Heaven's So Far Away - A Sam Winchester X Female Reader Fic

Chapter 5

Sam's POV

Following our questioning session with Y/N...we went into the hospital wing that was under construction she'd mentioned, and we did a sweep for EMF just to confirm our suspicions. 

And we were right...a severely pissed off spirit must've gotten knocked loose by the construction...because our EMF reader was going haywire the second we stepped back there.

So now, knowing a bit more of the back story, we had left and gone back to our motel, thick binders in hand...to begin the search for whoever our ghost may be. 

It was a grueling process...especially because the lists that Y/N had given us consisted of hundreds of names...and we had to search every single one of them and see if we could dig up any dirt that could lead to a vengeful spirit. 

We didn't look at names that were more recent than 1970, as that would be way too recent...but that only shortened the list by about fifty names, give or take. 

We were both searching diligently....each of us scouring the internet and gradually crossing names off our suspect list...but in a turn of events....Dean was actually moving a lot quicker than I was.

Because I couldn't focus....not for a single second. 

Of course, I was thinking about the sadder stuff....the night I'd left Y/N...the hurt in her eyes and her voice, both from back then...and from earlier today. I was being crushed by the weight of the immense guilt that was tearing me apart from the inside out...and I was thinking about the fact that it felt like a gigantic part of my heart was left in California that night...never to return, and never to rejuvenate. 

But I wasn't just dwelling on the sad. After I'd seen the little stuffed moose...and I was reminded of such a happy memory...a lot of the good began to flood back too...and it was like embracing an old friend. 

The day I asked her to be mine...the day I tasted her soft lips for the first time...the day I first saw her heart-stopping naked body and felt what it was like to be inside her....the day I first told her I loved her...and the day she'd said it back. 

It was like I was mentally flipping through an old photo album, chock-full of all of our greatest hits...just being reminded of laughter and smiles that had long since been forgotten.

It was at this point, I began to curse myself for burying everything involving Y/N so painfully deep...because the more I remembered...the lighter my heart began to feel. I buried her like she was dead to me...and in doing so, a part of me died as well. 

The more I dwelled on it, now, after all these years....the more I began to realize that she was an essential part of me...a vitamin that I had been depriving myself of for way too long.

And I'd just fucked up yet again...so suffering from withdrawal was on course to be my eternal punishment. And loving her from afar, was still the only possible way I could. There was no other choice...for her sake. I'd hurt her two times, now....which was way too fucking many...and if I tried to reconcile anything...all I'd do is hurt her again.

Because as much as I hated to admit it, there was absolutely no way in hell I was ever getting out of the hunter life again. 

After staring off into space for way longer than I'd meant to...I was finally pulled back down to Earth by the sound of Dean's fingers snapping a few inches away from my face.

"Sorry...what?" I asked, completely oblivious to whatever he'd just said.

"Alright, you know what..." Dean groaned, slamming his laptop closed, and reaching over to do the same thing to mine, causing my eyes to widen in surprise.