admirer's obsession

16. his pain

Jungkook pov 

Love? I don't do that. I'm afraid I can't. If I was to say that I love yn. It would be a straight up lie. I just simply don't know what it is.

But over the years I've found myself obsessed with her. I'm not a manic or a psychopath. It got nothing to do with it.

She just...pulls me back to her. Trust me when I say. I tried. I tried to run away. But my heart couldn't survive even a day without looking at her.I can't name this feeling. Even if it's a glance for a second or watching the way she laughs. The curves of her lips, the hue on her nose and the sparkle in her eyes whenever something incites her. I was obsessed with it.

I was lost in it. With no sense of myself. All of me was consumed by her. At first I wondered why this happened. And what's so special about her. But later it all made sense. She was my sanctuary. My escape. And then it became my everything.

Even when none of this was ever supposed to happen.

I've never seen her so broken before. Throughout highschool she was the happiest I've seen her. Even though she was indulged in her studies most of the time. Taehyung, jimin and cara gave her company to enjoy her life. While I admired from afar.

When I look at her now, all I see is this little fire, trying its best to keep to burning. To keep itself alive. It roars when she sleeps, the demons in her nightmare try to wash out the flames but her will keeps it ignited. I have always loved watching her sleep. But now, its painful. I can't bring myself to see her crying and screaming in pain and do nothing about it.

So when sometimes it becomes too much, I keep her close to myself in her sleep, give her all I have in me and she immediately calms down.

I never wished anything for her. Until now. When I see her shattered, my heart burns. I feel like ending everything that is hurting her. And I don't know why?

This exact feeling led me to send Taehyung in the hospital with a broken bone. Because I couldn't control myself.

When I saw yn crying in pain because of him, I swear I saw taehyung covered in red in my head.

And that's kind of problematic I guess...

Now I only wish for her to be happy again. And I would do everything in my power to give her that.

I know exactly why she kissed back then. When I felt those lips on mine. My world stopped.

And these moments, when she is close to me, the flames in her are in their full glory, burning me too.

But I knew it wasn't me she was kissing. She never did. In her head it was taehyung.

I know there are different ways in which psychological refuge manifests itself. It manifested in yn this way.

And to be honest I have no complaints. Because since that day, we haven't stopped. Every hour, every minute, every second all I think about is her lips on mine. And I am sure it's the same with her.

It's like a drug. Once is all it takes to become addicted. An addict would do anything and everything to get their fix.

cause Why is yn calling me at 4 in the morning?

It's simple.

I'm her drug.

Even though she knows it's bad, she craves it more.

Without any second thought, I stand up to do a quick mouthwash. No one wants to kiss someone who tastes like ramen. She knew I was awake because my music was loud enough to be heard in her apartment.