Heaven's So Far Away - A Sam Winchester X Female Reader Fic

Chapter 26

Sam's POV

***6 Months Later***

"My darling Sam,

I hope that one day soon you'll be awake and able to read this...and I also hope that once you do, you can find it in your heart to forgive me. 

I guess I should start by saying, I know it wasn't your fault. My decision to leave isn't based out of hatred or disgust or whatever else you may think. I know it was Famine, Sam...not you. If you unfortunately recall the last words I'd said...please don't dwell on them. I acted out of impulse, and a whole bunch of pent up emotion...and I don't resent you for it...not for any of it.

If you do wish to dwell on anything I've said...let it be this:

I love you. I always have, and I always will. 

I've loved you from the moment our eyes met in Stanford, and even now as I write this...as I listen to you screaming out for me amidst your pain to curse me for what we had to do...I love you even more than I did yesterday. 

That is exactly why I had no choice but to leave.

My love for you is the strongest, most powerful thing I've ever felt in my life. And because of that... witnessing your pain hurts me even deeper. Through all you have to endure, all the troubles and hardships you face, through every fucked up road this life forces you down...you need a constant support, a solid rock to lean on, someone that is capable of lifting some of the burden off of your shoulders.

I'm so....so sorry, Sam. But that can't be me.

I tried. If nothing else, please know I tried. I tried to push through the pain of not seeing your face, knowing you were out there risking death at every turn. I've tried to keep a grip on my emotions, but I've been slipping dangerously for too long. I feel so lost, broken and adrift...because my love for you isn't enough to help you. I don't know how to help...all I seem to do is slip farther down this hole...and watching me go through that wouldn't be doing you any favors.

I think I just need time to find myself...figure out what it is I want, who I am, what I can be capable of, and how my life factors into yours...if it even can at all. 

I don't hate you. This isn't to punish you. I just think you've brought me into a world that I was nowhere near ready to be in. Maybe I can fix that...I truthfully don't know right now.

All I know for certain is I love you. And I hope, even if this hurts you just as bad as it hurts me...you'll still love me too.

You're a hero, Sam. You're the world's hero...and you're my hero too. I'm just sorry I wasn't able to step up to the plate like you do for everyone else.

Forgive me.

-Y/N"

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Five months I've been awake following the events with Famine. One hundred and fifty days to be exact.

One hundred and fifty days since I emerged from my coma, dazed and confused...and wanting nothing more than to hold Y/N in my arms and explain everything to her...tell her how sorry I am...and just feel the pain melt away with the calming warmth her hugs bring.