Hands | DNF

21.

After we finished our candles, I snapped a quick photo and started cleaning up the mess we made. As I was cleaning I saw Clay go out and light a cigarette.

I finished up I joined him at the table. I just laid my head on top of my arm and watched Clay as he inhaled from his cigarette.

I felt the my eyelids getting heavier. I felt exhausted and didn't have the energy to smoke one myself. While he was inhaling he stretched his free hand and just ruffled my hair. I softly smiled and closed my eyes.

I felt myself drifting off but then was awakened by the doorbell.

I looked at him and when I saw that he was expecting me to open, I stood up and went to the door. I opened the door and saw a brunette no taller than me standing next to my brother. The cap sitting on top of his brown curly hair and the hoodie and shorts I had seen so many times.

"You look awful Gogy!"

I stood in shock. In front of me was Sapnap carrying a suitcase and my brother smiling proudly behind him.

"What the fuck?! Why are you here?"

I said while reaching to give him a hug.

"Maybe you should ask Dream and David." Said Sapnap with a smirk.

I look at my brother and then turn around to look at the blonde boy. He was no longer on the table, he was now standing right infront of me. I look between him and my brother.

"Why didn't anyone tell me? And when...how?"

"Well you know the other day when you decided to go all alcoholic on us. We talked about it and Clay immediately after bought him a ticket to come here."

At this moment it hit me Sapnap probably knew everything Dream did. I sit there for a second too long just having my world make a 180 again. This was too much. Everyone knew. Everyone knew. EVERYONE KNEW!

"Yeah haaha. Sapnap come in."

I turn around and go to the table. The shock had waken me up and now i needed that cigarette. I light it up and sit down staring at the wall. While Sapnap and Dream got to greet each other. A couple of times i almost drop the cigarette from my hands shaking badly. Then I remembered the stinging feeling in my arm.
Only Dave new about it. What was I gonna do? Why did i do that? I am so stupid. What did I do?

Clay sits in front of me grabbing my free hand that was still shaking on the table. That made me look at him. He had a soft look in his eyes like he knew. The thing is he knew partly of the reason I was so anxious. He knew I didn't handle change that well but he had no idea of how anxious it made me for him and Sapnap to find out how pathetic I was. That hours earlier I couldn't handle my fucking thoughts and emissions and just carved them out instead of dealing with them.