NONKULULEKO

08

NONKULULEKO
#08

It was still the same day we went to Mfundo’s home, to say I was surprised that Mfundo denied even knowing me would be a lie. The fact that he left me the moment he took my virginity said a lot about me, he didn't care about me. He just wanted to sleep with me and move on to the next girl. I should have been wallowing in pity and crying every night but, he was not worth it. I refused to give him that kind of power, and besides I would terminate the pregnancy; so nothing would lead me to him. It would have been as if we never met, as he claimed. I was mainly granting him his wish.

My father was locked in his room, he never said a word to me on our return. I wanted to know what he was thinking and how disappointed he was, like he always is. But instead, I got the silent treatment. I preferred being shouted at rather than silence. Silence hurt a lot, because you don't know what the other person is thinking. Maybe he was planning to take me out in the middle of the night, he was fed up with me. You could never know.

I went to the kitchen to start with cooking as it was dawning but gogo already beat me to it. I was shocked to see her cook. I thought that was my job, I didn't say anything, I just walked out of the kitchen.

The following morning, my mind was still made up. I wanted to go to the clinic and get it over and done with. I didn't tell anyone where I was going because they were going to try to stop me. The clinic was full and the lines were just long. I didn't know where to go to get help. I asked the girl behind me where I should go for pregnancy issues, and she gladly directed me. Turns out I was standing in the wrong line after all.

I went to that section and found one nurse. She looked at me and she had the warmest smile, reminding me of my mother.
"Hello, can I help you?"
I exhaled nervously and replied with the lowest voice ever, "I want to do an abortion"
"I'm sorry I didn't hear that dear"
"I want to have an abortion", I said clearly.
She had a big frown on her face. She asked me how old I was and I told her I was 16. She asked me if I was sure that I was pregnant and I said yes, but she did a pregnancy test to be sure. It was true, I was really pregnant. More reasons why I had to have an abortion. I didn't even want to succumb to the idea of being a mother. I could never have a child that would live the life I lived. Being constantly shouted at, beaten, sweared at and told you are nothing. It was too innocent to be brought to this world and witness all that.

"It still doesn't change my mind. I want to go ahead with the abortion". I was adamant and sure that I was doing the right thing. The baby would thank me when it got to heaven, I saved it a lifetime of abuse. Who knew what gogo would do to it when it was born?

"Your parents?"
I didn't know much about laws but I knew I had the right to abortion. The nurse ended up giving up talking me out of it. She did the procedure and within an hour it was done. I had successfully killed my first baby. But why did I feel guilty? Why did I suddenly become sad? Maybe that child would have become the president and overthrow Ramaphosa's reign. I  felt very guilty at that moment. The nurse advised me to get some medication to help with the pain and told me that there would be some after effects.

A week later and I felt more dead with every second that passed. A huge part of me was missing- my baby. But no, it was just the guilt. I did the right thing. She/he would never have survived the life I was living. Gogo and dad didn't know anything about what I did. They thought I was still pregnant ,and I wasn't prepared to tell them that wasn't the case anymore.

Gogo asked me to go to the spaza shop for her to buy sugar. I ran there with the hope of quickly coming back, I didn't want to be outside. I felt like everyone was watching me and gossiping about me. The 16 year old who was pregnant! But no one said anything when I was abused. Typical of humans!
I got back home and gave her the sugar. She asked me, "have you talked to your father?"
No, I hadn't talked to him in a week. He was ignoring me.

On the other hand, she was treating me differently. I wasn't cooking nor cleaning like a slave anymore. Did she care? Or she was just pretending? Seeing as she was in a good mood I decided to ask her, "why does everyone hate me? What did I do?"
I asked that question with tears in my eyes, it bothered me so much why I wasn't welcome anywhere.

She hesitated to answer and continued kneading dough. I just wanted to know what I had done to offend people like that because everywhere I went, I was treated like an outcast.
"I don't hate you Nonkululeko", she wasn't convincing. She didn't mean it. She hated me and she knew it.
"You are too young to understand. Your mother wasn't as innocent as you thought her to be", there we go again. Always blaming my mother because she was no more. My mother was an angel, these people needed to stop mentioning her name.
"What does that mean gogo?", I asked her back. Was it possible that they hated me because of what my mother did? Whatever it was.
"I can't talk to you about such matters. You are still a child",  I hated that line so much. I was old enough to understand.

I wanted to ask more but I felt such an unbearable pain shooting from my stomach, almost like someone was pulling and twisting my intestines. Gosh! It hurt a lot. Gogo asked me what was wrong and I rushed to the bathroom. I thought I needed to pee, I sat on the toilet seat and tried to pee but nothing was coming out. The pain was intensifying more and I couldn't help but wimp out. I fell on the floor touching my stomach. I noticed something on the toilet seat. Blood! Where did blood come from? I touched my legs and it was coming from there. I hugged my body like a tiny baby and rocked myself. What was happening?

"Nonkululeko vula! What is going on?"Gogo asked, banging the toilet door. I didn't open. It was the effects the nurse was talking about. I killed the future president and I was paying for it.
I put my finger inside my mouth, tasting the blood. It tasted weird. But the smell of it was interesting.
I found myself laughing hysterically at what was happening.

"Uyahlanya yini wena?(Are you crazy?)" She was still at the door. She heard me crying a minute ago then I was laughing like a maniac.
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To be continued
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