Hands | DNF

27.

I started carving everything I hated about myself and crying. As i slid down the wall sitting next to the toilet I kept cutting.

Clay was just trying to help. Why did i snap at him? He doesn't deserve this.

The cuts became more with every second that passed. I had carved 7 cuts before hearing a knock at the door. Not even a second after the knock the door flew open.

My brother entered and his eyes instantly went to my arm. He quickly rushed to me and started to pull the razors away from me. I yelled and screamed refusing to give them to him. As he got the one i had dropped on the floor when he entered and the one on the counter he flushed them down the toilet.

When I gave up and fell back into my seat i saw a figure behind my brother standing in the doorway. As the tears ran down down my face, my visioned cleared and I saw Nick standing with a horrified expression on his face. My brother hugged me immediately after flushing the toilet. But I couldn't break the eye contact I had made with Sapnap.

"I am sorry...sorry...sorry! I didn't mean to. I just want it to stop. Why can't I stop?! I am sorry!"

I managed to say between sobs.

My brother just hugged me and told me everything is going to be alright.

Will it tho? Can it get better? Will it..?

When I calmed down Sapnap had come into the bathroom and closed the door. He was soaking a towel with warm water and getting some rubbing alcohol and cottonpads out of the cabinet.

My brother let me go and helped Sapnap with getting everything to me.

"George give me your hand. This is gonna hurt like a bitch."

My brother wet a cotton pad with some rubbing alcohol and grabbed my arm. He was right. It stung a lot after cleaning the cuts he left the bathroom.

Sapnap grabbed the wet towel and started to wrap it around my arm.

"Does Clay know?"

"NO! And you can't tell him. He can't know."

Sapnap stayed quiet.

"Please promise me you won't tell him. Please Sap promise!"

"I won't. It's not my secret to tell."

He unwrapped the towel and started to bandage my arm.

"How long have you cut?"

"For a while. I don't even know anymore. How are you so calm?"

"Well. I guess I can tell you. I used to self harm as well. I haven't in a long time tho."

He rolls up his sleeve and surely there are some old scars. They seem to be really old and some even started to fade.

"Does Clay know about your scars?"

I ask.

"Yeah, he does. He helped me a lot when he found out and because of him I am clean. You know you can tell him. He can help you to George!"

"No no no. No I can't. I don't want to become even more of a burden and I don't want him to worry."

"You are never gonna be a burden George. He will be happy to help you. My advice is to be trust him and tell him when you are ready to. He only want what is best for you."