One Stupid Thing

2:7:63

Yeah, so...uh... just read...

I apologize in advance.
——

It's been one whole day since I saw my father kill himself with my own eyes and nothing has changed. I still feel nothing.

After... everything... I decided to move back home to Tannyhill. It isn't necessarily exactly what I would prefer, but I also want to be there for my family.

The cops found a flash drive inside my father's office with a note labeled 'I will always love you.' Shoupe wanted us to watch it, but Rose protested, insisting that we need time to process before potentially escalating the situation. "One thing at a time," she said.

I've spent the last 24 hours alone in my room, making exceptions for meals with the rest of the family that are typically spent in silence. Because my father admitted to killing Peterkin, Rafe was set free. This of course made both Sarah and I uncomfortable as hell, but in a house as ginormous as Tannyhill, it isn't hard to avoid him.

As I am reading a book, something I haven't done in months, Rose calls my name. "Stella! Someone's at the door for you!" I jump up from my bed and scurry down the hallway as fast as my feet can carry me without running. When I open the door, it's exactly who I'd hoped.

"Hey," JJ greets me softly.

"Oh my God." I close the door behind me and run to him, wrapping my arms around his neck. "You have no idea how happy I am to see you." Unlike normal, I don't feel JJ's arms wrap around me in return, so I pull away. "Is everything okay?"

JJ avoids my eye contact. "Yeah, everything's fine." He pauses for what feels like forever. "Um, no actually, I lied. Can we talk?"

I step away from him. "Uh, yeah. What's up?" My anxiety is going crazy, making my heart beat fast and my palms sweat.

"I... I..." JJ begins.

"You?"

"I don't think we should talk anymore."

I feel taken aback, betrayed, hurt. It's the most emotion I've felt lately. "W-what?" I stutter in disbelief.

"Stella, please don't make this harder than it has to be." He sticks his hands in his pockets and sighs, still not daring to meet my burning gaze.

"JJ... don't do this," I squeak. I try to reach for his hand, but he pulls away. My heart sinks.

"I can't do this anymore, okay? What more do you want from me?"

I force back the tears stubbornly. "I want you to treat me like an actual fucking human being and tell me what the hell is going on," I demand.

"You won't understand," he mutters.

"How do you know that when I don't even know what it is? Just tell me and we can work this out together!" I say, raising my voice in frustration. I place my hands on his cheeks and stare into his blue eyes, but he never once looks at me. That's when the waterworks begin. "Please," I croak, feeling my lip tremble.

JJ says nothing. I remove my hands and back away from him, shaking my head and choking back a sob. I can't let him see me cry. Not after this. I turn tail and run back into the house, slamming the front door behind me. I seek refuge in my room, pressing my back against the door and sliding down. I feel the tears overflow and spill down my cheeks.

Nothing could have prepared me for this kind of heartbreak. I know I was warned. I should have known he would break my heart, but I was naive. I know that now.

The rest of the day was spent in the comfort of my bed, cocooned in my sheets. I couldn't even bring myself to do anything other than cry, sleep, and then cry again. My eyes feel crusted over from the tears constantly falling and then drying there.

I feel more grief over someone I wasn't even in an actual relationship with than I do over my own father's death. Now, I just feel broken and more alone than I have ever felt before.

——

Rose didn't question my puffy eyes and stuffy nose when she woke me up the next morning. She probably assumed that I was crying over Dad, but that couldn't be further from the truth.

My step-mother gathered all of us in the sun room to finally watch the video on the flash drive he left us. I took a seat on one side of Rose and Sarah and Wheezie sat on the other. Rafe paced back and forth behind us as Rose plugged the flash drive into the computer and pressed play. It's hard seeing my father's face again, not because I feel sad, but because I feel resentment.

"A great man once said that if you're born poor, that's not your fault, but if you die poor, well, that's on you. I think, in the end, it was my fear of going back, of losing everything I have that made me lose sight of everything I am... everything I wanted to be." Get a load of this guy. Such bullshit. "I killed big John Routledge. I murdered Sheriff Peterkin. I shot Gavin Barnstead. I know there's nothing I can do to ease the pain I've caused. Many will say that I took the easy way out, but I leave this world with the terrible pain of knowing that I leave behind my family, shattered by grief, broken by my sins." Yeah, you can say that again. "I don't expect you to forgive me for leaving you this way. I just pray you understand that... I can't go on ruining your lives anymore. This had to end. To all of you, I leave my estate, uh, to be divided equally and I leave a love deeper than I could ever express. Take care of each other. One last thing..."

I stand up out of the chair and begin to walk away, not caring to hear what else he has to say, when I hear my name. It sends shivers down my spine.

"Stella, honey. There is something that I have been hiding from everyone, and it gives me no pleasure to admit this, but you deserve to know the truth." I stop in my tracks and turn back around, pulling out the chair and taking a seat once more. "Sixteen years ago, I had an affair. Six months after it began, the, uh, the woman I was seeing informed me that she was pregnant... with my child. Nine months later, you came into this world Stella. And I regret to inform you that because of prior health conditions, your biological mother did not survive the birth. My ex-wife, the woman that raised you and your siblings was generous enough to take you in as her own, despite knowing about my infidelity. I have hated myself every day for sixteen years for cheating and I found myself blaming you for it. You did not deserve the way I have treated you, baby. It is solely my fault and I am at peace with that now. You served as a constant reminder of the biggest mistake of my life, but I am also grateful because that mistake gave me you; a beautiful daughter that any father would be proud of. I hope that in time you will forgive me for keeping this secret from you all for so long, but now I will rest contently knowing that the biggest weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I love you all and..."

His voice trails off as the blood pounds in my ears. I feel my family's eyes staring at me like I'm a stranger to them. I don't even know who I am anymore.

I never thought there would ever be a day where I would turn to alcohol to drown my sorrows, but today is that day. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I just want all of my thoughts to stop swimming around in my head relentlessly. If alcohol is going to do that then it will become my new best friend.

The last thing I remember is downing a whole bottle of my dad's whiskey and taking a bottle of vodka to go. I was walking down the streets of Figure Eight with no plan or direction, when things started to get fuzzy and the next thing I know, everything goes black.

——
I'M SORRY GUYS!!!
*not really tho. this had to happen*