Heart Attack (a HeartStopper story)

Nick. The past.

Song recomendation for the chapter: Begin again. - Red. - Taylor Swift.
——————————-

"And I think that was it...then we changed the subject and time passed."

Nick drove seriously, trying to see the road and at the same time at Charlie, who was looking sadly out the window while holding his hand.

"And how are you feeling? You look a little crestfallen, although I think it was a good conversation and had a good result."

"I don't know... I feel happy, but there is something that I can't express that bothers me... I feel a little guilty I think."

"Why?"

"For both of us...for you, for him. I feel like I'm putting you both in a super awkward situation because of my stupidity."

Nick knew what he was doing, it was typical of him. He was convinced that him being honest and saying what he felt was making everyone's life worse. Even though everyone involved was a free adult who loved him and was responsible for what was happening as much as he was. They wanted to be there, maybe not like this, but they were prices he had to pay to be happy.

"Char I think you're doing it again."

"Doing what?"

"Thinking you're inopportune with your sincerity and feelings."

"I don't think that's it. I'm not being fair to you."

"I think you're trying hard to be as fair as you can given your circumstances. Your job is not to please me, nor to please him, and we are both where we are because of how much we want to be with you. It's not a sacrifice, and yes maybe not everything is perfect, but nothing is." Nick squeezed his hand affectionately. "And I think he understands that too."

"Thank you for your words Nick...but I can't seem to shake that feeling."

"If you want we can pick apart the feeling more, to see where it's coming from. Specifically with me... why do you feel guilty?"

"Because a part of me... did want to try to be with both of you, regardless of how you felt."

"And in the end, why didn't you?"

"Because I know I'm not ready, we're not ready... not you, not me, not him."

"So I think you took responsibility for that emotion, and you were honest with yourself in realizing you weren't ready to pursue it... there's no need to feel guilty with me. I accepted that that was a possibility... and if you had come back to me telling me that you would try... I would have accepted it and done my part to make that work."

"Oh Nick... you are so mature and sensitive." Charlie covered his face with one hand, as he smiled and held his hand gently with the other, but... was he a little disappointed that he didn't react with jealousy and possession?

"Why do you feel guilty with him?"

"Because I lied to him."

"When?"

"When I told him I would have done the same thing to you if he had been in your position."

Nick looked confused.

"I don't think I understand you."

"Before he agreed to go back to just being my friend and getting the band back, he wonder what if everything had been the other way around, and he had been my boyfriend all this time and we were happy... and you came back out of nowhere and were in his position, asking me to be with both of you... he asked me if I would have done the same, and asked you to wait and be just friends first." Charlie was watching him now, studying his features as he drove.