Foolish one

Chapter 52

Alexia followed me to my appointment at the hospital. In her hand she held her phone and on her back she had a bag with her training kit in. She had training right after my appointment while I had a meeting with the club's therapist. After that I would be seeing the physical therapists and the medical team. I would probably also see our coach and have a small talk with him about everything.

It would be a long day, considering that I was still in a lot of pain along with a swollen knee. We walked together inside the hospital. I let her follow me while I tried to remember the instructions I had gotten from the medics at the club. After almost half an hour of walking around we found the place and signed in. Just a few minutes later a doctor was there to see me. He did a quick exam, confirming that it was an ACL-injury. Not like I didn't know that before. After that he ordered an MRI, and I was forced to spend almost an hour inside that confined small space. To make sure I didn't panic I counted inside my head. I counted every second that passed adding up to a total of 2700 seconds, which was less than expected.

Slowly, I was moved outside of it. Afterwards, it was time for me to go back to the room I had been examined in and to change back into my regular clothes. Alexia and I waited for some time, playing a game on her phone while doing so. "The MRI showed what we have been expecting. A complete tear of the Anterior cruciate ligament, but the good thing is that the other soft tissue in your knee looks good. However, surgery will be required to fix it" he informed. I didn't like being injured. I hated being injured. "How long will my recovery be?" I asked him worriedly. "It might take you between six months and a year until you can be back on the football pitch. I can't say exactly how long it will take you because how well your knee heals after surgery and how physical therapy feels will say. I will schedule a surgery in about three weeks, and I will send exercises to the physical therapists at your club" he said before leaving the room. Soon a nurse entered and showed us out.

"It will fine" Alexia said as we both sat down in her car. "It will be fine Isa" she continued while moving her body towards mine, hugging me over the console that separated us. "What if I am not able to return?" I asked her desperately. "Just focus on recovery and if you never get to the point of return, we will focus on it then. I will be with you every step of the way" she told me. Her voice was sincere. "Would you want to be with me even if I didn't play football?" I asked her with worry in my voice. "No that is the only part I like about you" she joked, and the smile disappeared from my face.

Was she seriously only with me because I played football? That didn't feel good. "I am not with you because of how good you are at football, nor am I with you because you are an incredible smart woman. I am with you because I love the way you laugh, the way you smile, and your eyes. And the way you hug me, the way everything feels alright with you next to me. I love you for who you are" she assured me. It was a joke. Of course, it was a joke. "You had me worried there" I smiled before kissing her.

She drove us to the training grounds, leaving me at the car to run into the changing room. Her training started in ten minutes, she needed to change and that would take longer than ten minutes. I was not jealous of her, but I was jealous that she was on the first floor, and I was on the third. It took me some time, but I made it to the office of the sports psychologist.

The two of us talked for an hour about everything going on. It felt great to get it off my chest, and she had some helpful exercises and tips for me to handle everything. She made sure to tell me that we could talk as often as I liked, and I was happy about that. Now all that was left to do was to talk to Alexia about this.

Together we walked down the stairs and into the room with the physios and medical team. Here I was forced to spend a lot of time, talking with them about my injury and setting up a plan. When that was done, I had a quick meeting with our coach before I was allowed to go back home. During all this my knee was iced roughly once every hour for twenty minutes. It was exhausting.

I talked a little with my teammates while I waited for Alexia to be done in the shower. We discussed the new series I had started to watch with Alexia. Some cop show that I found disgusting and Alexia found enjoyable. "It is fun to watch it, you have to agree with that" Alexia said as she hugged me from behind. She was still wet from her shower, and I complained loudly about that. "The only fun thing is to watch it with you" I said, while turning around. I pulled her close to my chest and hugged her tightly. "You should be less domestic" Mapí complained from the other side of the room.

"Just because you don't have a girlfriend" Alexia retorted with a smirk on her face before kissing me slowly, making a big deal about that fact. I kissed her back, careful not to let my lips linger on hers.

She drove us home soon after that, before helping me shower. It took some time, and while I was changing into something more comfortable, she started with dinner. I did not help with anything. Instead, I sat on the counter, watching her every move, stealing kisses and small touches whenever possible. "I know you have probably talked to so many people about what you are feeling, but I would love to hear it" Alexia said with a smile. "How about we do it after dinner?" I proposed to her. I knew she deserved to know, but it didn't make it any easier to tell her that I had been struggling.

"I love you so much" Alexia said. She stood in between my legs as I was sat on the counter. The space between us got less as I pulled her in for a hug. Kissing her while doing so. She moved her hands and held me up as I wrapped my legs around her body. A big smile was dancing on my lips, and so did one on hers. It felt like we belonged together. "I love you more" I let out, barely speaking above a whisper. "Not possible" Alexia whispered back before kissing me passionately.

I dreaded when dinner would be over while Alexia looked forward to it. With that said I ate as slow as I could while she did the opposite. As she washed the dishes, with me sitting on the counter beside her, drying them of, I felt myself getting more scared about telling her. What if she hated me for what I was about to tell her? "No matter what you feel I will still love you" she said, having seen my worried face. If it feels better, you can write it down and I can read it" she offered. I wanted to do that, and so I did.

Alexia

I really don't know how to start this letter, maybe it isn't supposed to be one, but anyways. I think I prefer this option to be honest. Writing down my feelings have always been easier than to speak about them, I don't know why to be honest.

Being injured sucks and I know how much time I have in front of me, compared to the time that has already passed, and I fear that. I fear that you won't stay with me and calm me down whenever my thoughts are too many. I fear that I won't be able to fall asleep in your warm embrace. The rational part of my brain knows that you would never leave me like that, but the other part of me just thinks about the worst possible scenario.

I hate that I will not be able to train with the team for so long. I am scared about the surgery that I will have to get, scared that I will not wake up after it. It feels wrong to tell you all this, I don't want you to have to worry about me. I know that you would rather have me tell you all this stuff and I love you for that.

Being injured has made me feel bad. It feels empty inside of me, like something is missing. A hole that can only be filled by football. When my mom passed away football was the thing that distracted me from everything I was feeling. Football helped me feel better mentally and get over my self-harm. What I am trying to tell you is that I am afraid that everything will feel worse now that I can't play, that I won't be able to stay clean without things distracting me, without the things that make me feel happy. I hate to admit this because I feel weak. I know you would never see me that way, but I see myself like that.

I think that I will need some time to accept everything before I can talk about this. I need to process my feelings, but I would want you by my side for it.

I love you, Alexia, and I really want you by my side through all of this!

I sat on the couch as Alexia read my letter. With tears in her eyes, she returned to my side. "I will be here for you when you are ready to talk about, and I love you more than you could ever imagine" she said while hugging me tightly. "I think I have a pretty good idea" I whispered to her, tears streaming down my face. 

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Did check up on my foot once again. Have to go for an emergency x-ray tomorrow which is shit to be honest, but might miss a class which is fun.

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