Foolish one

Chapter 5

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"You should really see someone about the dreams Elisa. Not only that but I think everything would improve." Daniela said as soon as I woke up. What a great way to start the day. "I know, but you also know why I won't do that. I don't have the time, and I hate talking with some stranger about my problems." I complained. "Sometimes you need to do things you hate to feel better." she continued, and I could feel myself getting irritated. "I won't budge on this Dan, please just understand that." I practically begged her. "Think about how much better it felt after mom died, you loved talking to someone who understood what you were going through." Daniela continued. She did it out of love and made a great point. "Could you maybe book a time for me then? You have my schedule and are way better at talking to people than me." I asked her. "Of course." she answered and pulled me in for a hug. We were quickly interrupted by Sofia who was complaining over something, probably hunger of lack of attention. "I'll take her, and you'll breakfast for us both?" Dan asked. Instead of speaking I just nodded, and we both went on with our assignments.

As usual I made oatmeal, with blueberries and raspberries as well as peanut butter and chia seeds. A great breakfast for what I hoped would be a great day. It was my third practice, and we had a game next weekend. I would probably start on the bench, I didn't expect anything else. Today our practice started at 11 and continued for two hours before we ate lunch together and would go over some tactics before hitting the gym. It was longer than I was used to. Practice would probably take four or five hours at least. That was long in the hot Spanish sun.

Today I got lucky. Daniela had to run errands and do some grocery shopping. That meant she would drive me to practice. I had packed my bad full of the things I needed for a shower as well as a change of clothes. It would be a hot day, and I didn't have any classes I needed to attend today, so I would be going to the beach after practice. Even though that meant I would shower with everyone else.

"Hola Elisa, how are you?" was the first thing I heard when I walked into the changing room. "I'm good. It's just a bit hot out now, the heat is going to be the death of me." I complained jokingly to everyone who listened. "It wouldn't be as hot if you played without a base layer. You can't be cold in the middle of summer." Aitana pointed out. "I like playing with it." I quickly defended myself. "Then don't complain." Aitana added with a smile. I couldn't complain, I had brought this onto myself, and I needed to face the consequences of my actions.

I got dressed in silence, overthinking the entire conversation that just had happened. "We won't judge you know, everyone has something they are insecure about. You can take it off if it would be more comfortable for you. We don't want you to faint or something like that." Alexia said calmly when everyone else had left. "It's embarrassing." I answered her. Because to me it was. It was so embarrassing that I couldn't handle life. "It's not Elisa, I promise." Alexia continued. "Don't worry about me." I said before walking out. My tone was sharper than I thought it would be and I could see Alexia taking a step back.

Practice was worse than I could ever imagine. Every single break was spent with me pouring water over my head to try and keep me cool enough. It didn't work and I could feel myself getting dizzier by the second. We were playing a simple 5-a-side tournament and during the second game I was feeling worse than before. My vision was blurry and after a sprint I collapsed. I just laid down on the ground.

"Elisa, are you okay?" Aitana asked me. She was the first one who got to me and soon enough we were crowded by the rest of the team and the medics. "I'm fine, really. It just got a little hot." I answered before being pushed down softly by her. "You should lay down and take of the undershirt." one of the medics said. "Can I keep it on, please?" I asked them. "You are overheated and keeping that on won't make it better. You also have to sit the rest of practice out." the other medic said and handed me a bottle of water. "Okay." I answered while standing up. "If I sit out practice can I keep the shirt on?" I asked the two medics. "You should take it off, we don't want you to get a heatstroke." they answered. The three of us walked over to the edge of the field and sat down on a bench. Reluctantly I removed my training kit and my undershirt. After that I put on my training kit again and crossed my arms.

I hated not wearing a long sleeve. When my mom passed away, I developed unhealthy habits to cope with the loss from her and the constant panic attacks and anxiety. Not that anything got better from that. My sister forced me to see a therapist when she found out and together we worked on me quitting. We found other things that I could do instead and exercises that helped my panic attacks and anxiety. Quitting is hard. When you start doing it you never think about the long-term consequences. I was better now, I still did it sometimes, but not as much. The anxiety was there, but my tablets helped keep it under control. The panic attacks were fewer and often less intense. But the nightmares never disappeared.

I watched the rest of the games in silence, slowly sipping on my water. I hated having my arms on display. "How are you feeling now?" the medic asked me. "Better, no dizziness at all." I responded truthfully. "That's great. You can join in with the others in the afternoon. Just take it easy to not overexert yourself." he continued, and I smiled at him. "Great" I answered and went back to watching their cooldown. Everyone looked like they were having fun. Not bothered by the heat nor the heavy training pass we had. "Are you feeling okay Elisa? We were all so worried when you just laid down." Alexia asked. "I'm feeling better now, it was just the heat getting to me." I answered her. "You should play without that base-layer, just wear it in the winter and then that's it." Alexia told me, her worried voice shining through. "I just hate having my arms out." I said as I showed her them. "As I already told you 'We do not judge you' Elisa. I hope you know that." Alexia told me. I could only nod, if I spoke, I was scared that I would burst out into tears. I gave her a hug, her arms wrapped around my body, and I felt safe. Her heart was beating against my head, and I could only hope that she would want to be my friend after everything.

Together we walked into the canteen and grabbed our food. We were one of the first ones inside and soon our table was filled with other people. Both Aitana, Mapí and Ottilia was quick to sit down. No one of the commented on my scars, instead Ottilia lightly squeezed my hand. Her eyes met mine when I looked up and I could see that she understood. I had no idea how I knew in that moment, but I knew she was familiar to my feelings.

Lunch was spent chatting with each other. Aitana told us all about her new apartment and how she had moved away from home during the summer. We had played a lot together during previous seasons. I remember when she was promoted to the A-team a year before me and how we all celebrated. It was a happy moment for all of us. Ottilia also talked about her apartment here and how her cats were adjusting. She showed us millions of pictures and I had to admit they were cute. I was more of a dog-person, but not the kind of dog-person who hated on cats. Because they were still very cute and cuddly.

When that subject came on, we all spent the rest of lunch talking about which pets we wanted. Alexia wanted a Pomeranian, Mapí wanted cats and I wanted a dachshund. Pretty normal conversation until we started arguing about if dogs were better than cats or not. It got heated quickly and had to be dissolved by Marta.

Our tactical meeting was uneventful, at least I learned new things and I went into the gym hopeful. I was allowed to do all the exercises with monitoring from a physical therapist. They wanted me to keep a low temperature and not almost pass out again. I could agree with what they said. 

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How are we feeling five chapters into the story?
Do you have anything you want to happen?

Today my question is, cats or dogs?

If you ever need someone to talk about what you're going through I'm always here. Send me a message and we can talk. I've been through it myself and at the moment everything is good. My panic attacks are way less frequent and most of the time not as bad as before. Just send me a DM if you ever need someone to talk to. <3

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