admirer's obsession

14. in love with love

You know that feeling when you feel yourself getting weaker. You know that you are not the same. And it's not in a good way. I feel like that nowadays.

I'm not the yn I was.
I was never supposed to be so vulnerable and fearful.

I was guided to be strong and decent. I always thought that there's nothing I could be afraid of. But recently life proved me wrong.

I am afraid of a lot of things. A lot.

Fear kills you.
Like a slow poison. It will take away your ability to function properly. And what is a  human able to achieve if the leash of its destiny isn't in its hands.

I can't dare to show it. Can't let the world know about the mud over me. No way can I ruin this image I've maintained for so many years. Teenagers look up to me. All eyes are on me

I can't portray myself as someone weak and dull. I need to be confident and strong. I don't have  a choice. Mother dearest would end me if she could. I don't want to face her anytime soon.

I can try a little harder. Be the perfect little doll she always wanted me to be.

Yeah I can do that!

Cameras flash in my face, the reporters mobbing me. It's been a while since this happened and I'm unaware of the reasons. Eric tried his best to escort me from the car to the campus but it felt like forever.

"What happened to kim taehyung?" "Are you aware of the attacks on your boyfriend?" the reports shouted. So the news went around about his attacks, the video of him jungkook was viral too. Everything about the situation was out online and people wanted answers.

Answers I also didn't have.
What was I supposed to tell them? That I have a stalker who hurts everyone around me? That'll just bring me more into his light.

I pulled one of the reports camera, pulling it closer to my face,
"kim taehyung is not my boyfriend anymore"

i left the camera and roars of the crowd increased. They kept asking more questions. I almost felt lost under their towering voices. Their eyes all around suffocated me.

My chest clenched and something happened in my stomach, the muscles of legs and arms tensed at the overwhelming feeling

"Excuse me" i loud voice dominated the crowd, making few of the reports step back. I felt an arm around me, a solid chest against my back pushed me to walk through the crowd with ease. I looked down to the tattooed sleeve around my stomach. Whenever this man is close to me, I can feel his turmoil inside of me. The heavy storm radiates out of him.

And sometimes I wonder about being swept up in it.

Jungkook quickly pushed us through the crowd, guarding me with his body that I was almost invisible under him.

We finally entered the campus and the crowd was left behind. He finally released me, turning me around to face him. "Are you okay?" I could still feel my breathing being uneven but it wasn't bad. "Yes," I said.         

"You sure?" he held my hands, caressing his thumb over my skin. I simply nodded, feeling drained. "We can go back home if you want. I'll take you when the crowd clears." he insisted.

"I said im fine jungkook"  i turned around to walk to our first class, jungkook followed silently
I thought about it a lot. When Jungkook said he wanted to help me find the stalker, that night I just indulged myself in these thoughts.
And I felt it again.

Fear.

Not for myself. But for him. I was afraid of putting him at risk. Especially after knowing the extent that bitch can go to.

"Yn" he called, as we continued to walk. "Yes" I said, looking down at my feet, going one after another.
"Look at me," he said. "What?" I slowly turned around to face him, my eyes widened a little at his sudden command. The truth is I don't take commands, but his felt like spells. Out of your control.

"You're okay." He says, gliding his fingers across my eyebrow that I didn't realize were tensely frowning. Maybe it's been a while since I felt this warmth in me. But the sad part is that it reminds me of him. Reminds me of how he used to make sure I'm fine.

I didn't care if people called it the bare minimum. It meant a fucking lot to me. And I would do anything to feel it again. To be loved like he did. To be cared for just like he did.

But I don't want these feelings to be associated with him.

"Sweetheart" jungkook pulled me by the wrist, making me fall towards him. "What's wrong?" He asked, looking down at me.

And oh god.

He feels like him.

This warmth is so familiar to my heart. I'm lost. This was exactly what my freezing cold self wanted. Wanted more of it.

I didn't think twice and leaned closer, tiptoeing to reach him. "Wait-" his words were gone before he could complete them. My lips rested on his and heat crawled throughout my whole system.

It felt just like before.

When I was in his arms, in the rainy nights.

I felt as if taehyung was back to me.

I felt his grip tightening around my hand before he pulled me away.

And that's when I came back to reality.

"I'm sorry" I immediately say, blood rushing furiously in my veins.  That unwanted feeling is setting in my stomach yet again. Cause I fucked up again.

"It's okay"
"no. I'm so sorry i-i didn't mean it."
"Yn it's ok calm down" I walked away from him and he tried to hold me. But I couldn't.

I couldn't let him near me again.

"Listen to me-"
"n-no I fucked up. I know. I shouldn't be thinking about him. I shouldn't" I rambled, tears brimming.

"Him? What are you saying? Talk to me, sweetheart " Jungkook pleads, holding me by the forearm.

"Don't touch me" I almost shouted. My voice echoed in the empty hallway because we were late for the class.

"I'll not. But you need to calm down. Slow breaths yn" jungkook calmly, his hands on his side now, standing only some steps away from me.

My knees give up and I fall to the ground. He immediately went on his knees, taking my now shivering figure into his arms. "It's gonna be ok. It'll be fine. Breathe slowly" he rubbed over my forearm, totally engulfing me in his body.

"You'll be fine, yn. Just breath"

I did. I tried. But nothing came out. If I wanted to tell Jungkook to stay away from me. I couldn't. I couldn't speak or breathe properly.

I know he just wants to help me. But every time he touches me. It's just harder for me to breathe.

"Yn loosen up" jungkook panicked, looking at my struggle. But that struggle only persisted till I felt his soft lips over mine. Warmth envelopes me, canning my senses. He pulled back and I inhaled sharply.

I inhaled.
Exhaled. And repeated.

"Just like that" he whispered. "You're ok. Everything's okay" he hugged me closer, and I felt another soft kiss on my head. The tension slowly vanished from my legs, the uneasiness leaving my stomach but not completely. The heart was Frantic, beating like anything.

But at last, I could breathe.

"We are going home. I'll not hear anything now" he pulled me back on my feet and I silently followed him.

We went back home in my car. It's been a while since I lost control over myself like this.

One thing I know is that jungkook isn't the problem.

It is what I'm associating with him.

Now it feels so awkward between us. I don't know how to explain to him what just happened. 

He seems silent and rather calm. And that's very unusual of him. I guess...

The storm has now silenced.