Heaven's So Far Away - A Sam Winchester X Female Reader Fic

Chapter 27

Y/N's POV

***Five Months Earlier***

"Top you off, sweetie?" the kind blonde woman behind the bar asked me as she gestured to my empty glass with her eyes.

I nodded softly in response, nudging the glass in her direction. "Please." I muttered.

"It was a Jack & Coke, right?" she asked softly as she grabbed my glass.

"Could you make it a double this time?" I asked in a low voice. "The normal ones don't seem to be cutting it at the moment."

She gave me a sympathetic smile. "Of course." she nodded as she turned to fill my glass with extra liquor. The look on my face must have clearly portrayed the emotional state I was in...because after watching her pour, it looked like an 80/20 ratio. Not that I was complaining.

It'd been a month since I'd left Bobby's house...but it already felt like an eternity. I was so lost...so adrift without Sam...without my life-preserver that always pulled me back to shore.

Clearly, I didn't think leaving all the way through. There was nowhere in the world for me to fucking go. I steered clear of Lawrence, and of San Jose...because I had a gut feeling that if Sam were to wake up, or any of them were feeling froggy enough to try and find me...those are the first places they'd look.

It's not like I didn't want to see them...as soon as I'd reached the end of Bobby's salvage yard, I nearly just turned right around and went back in. Every single part of my being was screaming at me...telling me that I'd just made a huge mistake.

But what choice did I have? I couldn't recognize myself...drowning in vices..unable to make anything resembling a rational decision...I was clinging desperately onto that thin line that lies between being heartbroken, and being certifiably insane.

I had some serious decisions to make...but while being forced to listened to Sam's screams, the only thing I could think of was either pumping him full of that vile stuff just to get the pain to stop...or eating a bullet just so I wouldn't have to bare listening to it another second.

That....that scared the ever-loving shit out of me. Because I don't want to die...and the fact the thought even crossed my mind told me that I needed to figure my shit out before I try to continue my relationship with Sam. And the fact I'd be willing to give him more demon blood just to soothe him...that shows that I was completely and utterly unfit to be part of his support system.

I needed to leave...I was so mentally fucked up that I would have done a lot more harm than good. And I was also thinking of Dean, Bobby and Castiel...how unfair is it that not only do they have to deal with a detoxing Sam...but an off-the-walls, irrational me on top of it all?

I didn't want to put the burden of my mental state on him...I didn't want him to worry. Me being off my fucking rocker was the last thing he needed on his plate. I know that's hypocritical...because him withholding stuff from me because 'he didn't want me to worry' is exactly what pissed me off to no end initially.

But....in a way...at least, this is how I tried to justify it...I felt like it was different. He didn't want me to worry about a conscious decision he was making. I don't want him to worry about the fact that I seem to be incapable of doing fucking anything right now...let alone make a conscious decision.

I tried to weigh out the options carefully...but trying to think rationally and go over the lists of pros and cons over and over...while he's shrieking loud enough to bring the house down around me...I mean, what would you do?