Snk Various x Reader | Lemon

Chapter 70: The Journal

Armin and I had fallen asleep, waking up later to the free time bell. "Hey Y/N, I'm going to go to the mess hall for a cup of water," Armin groaned groggily. "Alright," I said, "get me one too, while you're at it." Armin slipped out of bed. There was no goodbye at the door. Formalities weren't needed anymore. We were just that close. Armin walked down the labyrinth-like pathways. His feet crushed the lightly frost-covered grass beneath them, making a crunching sound. 

"Armin!"

He suddenly heard a faint voice call his name from a distance. Armin looked around, trying to distinguish who was yelling at him. As the person got closer, their voice did too, getting louder with every call. Armin finally recognized who was calling him. It was Eren, who soon came into view his view. "Oh Eren, it's you..." Armin mumbled. "Yeah... Could you come by the cabin, I mean, our cabin? Think you left some of your stuff there. I just thought that you might want it..."

"Oh yeah, sure. I'm going down to the mess hall for some water right now. Is it fine if I meet you there, after?" Armin asked. "Sure," Eren said, "that works for me. See you then." The two passed each other and walked separate ways. Things were so different. Armin would have never left Eren's side if he didn't meet me. They would have still been in the same cabin and they probably still would have been best friends. Now that Armin had someone who actually wanted to be with him, he felt like he didn't need to follow people around. Armin finally opened the doors to the mess hall and walked inside. 

Eren finally got back to his cabin. He kicked the wooden door shut and flopped down onto Armin's old bed. He'd taken over Armin's bed, a few months after Armin had left the cabin for good. When Armin came back while I had forgotten him, Eren slept in his own bed, never mentioning to Armin that he'd slept in his bed. When Armin went back to sleeping in my cabin, Eren resumed sleeping in Armin's bed. None of his cabin-mates said anything about it, although they did notice. Eren groaned and scratched at the fabric of the mattress. He was the only one in the cabin. 

"This side's all beaten up," he muttered angrily as he got up. He figured the other side of the mattress may not be as torn up as the side he'd been sleeping on. Eren wiggled his fingers in between the bed frame and mattress, then flipped the mattress over. A bunch of papers flew up into his face. "What the hell?" Eren exclaimed. The papers safely flew to the ground. Eren bent down and picked one up. He immediately recognized Armin's handwriting. Eren lift up the mattress, once again, and found a mess of papers, along with a notebook, of which he collected.

"Hmm, maybe this is Armin's journal. I don't remember him ever having written in one but I guess I could have just not been around when he was..."

Eren stuffed the loose papers back into the book and, out of curiosity, flipped open to the first page. He knew he probably shouldn't read Armin's personal journal. It was hidden under his bed for a reason. He probably didn't want anyone reading it. Eren felt like he was being intrusive but his curiosity was getting the best of him. Just as he was about to start reading, the loose papers fell out and he dropped the book onto the floor. "Fuck."

Eren bent down to pick everything up but something caught his eye before he could. He picked the book up again, now flipped to a page that caught his interest. He read, "I feel like an abomination. Yesterday, I talked to Y/N about home. I've wanted to get all of that off my chest for years now and it felt like the right time to do so. I don't know why I feel so down, even after confessing it all to her. Shouldn't that have fixed me? Why am I still carrying this burden? Will my parents' abuse haunt me forever? I almost regret talking about it because I feel worse than I did before I told her. Maybe it's just because I've finally let all of my baggage out. Who knows? I'm honestly just embarrassed with myself, at this point. Y/N must think I'm disgusting. I was defiled and so there's no way she'd want me now, now that I'm used goods. I don't know how a girl like that could ever want me in the first place. There's no way she would. I just feel horribly depressed. I don't know if anything could cheer me up."

Eren was baffled by what he was reading. He'd never known about what Armin experienced at the hands of his parents. He could barely believe what he was reading. Was this a sick joke? He turned to the next page and his eyes widened as he continued reading the horrors Armin recounted in writing. 

Back in my cabin, Armin handed me my water, placing his on the nightstand. He'd gotten back moments ago. "I'm going to my old cabin quickly. Eren said I left some stuff there so I want to go pick it up," Armin told me. "Okay," I replied, "but you know the drill. If you're not back in fifteen minutes I'll be looking for you."

"Why so possessive?"

"I'm not trying to be. I just don't want anything bad to happen like, you know, that one time."

"O-Oh, yeah. Well, I'll see you soon."

Armin walked out and closed the door, beginning his short hike to his old cabin. Eren, on the other hand, was astonished by what he was reading.

"I figure venting about all of this on paper may help. I'm not even sure about where I should start, but I guess I'll start by saying everything went down in Shiganshina before my parents ventured out beyond the walls. Maybe this could be my memoir. I was never close with my parents and they never loved me. I know that's harsh to say but it was my reality. I feel like they never truly cared about me and that they only cared about what I could do to benefit them. They never wanted a child, let alone a son. My birth was an accident, from what I've been told. If my parents really wanted children I probably would have had siblings. I was always expected to complete tasks that benefitted our family. I'd always help out with collecting food and doing chores, yet they'd end up punishing me. Grandpa never knew about the torture I endured. I never had the heart to tell him because I didn't want him to see me differently. I was scared he wouldn't believe me and even more, I was scared that talking about it would destroy my family. I kept it all a secret. The physical and sexual abuse, the girls' clothes, the pedophiles, the wound on my leg from a failed attempt at a medical procedure. I told nobody."

Eren felt like he was going to cry. Did Armin really grow up experiencing such neglect and abuse? How could something that severe be so unnoticeable? I mean, Armin was great at hiding things but could something like that be completely disguised from his best friends? 

Armin walked up the cabin steps. He opened the door and watched as Eren read his very own private journal. Armin's hands dropped as he stood at the door in horror. Eren looked up at him. "A-Armin... what's thi-"

Armin burst into tears and cried, "don't look at me or talk to me ever again! I hate you Eren! You knew that was private and you chose to read it. How dare you?" Armin ran out of the door and into the forest. He didn't know exactly what Eren had read but he knew of the contents of his journal. He talked about all of his experiences. Everything from encounters with me to his childhood abuse resided in that book. Eren dropped the novel onto the pile of papers on the ground and ran after Armin, bumping into Jean on the way out. Sadly, Jean noticed the book on the ground. "Armin wait!" Eren yelled after him, barely able to keep up.

"I hate you, Eren! I hate you so much!" Armin yelled from afar. Eren stopped. He lost him. "Shit..." he muttered. Unfortunately, Jean had begun divulging Armin's journal.