Foolish one

Chapter 21

I woke up on top of Alexia. Her arms were tightly wrapped around my body and my face was nuzzled into the crook of her neck. The slow rise and fall of her chest signalled that she was still asleep. I relaxed into her body, almost falling asleep again. That was until the loud ring of my alarm woke us all up. Alexia mumbled something that was impossible for me to hear and brought me down closer to her body. "We need to get up Ale" I whispered into her ear. "Five more minutes" she whispered back and held me even closer than before. "I am not going to get out of your embrace, right?" I said jokingly. "You are not" Alexia said back laughing. And that was how we laid, for five more minutes until my alarm rang again.

This time Alexia released me and allowed me to get out of bed. I quickly changed into the kit I had gotten a while ago. After doing that in the bathroom I opened the door and started doing my make-up with Aitana watching. Alexia had left our room as soon as I got up.

Aitana and I walked down to breakfast together. I grabbed a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of coffee before sitting down with Aitana. Soon after Patri joined us, along with some of the other players. We all talked, I could feel Aitana doing her best to include me. And I tried to not close myself off, instead I tried to put myself out there and talk to everyone. It was difficult, but I managed, and I got to know the others a bit better.

After breakfast we made our way to the pitch. I put on my cleats, and then my focus shifted to football. It was like everything else disappeared. It was me, the football at my feet and my teammates. The self-doubt was there, just as it usually was. But the praise and cheering from my teammates helped make it less noticeable and it made most of it disappear. 

It helped that I played well during that practice. After the practice we had a quick lunch before starting our second training of the day. It was a gym session. The music was high, everyone was laughing and singing along while still doing our workout.

The summer heat forced me to wear a t-shirt. It was still only my teammates who knew about everything. I played every game with a shirt under, made sure that every photo that got published of me had no signs of the scars. Alexia glared at everyone who looked at my scars, it was like having my own personal pit-bull. I was thankful for that. 

 "Can I shower first?" I asked Aitana as soon as we got back to our room. She said that I could, and it filled me with happiness. I hated sitting on my bed in my workout clothes, it felt dirty, and I felt like I made the bed dirty. It is the same as having to wear gloves on the bus, because if I don't I get a panic attack.

The shower soothed my aching muscles and brought relief to my spinning mind. I changed into a pair of shorts and into a long sleeve shirt and left the bathroom to let Aitana take her shower. Outside of the bathroom I did my make-up and hair once again while talking to Ona on facetime. She was so happy that I had gotten to go to my first camp. I on the other hand couldn't wait for her to be here with me. She deserved it. Ona is an amazing player, who has had a great season in Madrid.

Aitana came out after half an hour. She also said hello to Ona, they knew each other back at Barcelona and were friends. We all talked until it was time for dinner. Aitana and I made our way down the stairs and into the dining room. Alexia had saved me a seat, while Aitana sat with her other friends. I was happy for the support.

During dinner Jorge came up to me and asked if II could talk to him after dinner. I had to agree right? He was my coach, and I wanted that spot on the team. So, I agreed to see him after dinner.

As I made my way to the small meeting room he was using as an office during this camp I started to get nervous. What did he want me? I was a nineteen-year-old girl, being at my first camp.

"I just wanted to tell you that I see what a great player you are. We have a game at the end of the camp, and I want you to start that game" he said with a smile. Why would I be starting? He had seen me practice once, that was not enough to form an opinion on how good I was as a player. Why would I start for the national team when I barely got to start for my club team? This was not how it was supposed to be. Something was clearly wrong.

The vibes I got from that man was off. Men in power scared me, because I knew what they could do. It was like the man on the bus when I was on my way home from school at sixteen who told me I would look prettier if I smiled more. He knew that he was bigger and stronger than me, and that no one would bat an eye if I complained. I hated that women were always looked down at, seen as less worth. And I hated that men thought they could do whatever they wanted to me.

But I could do nothing more than to smile and nod, saying that it would be an honour for me to start. It was an honour, but I felt like I wasn't worth it.

I walked out with thoughts filling my head. I hurried back into the dining room where everyone was still sitting. Earning a lot of stares from everyone I made my way to Alexia and pulled her up with me. She asked why I was grabbing her so quickly and I could not answer her, because if I did, I would burst out in tears.

"What is going on Isa? You go to talk to Jorge and return almost crying" she asked when I opened the door to my room. When I answered and told her about what Jorge had said I felt tears falling down my cheeks. I explained why I thought it was wrong, and she agreed with me. Saying that Jorge was quite strange, and he never did anything without an afterthought. That did not calm me down at all. Instead, I felt myself panicking more and more. What if he expected something from me? He gave me an opportunity to start.

I felt my breathing getting shallow, and my heart beating faster. Alexia was right next to me in a second, holding me tight and stroking my back softly. She talked about anything that came to her mind, distracting me from the feelings of panic that filled me. After a while the panic attack was over before it even started. 

"You and I we can make a deal, okay?" Alexia said after I had calmed down enough to be able to listen. The words I wanted to say could not find their way out of my mouth, instead I nodded at her. Without words I told her to continue. "You go out and do your best on that field, and if he ever says something strange, or expects something in return for that you come to me, and we will talk about it" she continued. This time a small "yes" slipped out of my mouth.

It felt strange that someone took my side, it was not how it was supposed to be. Alexia was supposed to tell me that I overreacted, and that he probably did not mean anything by it. That was how the world worked, blaming the victims instead of confronting the offenders. 

After our talk both Mapí and Aitana came into the room. Alexia told them everything that Jorge had said, and they agreed that he was a strange man. Aitana had not made her debut, she was not even subbed in last camp. That I was starting was unbelievable.

That night Aitana and I shared a bed, keeping the nightmares away and comforting each other. Even though it was April, and the room was hot, we both enjoyed our comfortable embrace. The other bed in our room was for the night the place where Alexia and Mapí slept. Neither of them wanted to leave me here, and we talked a lot about encounters with men that we would rather forget. 

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A man really did say that I would look better if I smiled when I was on the bus. This was all after his dog had jumped up in my knee, like a big rotweiler. How could he think that is a compliment? And how is that an okay thing to say to someone? Because the bus was almost full of people, and no one reacted. 

Today I also wanted to tell you that the issues I have been having with my foot was a small fracture, matching the one of Magdalena Eriksson.

Have you ever broken something before?

I broke my leg in five places when I was younger, so that was fun.

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