Foolish one

Chapter 17

Wednesday came faster than I would have hoped. I still barely managed to get any sleep during the night, and it was affecting my performance on the pitch and in school. Still, I dreaded the therapy appointment. It was never fun letting someone in, exposing all my feelings to her was hard. But I knew I needed to do it. I always felt better afterwards, and she gave me helpful tips.

Today we had training in the afternoon. It meant that my appointment was in the earlier hours of the day. I arrived there with my heart beating loudly. I was nervous. What if she knew why I was feeling like this?

"Hello Elisa, come inside" she said after I had been waiting for a few minutes. Her voice was as sweet as always. Sometimes I wanted her to be angry at me, I felt like I deserved it. I followed behind and sat down in my usual spot.

"How have you been doing? You messaged me saying that you have been sleeping badly. Should we talk about that?" she asked. Even though I hated going to therapy I had to admit that she was amazing. She was always calm, and if I didn't want to talk about something we didn't talk about it.

"I moved out of my sister's house. I think I told you that last time we met, right? And I really like living alone, I only need to cook for one, and I don't get woken up by the baby. But something just feels wrong. Like, I can't. I can't. I just can't put my finger on what s wrong. But there is something wrong" I explained, my voice breaking more and more. Talking about my feelings was not enjoyable.

"Do you maybe miss living with someone? For a lot of people, it is difficult moving out, just because they are used to always having someone there with them" she asked.

"I do miss living with my sister. When my mom passed away, she was always there for me, calming me down when something felt wrong and celebrating the happy moments with me" I explained, suddenly realising why everything had been so hard. "Yeah, and do you think that is rooted in your dad not talking to you anymore?" She asked. "Yes" I answered before breaking down.

How could that awful man still be affecting my every day? I hated that he did that. He had no right to still be in my life. He gave that away when he stopped talking to me and continued to talk to my siblings. 

We continued to talk about why I was feeling like that, and why I hated my dad. In the end of the session, she sent in a request for some sleeping tablets, asking me to take them only when I couldn't fall asleep. I would be picking them up at a pharmacy after training.

Wait, I had training right after this. I wouldn't be home for long, at maximum half an hour. No. That meant I wouldn't have time to cover up my tearstained cheeks and swollen eyes. I would have to eat my lunch, change into my kit and if the time allowed add my makeup. This was hell, honestly.

When I got home, I warmed up the leftovers from yesterday. I ate my salmon, broccoli and rice in silence. After that I changed and had no more time, because Alexia knocked on my door. She still insisted that she would pick me up for training every day. For some reason I didn't mind. It was nice to not have to take the bus, and she was always a great company. 

"Are you okay? You look like you have been crying" Alexia said when I opened the door for her. "I'm okay Ale, I promise. And I have been crying" I confessed. For once I was actually fine. Talking with someone about my dad helped. It made me feel a lot at that time, but I got over it quicker when talking to someone. Her understanding questions and calming demeanour made it easy to cry with her. 

"Why? You can tell me, Isa" she said. How could she always sound so understanding? "I go to therapy and this time I made a lot of progress. You know, actually talking about things that I have been denying for years" I answered confidently. "I didn't know, I'm sorry" Alexia apologized. "Don't apologize Ale, please?" I begged. I hated that she apologized for something she didn't know.

It wasn't her fault. I could see her moving towards me. She didn't do what I thought she would. Instead, she pulled me in for a long hug, rubbing circles on my back and whispering calming words in my ears. I lost it at that moment, my eyes started to water again, two times in a day was way too much crying. 

After a while I collected myself enough to leave the comfortable warmth of her arms. She drove us to the training grounds. The entire time she had her hand on my knee. It was like she knew I needed her comfort, which I did.

She stayed close to me the entire practice. Only leaving my side when we were doing the different exercises. I enjoyed her company. Wait. I enjoyed her company in a way I didn't even enjoy the company of Ona. Oh, I'm falling in love. Oh no, I'm falling in love. I couldn't fall in love with her. She was my teammate, and five years older than me. Wait, that explained everything.

How I longed for her touches, and how everything she did brought a smile to my face. How I always wanted her company and how I loved everything she did. I couldn't do this.

She deserved someone better than me. She deserved someone without my past.

What should I do? Thoughts rushed through my head. I couldn't go home with her, but how come that was all I wanted to do?

When we showered, I felt her eyes on me, or on my arms. The new scars were shining like a lighthouse to her. I knew how worried she was about what was going on with me. Her eyes were filled with pity, and I hated that. I really fucking hated that.

I hurried out of the changing room, but before I could make it far enough someone grabbed my hand. "Isa" she said in that caring voice. "Talk to me" she continued desperately. "No!" I said loudly before walking away, covering my face with my hands. She was left standing there all alone.

I couldn't make it to the bus stop. Instead, I had to sit down, in a hidden corridor, because I couldn't breathe. Every breath was harder than the previous one. My heart was beating loudly, I could feel it in body. I wanted to rip it out, stop this annoying thing from ruining even more for me.

For what felt like hours I sat there alone, it was probably closer to five minutes. That was until someone slid down right next to me, pulling me into their body. "It's all going to be okay Isa. Just let it all out, it will feel better" someone said. Their voice was familiar, but not familiar enough so that I would be brought out of my panicked state.

My head rested on the persons chest, their regular heartbeat made me calm down slightly. Along with the backstrokes and calm words I was soon enough not panicking anymore. I noticed who was sitting next to me. Aitana.

"What happened Isa? You left the changing room quickly, and when Alexia returned, she looked devastated. Do you want to tell me why? I think it would help" Aitana said sweetly. She knew exactly how to get this out of me. "I've just had a bit of a rough time, and I wanted to tell her. I really did, but something just snapped inside of me. You know, I never meant for this to happen" I told her. You could hear the desperation in my voice, I hated how I had acted against Alexia.

"Don't worry about it. We can take it easy tonight, maybe you want to join me for dinner and a movie? We can talk if you want to, but we can also sit there in silence together if you would prefer that. Then tomorrow you can talk to Alexia, when she has calmed down a bit" Aitana proposed. I just nodded, hugging her tighter than before. 

That night I told her almost everything. Keeping the parts about my dad to myself. I told her about my mom, my struggles and how I was talking everything through in therapy. She just listened, nodded along and asked questions when needed. It was all I needed in that night. And when it got later Aitana put out clothes for me to sleep in. We fell asleep together on her couch. I couldn't be more grateful for having a friend like her.

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