Hands | DNF

16.

I don't know what's worse being alone or being in a crowd full off people and still feel lonely. That's what I know best, even tho I am not alone nobody truely knows me. They just see what I let them.

Also being surrounded by people can hurt you. For example, I can say i'm someone's best friend but at the end of the day, I am never theirs. I yearn for being chosen. I know that sounds dumb but to me it isn't. It's what I wish for the most to be chosen because if you're chosen that means you are good enough. Something that i am not. If I succeed in not eating a whole day I feel like I might be good enough but the second I eat I feel like I couldn't even just starve. And that is mainly what I struggle most with.
Not being good enough and fucking everything up.

Me and Clay were downstairs just watching a movie. Wilbur had come up and seen us sleeping so he decided to let us sleep and leave. He left me a message reassuring me that he left so we can sleep. And my brother was probably just out at the company or with friends. It was now around 8pm. I went out for a cigarette and just thought about everything and nothing at the same time.

I sat and finished my cigarette immediately after lighting a second, than a third, a fourth and finally a fifth. I had been out for about 25 minutes before I came inside. When I entered I noticed that Dream was no longer on the couch instead he came from the kitchen carrying 2 plates. He placed them on the dining table.

"This is your if you don't like it I can make you something else."

On  the plate was what looked like a burger with a salad on the side.   It smelled really good but thinking about how many calories were in the bun, the sauce, the cheese and even the grease in the patty was terrifying me.

I sat down opposite of Clay but not before grabbing a glass of water. He grabbed his burger and took a huge bite. While chewing he looked up at me and my plate.

I took a sip from my water and then I picked up my fork taking a bite from my salad. I chewed slowly as dream shot me every now and then a look. I got my knife and divided the burger into 2 pieces.

I grabbed one of the half's and took a small bite. It tasted heavenly but soon after my thoughts slipped through. All I was thinking about is how fat I was.

"George I wanted to talk to you about something."

I looked at him and urged him to continue as I still chewed my bite.

"I've noticed you don't really eat a lot. And I am worried about you. Since I've been here you haven't really gotten more than a few bites in and this is scaring me. I don't wanna lose you."

My eyes started watering and I just looked down at my plate.