Sophomore soliloquies

Part: 4 Lost

9/25/2023
The bridge

Should I search for my soulmate,
Or stay in the present
Will it come in the present if I forget to stop and look.
Hoping around
Crossing bridges
In a fire
Should I stand on
It instead
Of
Running to cross?
At a loss
For explanation
As my friend questions
My intentions
At a cost
For my
Soul for my
Wants
Due to
Old traditions,
Tossed away
By society
So I play,

Should I play by their rules
Even if
I am to
lose
Without
Taking that
pause,

Am I depriving
Myself
A chance of..

Am I
Running from
True love
—————————————————————————
Masked call

Why do I hide behind my armer
Hide behind the mask
Every time I come back
subjected to an arduous task
Dive into the subtext of groans and yells and
Silence
Entities Together they own through perfection. Detention. Rebellion.
Survival of the fittest
You can't survive at all
When it's hellbent on the pride of
me
an epiphany
Your own description
Take the prescription of your
fulfillments
Waiting for an angel call
Never good enough
Never good enough at all
Expectations are my
falter
A limbo bar
I'm stuck above
Never under
Bound by gravity
Every time I call.
I fall for the act and the character they play
Then I fall into the trap
In a circus
Survival of the fittest
Every minute
Of every day
—————————————————————————
Lost

A wagon with a broken wheel
A poem I wrote and lost
Without heal.
A song of unwritten streaming down my face
Waiting to find something forever it may hide
In the pages on the leaves of the old double tree
A secret journal of poems lost to the sea
Mybe it's next to the washing machine?
Forever worried forever feel
the burden of losing a poem that was, the wagon with the broken wheel.
My magnum opus
My prize
My favorite poem I lived inside
Guess that's why tragedy had to strike.
My wobbling legs had failed me.
I'd won the trial I tried.

Yet why was I still broken
creeped out and tied to die.
Sent on a journey with no happy end.
I cried in that bathroom in the Netherlands

Mascara covered my hands.

About to deal with oncoming haters
A chorus of their taunting band.
Looking at my past now
There are moments I could never feel,
The golden metal felt like worthless steel
lost
I stood there smiling atop the podium
Un-healed
a wagon with a broken wheel.
—————————————————————————
Looking

I'm looking for old poems
I come across my last
A screaming hurting child
In a world she's an outcast
Crying in a corner
being shunned by all
I still contemplate how so many people could do that to a child
And how none
could take the fault
I had to close the notes
Take a breath, try not to sob.
Never will I get the recognition
Never will I receive the love
I wish I'd got
When an abused child screamed out in pain
no adult would stop
It scares me to this day
Terrified
that this is the world I live in
That everyone saw and stayed
quiet to help
Every word on deaf ears

I did everything right yet I was the one to seep
Lower and lower staining my soul
And now I'm a new person
I thought it wouldn't effect me at all
Eerily
every month or so,
My eyes just become teary
I sit there in my body
I can't feel a thing
I numb all my emotions
I black out my feelings
I sit there like a husk a void
And ponder nothing much.

Struck,
lightning leaves you burning
Falling your concussed
They all leave you confused
Empty
And forgetting your lost loves
—————————————————————————

MI Ankle and hips

How do I know it will all be ok
I don't
Is it worth it
I don't know
The toll is physical
Mental
And more
What am I worth in pieces and storms
Will I be forever deformed
Looking for some peace
Aching day in and day out
Every moment
Every week
That I stay
The glowing static haunts me
Encasing all to not
The void is all consuming
I'm Twisting into knots
The broken trophy ground
The podium is empty
The audience makes no sound
A madness to my memories
That hope the watchers hearts
Pound
Inside the darkness
inside the wreck
Under the mask
Called the meds
Here I stay
Lay
Decay
A
Never ending cycle
Calling it all quits
knowing never how it shifts
Level headed thoughts are gone
Eleven broken pieces

Hidden
In this tone deaf song
Pained in its existence
Severed limbs and burning scars

My past forever haunting me
In painful sharp alarms
—————————————