NONKULULEKO

09

NONKULULEKO
#09

After the incident in the bathroom, I had to be rushed to the clinic. The pain was getting worse. I didn't understand what was happening. Maybe I was paying for killing an innocent soul. Upon arrival at the clinic I was given immediate help. Turns out, the nurse who helped me was a student nurse and she didn't understand the procedure she was doing. The doctors told me I was miscarrying because of the pill that the nurse gave me. It wasn't an abortion pill, she mixed pills and gave me something that destroyed me.I should have known, she looked young. It caused complications to my uterus and I had to be transferred to Inkosi Albert Luthuli Central Hospital for further medical help. My dad was right by my side through it all, I knew when we got home they would give me a lecture and reprimand me for what I did. But it was done, there was no turning back. Part of me was glad that I miscarried, I honestly didn't want the baby. Even if I gave birth to it, I would have killed it with my own hands.

It was a good thing that my uterus was damaged. I didn't care. I didn't want to be a mother to anyone. I had a lot on my plate. I didn't want to bring a child to the world and die and leave him or her to an evil stepmother like Nandi, or a cruel family like gogo and dad. I just couldn't! It was for the best.

I spent a week in the hospital being treated and cleaned inside. I had to undergo surgery. My first experience. It was with no doubt that I would never have kids again, the doctors triple confirmed it. I was happy. They thought it was weird that I was happy to hear the revelation, but they didn't know half the things I had been through. They offered counselling and I refused. Talking to someone about my problem wasn't particularly what I wanted to do. Everyone judged me, even though they didn't say it. But they judged me for everything that happened. It was my fault.

"What was she doing with him in a room alone?" they said.
"When he took off her panties, what did she think would happen?"They judged me continuously. But they didn't know shit! None of them had the right to run their mouths and talk about things they didn't understand. I trusted Mfundo, I thought he was a friend. Yes I consented to the sex but I only did it because I was scared he wouldn't talk to me again. I felt under pressure. I didn't want to lose my virginity. But this was Mfundo, the only person who listened to me at that point.I thought he had good intentions but clearly I was wrong. He was just the same as other people in my life. All I knew was pain, wounds and misery. Nothing made sense anymore.

I went back home when I was deemed fit to be discharged from the hospital. My family wanted to continue with the traditional customs that are done when a person loses a child. We did that and things seemed to get back to normal. Five months later I had forgotten about the incident and one positive thing was that I had gone back to school. My father finally allowed me to go back and fixed all my documents. I was repeating Grade 9. It didn't matter to me, so long as I was in school. I was a bright child so adjusting wasn't all that bad.

I was on the way home when I got frightened by a rat. You know those big ones from Alexandra? I haven't been to Alexandra but I often heard people talking about how big those rats are. I was fast enough to catch it and run to the bushes with it. It was shifting uncomfortably in my hand. I put it down and stomped it down with my school shoes. I took a pen from my bag and stabbed it. I stabbed it multiple times without any guilt or fear. I kept a straight face as I murdered the poor rat. There was blood all over my uniform, shoes and face. I panted heavily and threw it away. I looked at the blood all over me and checked if anyone saw what I just did.

People would call me crazy. Maybe I was. I wiped my pen clean with my hands and put it back on my bag. I went home like nothing happened. Gogo saw me before I could change and wash the uniform.
"What happened to you? Did you fight?" She asked me.
"I killed a rat", I boldly replied. She seemed frightened because of the horrific look on her face.
"How did you kill it?", she asked me.
"I stabbed it with my pen and threw it at the bushes."
"You killed an animal?"
Why did she sound surprised? We Zulus slaughter cows and goats, so why did she not like the idea of killing a rat?
I shrugged my shoulders and went to the room I was using.

I took off my bloodied uniform and socks. I had to wash everything, even the shirt was red with blood. I had the urge to smell the blood. I picked up my uniform, brought it close to my face, and sniffed it. Ahhh! It felt like my head was spinning. What was I doing? Was I turning crazy? No I wasn't. It was normal. I just wanted to know what it smelt like. That didn't mean anything. People suck their blood when they accidentally cut themselves with a knife. So why was it weird for me to smell a rat's blood?

I dropped the uniform on the floor and laughed. I was crazy. My reflection on the mirror was staring deeply at me, or was that me? I got closer to the mirror and I looked nothing like the girl I was years ago. I laughed and punched the mirror, it cracked. That seemed to fuel me because I punched it more, while laughing. Until it broke into pieces and fell on the floor. I stepped on the glasses and picked them up, cleaning the place.

No! That mirror was expensive as per my grandmother's house. But I could have fixed it. I could have modified it to its original form. Gogo just had to come into the room and disturb me. By then, I was crying like a little baby. I didn't mean to break the mirror.
"I'm sorry gogo, it was a mistake. I didn't mean to do it"
"This mirror was expensive. I don't know what is wrong with you"

She was speaking and I was looking at her but I didn't understand her, my mind was occupied. She had to bring me back to life by slapping my shoulder.
"What is wrong with you?"
Nothing.

I had a hiccup . "Nothing is wrong. I am fine"I laughed and picked up the broken pieces.
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To be continued….
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