The Merchant and Tavern Master

Confession and Guilt

"I was involved with courtesans when I was in Harbour City. Twice."

Takahiko's words struck me like thunder.

"Wh.. why?" I asked him, "why are you telling me this?"

"Because I don't intend to hide it from you."

No.. I can't believe it! I mean, he did say he needed to find clues about Isabelle's whereabouts in the brothel's establishments, but I never once believed he would fall to the courtesan's temptation! He.. he isn't a man like that! But.. but..

"..."

He just stood silently in front of me. I just realized that I have released my arm from his. He didn't even look guilty or proud. He was just readying himself for me to judge him.

What.. What should I do? I.. I don't know..

"Y.. you don't make this up, right? Just to cancel our engagement?"

"No, I don't," his answer doesn't have any doubt.

"Do you feel guilty?"

"I do. I was involved with them because I needed clues about Isabelle's whereabouts. But whatever the reason may be, the fact is I still have been involved with those two courtesans when we are in engagement. I won't make excuses for what I have done."

I found myself torn between conflicting emotions. On one hand, a whirlwind of anger and sadness raged within me, yet on the other, a sense of understanding and acceptance began to seep in. Ultimately, I couldn't help but wonder, what was it that I truly desired from him?

"What... what would you have me do?" I inquired, my voice trembling.

Takahiko's response was calm without emotion.

"I don't know. I'm the one at fault. I must seek your forgiveness, and I'm willing to accept any punishment you deem appropriate."

How could he relay such news with such composure?

Did he harbor no remorse?

Was his love for me still as a sister?

Was he not sad if our engagement broke?

Did he think our engagement was not important?

Did he truly feel guilt?

"Sofia? You alright?" His voice suddenly broke the silence between us.

I don't know.

My heart was hurting. That was obvious. I wanted to shout at him, I wanted to cry at him, and I wanted to throw insults at him, but even with all this turmoil inside my heart, my mind thankfully still reminded me, What's the point? He has admitted it himself, so it is most likely true. He couldn't lie after all; that's what made me adore him in the first place. But what should I do?

"Sofia, I understand if you feel hurt because of this. I also don't know what I should do to atone for this, but I will accept everything you decide for me."

"Takahiko, do you still want to marry me?" I asked him this first.

"..."

He closed his eyes, seemingly contemplating. Whatever his answer will be, I know it will determine our future together. I still don't know if I can forgive him, I still feel pain in my heart.

He slowly opened his eyes, and with a firm voice he gave his reply.

"I do. I am serious when I promise you that I will marry you when you're 18."

I would usually feel happy and feel like I wanted to fly to hear his promise. But not this time.

"But, why? Why did you fall for the courtesans? Did they get that much appeal from me? Was that the reason?"

I couldn't help it. I wanted to know why. I knew he wasn't that kind of man who deliberately looked for prostitutes. I understand he was looking for clues to Isabelle's whereabouts, but I didn't think he would fall for such charms. He wouldn't fall for ungenuine approaches. I knew he wouldn't.

"Did.. did you like them, Takahiko?"

"..."

He closed his eyes again. He always does this whenever he's contemplating something really important before giving his answer.

"I think I did," His answer didn't even have a slight doubt.

"At first, I thought, they were just like merchants, selling their bodies and services, using seduction and crafted masks to appeal to me or every male patron," he said, then staying silent again, his gaze to the night sky looking a bit sad.

"But, behind that, they were good women. They were just like any other person. One of them even sacrificed her well-being just to help me find important clues about Isabelle's whereabouts."

"Did you not think that they were just pretending, Takahiko? I know how a woman's heart is! Did you never once think they were just pretending to make you sympathize with them?" My voice unintendedly became higher.

"Sofia," his sudden reply shocked me. It was a cold voice. I never heard him call my name with such a chilling tone. "I know you're in confusion now, but I don't want you to judge them without even knowing them personally."

I was silenced.

"While I cannot judge every single one of the courtesans, at least the two that I have been involved with were not evil people. They just do whatever they can to survive, for themselves and for their family, and I can understand their struggles. You can't insult their sacrifice like that."

Why?

Why do you defend them, Takahiko?

I.. I can't understand..

I felt my eyes well up with tears. I can't hold it anymore. But I also don't want him to see me cry..

"I.. I will go home alone.."

I turned my back to him and ran.

Tears flowed, and I didn't care. I was confused, but I knew I must return home.

Why Takahiko?

Why did you hurt me like this?

In no time, I arrived at my home. My mother seemed to be still talking with Ayumu. They were surprised by my sudden arrival, but I didn't greet them, and I don't care. I want to throw myself into bed and cry my heart out.

Why? Why? Why? Why?

I pushed my face against my pillow, ensuring I didn't let any voice leak.

What should I do?

What can I do?

How am I supposed to talk with him, with my mother, or with his mother tomorrow?

What should I do?

Endless questions haunt my mind, as if it wants to torture me with my own naivety. It took me some time before I lost my consciousness, embraced by the hand of the goddess of dreams.