Time for you
11/26/2023 6:21pm
Is it an opportunity to see me
Is is this just a game to you
Will you honor my advanced simplicity
Or am I a cut after the bruise
for which you only need a bandaid to cover.
Will I last as long as a fuse
If we quickly fade like the sun of the day
Do you care of the potential we'll lose?
Are you vying for my attention
Will you go out of your way for me
Will you respect my decisions
Or is it all just for tea
To sip piping hot on your old worn down couches
Will you play the piano for me
Or for drunks at the houses
Please tell me if I'm being delusional
Tell me if I'm number 2.
Tell me if this is nothing.
If I mean nothing
But a game to you.
I'm all for being in the moment
Though that's something hard for me to do.
If you can make me feel the moment
I'll make more than enough time.
The rest is all on
You.
————————————————————
12/4/3:43pm 2023
Red book
My life a pulsating bloody book I pat it down in cloths
The Muscles aching as I look
I calm them down in sighs
Blind
And as I read
Filled with pain by looking at my lies
Blotches of ink stain every line
The words scream out
Save me
Pages flip, with howling barks
The pierced veins
Let out like rocks
Carved into
Wrenches worn
Rusted ties rot on both sides
The living text of memories
Thorny Seas of small antiques
Static
In the end it dies
Exhaling
pollinating
dusty shelves in hives
In this endless cutting sandalwood
Does it question itself why?
Nibbling at the answers.
Scribbles
Ripped out scars and bleeding
cages
Living writers deadly stages
Grieving
on those
beating
pages
————————————————————————
12/5/12:25am
Dream life
IS this where I dreamed I would be
Years ago there was no one for me
Dry walls and a white collard T.
Perfect poses and dis harmony.
Back then in my small crouched down pose below my clothing hangers. Inside the closet walls.
Crying on and on about phone calls. Never knowing when it would end.
So now I'm here. This is the dream. It came slower and yet quicker than it seemed. Stronger now. Larger now. Sobbing now. That I have time to stop.
I have time to think.
I have time to remember. No matter what I do to block it off my body aches I feel my scars stretching.
My stomach turns I'm waiting.
For something else the mundane life is nothing like the times I've had. Every day survival.
Every stray a rival
Now every days the same.
Everyday I was higher. I was screaming. They were yelling my name.
In good faith. In disgrace. Doesn't matter what I faced I knew. That every moment I grew. Now I have no idea what I'm supposed to
Do.
This is what I dreamed of.
This. This is the life.
A college town. Some friends somehow like me for how I am.
A big White House with bugs.
All the food I could dream of.
No restrictions
No inflictions
Guilting me for love.
What I did for love.
Gravity of love.
And yet I stray.
Cause this is what I dreamed of.
A moment to just to breathe. So why am I breathlessly writing this poem remembering darker and earlier days.
It was hell on earth.
It fed my ego.
I sold my own self worth
Hardest working person.
There's no award for showing up your best.
But there is suffering. And there's still regret. For everything you did
And everything you didn't do
I stand by what I created.
A crayon broken into two it withers down to the brim. Nothing left
Wax within
Kin to the champion high above.
Down on earths what I dreamed of.
This is the life I wished for. Every night crying at the door. On the floor. Locked inside.
Betrayed by my own mind.
Zipped up mouth.
Fed up inside.
A mindless beast that tried to abide.
Behind the smile and grit and drive.
I'd hide
So why am I lethargic. Longing for something more.
When I'm living the dream
I lost the one thing.
I was solely surviving for.
But the world never ended.
though days start to blur.
No my life never ended.
Though I'm sure some wish it were.
They say the old me died. They claim that I'm not her. Trust me. I'm living the dream life
The old me
Died for.
—————————————
12/6/2023 3:30
Across the room
What are you writing.
Underground spot lights
Fluorescent buzzing
Muffled talking
Teaching
Leaving
Same every day
What are you writing
what do you want to say
Is there solace in the bottom floor
this schools nights vs days.
Practice for the innocence
Enlighten for the cup
Faltering on pick up lines.
Writing out your luck.
Pulling words out from your body
I see you hide them as I look up.
What are you writing
Across the room
Swing on my backpack
I leave
And you get up.
—————————————————————————
12/6/2023 9:00pm
Wondering.
What is that unknown line. A gage that
Tightened's around your insides like a lasso. It suffocates you with confusion, with excitement, with curiosity. That's when it.
Snaps.
Then it's gone
Leaving a mark a lack of blood flow
Like a hair tie cut from your wrist
After holding you for years. That mark of wonder, looking, never goes away.
Details come alive, shadows come out to play, on a stage, of fantasy. Fiction.
That's just it. Once you find magic in the world you blink. Then you miss it. Put on the glasses, The world dulls from a glisten. Spend your life buying flashlights searching on.
Detective work
connect the dots.
It'll be ok the world spins on, but you live your days wondering
Curiously,
Were the magics gone?
YOU ARE READING
Sophomore soliloquies
PoetryIf you've ever felt burdened by being a sophomore in college your not alone. I'm writing these and posting them as I go along. So we can feel less alone together, in a complicated world, within a song. Please feel free to comment, critique, or ask...
