Foolish one

Chapter 4

I took the bus home from practice. Some of the other players showered there, Alexia and Ottilia included. I hated showering with people, I avoided it as much as I could. During last season I started on the bench in most A-team matches and somehow always got out of showering after. They had this rule that you needed to shower after the games, if you didn't you still had to stay and wait for everyone. My sister complained every time that I never showered there, but she never pushed. She knew how uncomfortable I felt around other people when I wasn't wearing enough clothes. I loved her for that, how she never made me do things she knew I hated. I assumed there would be differences this season, with me having to shower more. Especially with away-games and having a place in the A-team. Our captain would surely have a talk with me, and I dreaded that day.

People looked at me on the bus back home. No one sat next to me, even though it was a full bus. That probably had something to do with how bad I smelled. Luckily for me it was over soon enough, and I walked home. My sister greeted me in the door, telling me to be quiet since Sofia had just fallen asleep. We didn't say a word after that, and I made my way to the bathroom and the shower I was desperately needing. Playing football in the burning sun of Barcelona with a long sleeve was not ideal. However, it was better than the other option.

This time I only took a quick shower. I didn't wash my hair like I did yesterday and even though I washed my entire body one could only spend as much time in the shower. Afterwards I changed into something comfortable and made my way downstairs. My sister knew everything about me, and I knew she would not judge. It wasn't like I had any new marks on my arms, that was all that mattered to her. That I was okay now, not how I had been feeling in the past.

When I got down to the bottom floor Sofia was up and cooing at me. I was her favourite aunt. Her only aunt but nonetheless her favourite. "Hola pequeñita!" I said with a baby voice as I lifted her up into my arms. We sat down on the couch and started an intense game of peek-a-boo. Her laugh could brighten up any room, and I felt content sitting there with her. "How was practice?" my sister asked as she sat down next to me with two plates in her hands. "It was great as usual. They have a higher tempo and better quality in everything they do compared to the B-team. It makes it a bit difficult to keep up, but I feel like it is a challenge that I can take on. I need to take it on to improve as a player." I answered her honestly. My voice was still high from talking to Sofia, and I could see her smiling at every word. Even though she didn't know what they meant. "That's so great Li, and how are the team? Are they treating you right?" Daniela asked in typical older sister fashion. She worried a lot about me, and with good reason. "They are all very nice, don't worry Ella." I responded to her question, and I could see her lighting up. I was almost like a daughter to her. I mean the 13-year age difference made her feel like something in between a mother and a sister. She could never replace mom and she knew that. But she still made an effort to take care of me as her own. "I do worry Li, and you know why." Daniela continued. "I know." I answered with a smile and dug into my food.

We ate in silence. Well, if you count the constant sound from the TV as quiet than that is what it was. Sofia watched some old children's programs that was mostly little mice running around a garden. After I was done with my lunch, I gave Sofia hers. Or she ate her lunch earlier and now it was more of a snack. A homemade smoothie pouch and some avocado. Daniela was really into making all the baby food herself, saying it was healthier that way. I agreed with her. I looked at the ingredients on a storebought one and it had so many more. Most of them were flavourings and other strange substances. I couldn't complain about her feeding Sofia that, I loved the smoothies myself. Even though I added spinach and an egg to my own for them to be more filling. It was basically the same thing, just customized to who would be drinking it.

The rest of the day was quickly spent. I attended my math class at the university after lunch and spent three hours doing difficult math. I was working on getting a degree in mathematics and maybe becoming a professor in the future. It took a lot of time and I mostly studied on my own. Only attending lectures when I was free from football. I had loved mathematics when I was younger, and I still did. It was harder now, but I could implement it in my own life at a higher level. I sound like a nerd, but I really did love math. 

In school I didn't really know anyone. They all had friends who attended classes and a lot of them lived on campus. I didn't mind not having friends in school. I wasn't there to make friends. I was there to get my degree and that was easier without friends. But I still felt like I was missing out on the fun experiences they all had. At least I had football, and Ona, even though we didn't play for the same team anymore. I still spent every free moment I had talking to her.

Me
how's training been with madrid?

Ona
it's been great. how's it been for you?

Ona
i know how hard it was the past seasons

Me
it's going great. i feel like it's better now that I'm part of their team

Ona
i feel the same

Me
so proud of you Ons

Ona
even prouder of you isa

Me
i love you

I got home tired from the day. There were so many new things happening. So many new people, especially in my team. I hated it and loved it at the same time. Things would be so much easier if Ona could have made her debut that day. If she had stayed here. I get why she left, she didn't get any time with the A-team, and she needed a new challenge. She is an amazing player, and she deserved the whole world. I would give her the whole world if I could. She was my whole world.

It was my turn to cook dinner tonight. I decided on an easy dinner consisting of marinated tofu, noodles and some salad. The dinner was easy and still it took me an hour from start to finish, not counting cleanup since the two who didn't cook took care of that. It was a routine that fit all of us. The one who cooked was excused from taking care of Sofia and so was the one who cleaned up. I preferred taking care of Sofia. She was an easy baby, falling asleep in seconds and never complaining when I was the one who put her down.

After dinner when everything was cleaned, and Marcus was putting Sofia to bed I sat down on the couch and started scrolling through Netflix for something to watch. I ended up putting on Friends which Dan and I had been rewatching. A minute or so later she joined me. We sat there in silence, I had my head in her lap and she ran her fingers through my hair. It was relaxing for the both of us, a reminder of how everything was before Sofia. When it was just the two of us. Sofia was amazing and I loved that little one-year old with everything in me. But it was a big change for everyone. A change for the better, but we still missed the little things in our previous lives. Like staying up late, waking up late and not having to listen to baby cries. After two episodes I was the only one awake. I turned the TV off, put a blanket over my sleeping sister, brushed my teeth, and then went to bed.

As always, I woke up in the middle of the night, dripping from sweat and panicking from my dreams. Daniela was by side, guiding my breathing and making sure I wasn't panicking anymore. She knew who the dreams was about and never questioned them. The rest of the night she spent here, as usual. I hated that I had them and I hated that I ruined the nights for everyone else. Dan never complained about it, she just slept here the rest of the night. Keeping me calm and keeping the bad dreams away. In the morning she was always there, asking me to talk about them. And I always did, for her. They were always the same, my mother disappearing in different ways and me never being able to do anything. Much like it was when she passed away. I wasn't there.

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How are you feeling today?

Have you ever played football and for how long?
Maybe you still play?
Tell me!!
I played for eight years and quit three years ago. 

Pressing that little star means a lot to me and is a simple way of supporting my work!!

Love from me<3

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