn't know the cause to that.
"Out of all things you decided to fall pregnant Nonkululeko!" I wanted to speak but words failed me. I didn't know what to say. She asked me which boy did this to me and I just remained quiet. I was still heartbroken over Mfundo hurting me. She  wanted to know and she wasn't backing down. I ended up telling her that it was Mfundo.

Maybe I was beginning to be crazy or numb, but in my head I was not pregnant. I couldn't have been. I was only 16! My life was fucked up and I didn't smile more often. How could I have taken care of a baby? I still wanted to go back to school, I wanted to do something with my life. A baby would only hold me back. I didn't want it. I didn't want to accept that I was carrying something in my stomach. If I really was pregnant, then I would terminate it. I had so much going on in my life to add a baby. It was only going to make my life worse.

Gogo couldn't wait for my father to get home so she could tell him about how I have embarrassed them as the Sibisi family and made them a laughing stock in the community. Dramatic much if you ask me! Which community because everyone didn't care about each other there? My father was more disappointed, in fact he looked sad. Well you can blame yourself for that dad.
"Why do you continue to defy me Nonkululeko?", he asked with the softest tone ever. But his voice carried so much anger.

Why was he angry? What did he expect would happen? I don't know what happened but I found myself lashing out and raising a voice at my own father!

"If you and your wife had treated me like a child, I wouldn't have gone outside seeking love from strangers. You are the worst of them all dad, you are my father but you turn a blind eye to everything bad  that is being done to me. I wish my mother was still alive."
I said that and ran out of the room, I knew the punishment for what I  had done. I knew an hour's worth of beating was to come. He was the parent and I was the child. You don't raise your voice at your elders, no matter how angry you are. Especially your parents, they brought you to this world and they can gladly take you out of it. But I just got so angry by him insinuating that I didn't respect him. I just wished that he could act like my father for once, or at least pretend that he loved me and wanted the best for me.

"The hormones are already starting", I heard gogo saying.

The following morning we woke up in the wee hours of the morning,  preparing to go to Mfundo’s family and announce the pregnancy, ukubika isisu. It was a procedure that had to be done even before the sun rose.  Gogo was the one accompanying me, along with two women from the neighborhood. All the way she was talking non stop about how I did a bad thing and  disappointed them. She went on and on asking me how  I will feed the baby because I'm useless. I didn't care. I didn't accept that I was pregnant. I didn't want to be.

It was still dark when we arrived at Mfundo’s house. We knocked endlessly at the gate before they let us in. An old woman led us to the living room and told us we were welcome. She looked like she knew what we were here for because she went to call another woman, more like a younger version of her.  It must have been Mfundo’s mother. The man of the house followed after.

Gogo introduced us and told them what we were there for.
"Enye yezinkomo zenu idle ensimini yethu".

Shit!  Was this really happening? Was I really pregnant? Reality was starting to sink in minute by minute.

"Do you have proof of that?", the man asked.
Gogo told them that it was true, that she confirmed it.
Mfundo’s mother looked at us like she wanted to kill us.
"Wena ntombazane did you do a pregnancy test?" She asked me. I shook my head no.
She asked how I knew I was pregnant if I didn't do a pregnancy test. Gogo told them about the urine test and my breasts, and my many other symptoms.

Mfundo was called in and he was shocked to see me and as expected, he denied the pregnancy. He even denied knowing me, said he never had any interactions with me. Well I must have been sleeping with a ghost version of him then. Maybe Nandi was right! Maybe boys really didn't love us, maybe they only wanted to sleep with us and forget about us.
Gogo and the aunts I was with were ashamed of the results of the meeting. I had brought shame to my family's name. I was already an outcast and I made things worse.

Have you ever noticed how us women are the ones blamed in situations like this? That was the case for me too. His mother had a field day with me, that I was sleeping around and I didn't even know who the father of the thing I was carrying was. I was the one who was blamed as if I made myself pregnant. As always, it was the woman's fault.

"Ichilo leli! Ihlazo namanyala! Waze wasenza Nonkululeko"that's what gogo said the minute we arrived home. Dad asked how it went and she told him the boy denied me.
Dad looked at me like he wanted to say something but he stopped himself. They didn't have to worry. I didn't plan on keeping whatever it was on my stomach. I wanted to kill it. By morning I would go to the clinic and get it over with. I had decided and no one would change my mind.
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To be continued

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