NONKULULEKO

17

NONKULULEKO
#17

I guess it was the time for me to be honest and speak the truth. Letting it all out. Whitney suggested we go to her office, where I would be more comfortable talking with her. Her office was cozy and spacious. I sat on the sofa and it was so comfy. I found myself lying on my back.

"Where do I even start?" I asked her, staring at the white ceiling.
"From the beginning"
I sighed and made myself comfortable.
"First of all, I don't know what is wrong with me. I always have this urge to hurt people, lie and manipulate them. It all started with Nandi abusing me. That woman broke me, I couldn't even recognize who I was anymore. It hurt me more when my father didn't say anything. If I was not beaten, I was shouted at; I didn't have time to sit down. I always had to be on my feet, doing something. The luxury of being a normal teenager was not afforded to me.

Sometimes a shoe would fly to my head, or a spoon or a knife, one day it was a bowl that was broken in my head. I could count so many things that left me with bruises but we would be here for a whole week.

My mother's death changed how everyone felt about me. Everyone suddenly hated me. Even my own father. I could see it in his eyes how he hated me. I was paying for my mother's sins. I even went to my grandmother hoping she would take me in, but she also cast me aside. That's when I realized that I had no one. I was all alone in the world. My father came to fetch me from her place and that's when he beat me with his belt until I blacked out.

I had to go to the hospital for that. Those people ruined my life. I was a happy child when my mother was still alive. But for the past two years, all I have been subjected to is pain, misery and sadness.

Nandi was the worst of them all, I had never experienced hate from a person like that. She didn't want anything to do with me and she didn't even hide it. Nothing I did was enough in her eyes. She always shouted at me, ordered me around. I was and still am very scared of her. When she got next to me I would always jump in fear because I didn't know what she would do next.

Mfundo and gogo also contributed to my pain. We moved to Gogo’s place after my father found out that Nandi's kids weren't his. He was hurt and felt betrayed. Even after everything he had done to me,I still felt sorry for him. I shared his pain. I would say he treated me better, better than gogo."

She kept on writing down.
"What are you writing there?"
She looked at me and smiled, "just notes. Do you want to continue or do you want a break?"
"Can we take a break? Speaking about this is overwhelming"
She nodded and told me she would get some water. She left the room and left her notebook. I sneaked up to read what she was writing.

"Patient has undergone severe psychological trauma."
"Patient shows no emotions nor sympathetic expressions"
"Patient only smiles when she speaks of her deceased mother"

I put down the book and went back to the couch. She came back and gave me water.
"Thank you", I took one big sip and placed the glass on the mini table near me.

"We can continue. So after moving to your grandma's place, did your father’s behavior change?"
"A bit, because he allowed me to go back to school. But he spent most of his time locking himself in his room, he ignored me"
"And how did that make you feel?"
"Sad. I just wanted to be loved by my family like other children"
"When did Mfundo sexually assault you? Before or after you moved to your grandma's place?"
"It was before, when we were still living with my stepmother"
"Did he r*pe you?"

Why was she asking that? Of course he did!
"Yes he did"
"He insists that you were the one who asked him to sleep with you"
"He is lying, why would I do that? And are you here to talk about Mfundo or me?"
"I'm sorry. Please continue telling me about your stay at your grandma's house."

"After Mfundo denied the pregnancy I wanted to have an abortion…..I mean he forced me to abort. But it went wrong, the nurse who was helping me did the procedure wrong and I bled into the bathroom at home. I was rushed to the clinic and I found out my uterus was damaged, after they transferred me to the hospital.
After that I was never the same again. I was coming back from school when I came.across a rat and I killed it. To me, it seemed normal, I didn't flinch as I was stabbing the rat. I had blood all over my uniform."

I drank the water again.
"After that it was the bird, cat, dog, any animal I came across with. It scared gogo and the kids at my school. So they reported me to my teacher. Her name was Miss Ndaba, she spoke with me and told me that other students were co concerned. She went on to tell me that she has seen my behavior before and asked to see my father. I told her I would come with my father the following day, but my father was at the hospital."

"Why was he at the hospital?"
"I am coming to that"
"Before you continue. The killing of animals, did it reduce your pain in a way?"
"A lot. Seeing an animal squirming in pain and trying to get away made me feel better. It made me feel like Nandi, that I had power"
She wrote it down again.
"Anyway I didn't tell anyone at home that Miss Ndaba wanted to see them so I..uhm"

I cleared my throat uncomfortably as that was hard to mention.
"At night I sneaked out and went to Miss Ndaba's house. She lived in the neighborhood. She opened for me and offered me a seat. I didn't talk but I just started throwing things at her. It took her by surprise. I went for the knife and stabbed her arm. I was wearing gloves.
I remember her screaming, 'why are you doing this?'

But it was like I ate something, my moral capacity had left the room. I stabbed her again, all over her body. She took her last breath in front of me. I did without any mercy or control. After realizing that she was dead, I panicked and decided to burn her body along with her house.

I made sure that no one saw me and ran off, but I took off the clothes and wore other ones before I could get home.

If I tell you that I felt guilty about what I did I would be lying, and I if I could give you a reason why I k*lled her you would call me crazy."

Whitney didn't seem shocked at the revelation. She still had a smile on her face, she didn't judge me. Instead she told me to keep on offloading. It felt good to talk to someone.

"That's not all. I also poisoned my father. That brought back his cancer, so I'm the reason why he's dead"

"I think we can end our session for today. I have listened to you and taken your words into my heart. I won't lie to you and tell you that there is light under the tunnel. You have been through a great deal of pain, I wouldn't imagine going through what you have gone through at such a young age. You are truly strong and remarkable, the fact that you have made it this far"

She was the first person who understood me, maybe deep down she was judging me but she didn't show it.

"However, I do recommend a full mental examination. Killing without mercy is not normal, especially for a 16 year old!"

Asylum. That's what it meant. She thought I was crazy too, didn't she?

"They can be of best help to you, your situation is out of my field of work. We will get you help I promise you"

She was wrong, I couldn’t be helped. I am still the same even now. People like me aren't meant for good things. We are just meant to suffer.

"What do you think is wrong with me?", I asked her with teary eyes.
"For now I can't say for sure but….you will be okay dear. I need to make a phone call".

She went out and I followed to eavesdrop. I'm sure by now you have figured out that I love to eavesdrop, you do it too, so don't look at me like that.

"Hi. I have a teenager here in need of a psych evaluation. Yeah she's 17."
………
"I have only been with her for an hour but the things she has said. I am suspecting ASPD,  but that can only be diagnosed when she's 18. She is showing signs for conduct disorder for now; aggression to animals, manipulative lying, impulsive decisions, no regrets, no emotional expressions. She has been through so much Doctor, please include a brain scan too, because it may be a genetic cause. I'm sorry you're the expert here.

She seems to have memory loss too, she kept on scratching her head, thinking. Please get her help as soon as possible"

I went back to my seat comprehending what I just heard. What the actual fuck bazalwane!?
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Unedited, forgive me

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