Hands | DNF

4.

I never experienced anything similar to opening my eyes and not knowing where I was. I started to panic not recognizing the beige walls in front of me but someone grabbed my hand and I calmed down a bit.

I averted my  gaze to see who it was. When I saw my brother's worried face it all came back to me. I looked around and noticed I was in a hospital. As I took a second look at my surroundings I noticed something crucial. I was no longer in my jeans and hoodie. I was in a hospital gown with short sleeves.

Shit shit shit. No this couldn't be happening.

Anxiety on top of panic.

I started to jitter nervously trying to get up. My arms were in the open and all of my scars were visible. My brother had seen everything. Oh my god why had I done it to myself. How can I be so stupid?

I tried to hide my arms the best I could, my brother noticed.

"George, calm down. Everything is ok. You are alright, just calm down. You had a panic attack and lost consciousness. But the medics got there on time so you're ok. You were out for a long time tho."

I couldn't find words. How was I supposed to talk to him? I couldn't, I just couldn't bring myself to say anything.

I looked at him and then glanced at my bare arms covered with those ugly scars that I hate so much.

"George, when did you do that?"

He motioned to my arms and I wanted to cry.

"After mom passed away and after that for 3 years."

He looked at me with so much sadness and I felt awful. Maybe past me was right. I should have ended things then.

"Why did you do that to yourself? Why didn't you come to me or somebody else?"

"I..I don't know."

I knew.

"No no just don't lie, you know. Because I know you so well I know that you hate talking about your feelings and you hate mentioning anything that bothers you. But you have to tell me these things. I am here and always will be. So I beg you to answer honestly."

"You don't want to know the truth."

"But yes I do, so just tell me please!"

"Fine, you wanna know how much I hated myself for everything. I hated myself when our dad used to beat us and I couldn't stop him. I hated myself when I was alive and mom wasn't. I hated myself when I found out I was attracted to guys and not girls. I hated the way I looked, I hated how alone I felt. I hated that every night when you weren't home I cried and did this to myself. I hated that I was alive. I hated that I didn't matter. That is why I did all of this. Happy?"

"George, of course I am not happy that my little brother, the one person in the world that meant the world to me and that I had to protect, didn't see how much he mattered to me. "

At this point we were both crying. David sat next to me in the bed and hugged me. We stayed like this for a while.