Trust ~ Jean Kirschtein x Reader/OC

CHAPTER FOUR ~ The Feeling of Hunger

"Wait here, both of you," Jean orders rather bluntly, pivoting on his heels before taking off towards a group of people packing supplies.

Monique and I say nothing, surprised by his random take-off without explanation.
"Oh, great, I'm being told to stay put again. This is the second person who has told me to do that today," I mumble irritably while rolling my eyes and pinching my nose bridge.
Monique laughs quietly and rests a hand on my shoulder comfortingly. It almost immediately creates a calm sense that runs through my body, letting go of my previous worries while in the crowd and releasing the tension between Jean and I. I look up at Monique as she looks down at me, her soft brown hair falling delicately off her shoulder and twisting perfectly at the end, and her eyes, while softer than Jean's, were a similar colour.

I furrow my brows at that realisation.
"What?" She asks.
"Nothing. It's just your eye colour is similar to Jean's," I reply, relaxing my face.
Her lips curl, "don't make me aware of that. I don't want to look anything like him."
"It's not necessarily a bad thing," I say while laugh at her grossed-out face.
"Uh huh, of course you don't think so," she replies with a smirk, hinting at something I am not really sure of. I mean they are very similar in colour, what else is there to think?
I raise an eyebrow, "I don't get it."

"Rosette!" Someone calls urgently behind me, followed by multiple sets of fast footsteps.
I swing myself around just as Armin, Mikasa and Eren slow to a stop in front of us. Armin's eyebrows were furrowed over his surprisingly darkened eyes, obviously concerned about something, or everything going on all at once.
I dart my eyes between each person in front of me, confused on why they needed me, "yeah? What's going on? Is everything okay?"
"What happened to Zariya?" Armin asks desperately.
My mind goes completely blank, what does he mean? Did something happen or does he mean just now? My nose scrunches as I get more and more confused, is she okay?
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"She said you'd know what happened. Why her hands are all bloody," he explains, gesturing to his fists.
It suddenly clicks, like finally untangling a knot, "oh! Yes, of course. She punched a guy."
The complete shock on their face makes me remember that none of them were out here to witness that crowd of angered people. I feel slightly bad for giving them no context as to how or why Zariya punched someone.
"Well, basically, a bunch of the Scouts were angry and confused, and Jacob took - uh, initiative - and angered them more. Then Zariya and Genevieve got involved, and that's all I really know. I just saw her hit someone," I ramble, forcing a light smile to my face.
"Wait, what?!" Eren says through gritted teeth. He reminds me a lot of Jacob, through what I've seen him do, to how he responds.

Come to think of it, I've only really seen Eren mad or frustrated. It's probably that, his confrontational behaviour and determination, that is similar to Jacob. Not only that, but Jean too. I guess that's why they don't mix well - they're determined to do different things, finding each other unreasonable for their morals and what they believe in. But in the end, they're really the same.

This must then explain why Jacob and Jean constantly clash heads, too. They think they are so different, yet they practically mirror each other, with how they take leadership in certain situations when no one else is, and they protect those they love in their own way - which usually means they just get pissed when something doesn't go right.

They're all the same, and they just can't see it.

"Zariya didn't get hurt, did she?"
I snap out of my thoughts as Armin asks me, his voice strained with worry for her.
"Well, I mean, other than her fists bleeding," I try to remember if I saw anything or heard anything that indicated that she was hurt, but in the moment where I was caught suffocating in the crowd, it all really became a blur, "I don't think so."
My uncertainty doesn't give him any consolation, he just looks down at his feet instead as the atmosphere around us becomes silent.
"I'm sorry," my voice croaks, feeling guilty that I didn't pay more attention.
"No, no it's fine, don't apologise," Armin looks back up at me with a small smile.
I clear my throat quietly, "Hey, Eren, are you feeling alright, after yesterday?"
He looks surprised that I started talking to him, "oh, yeah I'm fine."
Part of me feels strange talking to him, he was, after all, a titan. Or was he still human? Or both? It is the same with Annie, who's now trapped in that thing; but she lost some of her humanity to me, after all her murders.

I look back to Armin, who looks back at me, clearly with something on his mind, which could be the fact he saw my scars and I didn't tell him where they came from. I try to distract him, "so, you were going to tell me what's going o-"

"Rosette," I hear Jean's voice grunt behind me, interrupting me.

Oh great, he's back, and still mad for no reason. Eren's face scrunches into a confused scowl, looking at Jean; oh yeah, and their hatred for each other is still very much present.
I roll my eyes and turn to look at him, "yes?"
He glares at Eren for a short while longer, before turning it to me, shoving something into my chest.
I look down to his hand, holding half a bread roll. What's this supposed to do?
"Wait, what?" I have so many questions to ask him.
"Eat it," he lifts it further up to my face.
I pushed it out of the way, my mouth hanging open, "where did you get this?!"
"It doesn't matter," he mumbles back.
I scoff, "yes it does. Did you steal it? You know you can't do that, Jean. If you're caught with it, you'll get in serious trouble. If I'm caught eating it, then I'll be in more trouble. Put it back, I'm not even hungry."

That's a lie. I am hungry. But I don't want to eat anything, especially the bread. When I was younger, I found that I didn't need to eat much - that's just how I grew up. Since my family couldn't afford much, or nothing at all, really, I often went nights or mornings without eating. I was incredibly lucky to get three meals a day, which would mean that my Father worked late into the night just to buy some food to sustain us, sometimes not coming home for a full day. I'd also sacrifice my food for Simone's benefit, I didn't want her to grow up from a young age so unsustained. At least for a few years before she was born, I had meals for myself; but she would have had to share with me, something that I wouldn't allow myself to be okay with. I got to grow up getting small portions of food for a short while, but she never did, so I gave her what I had so she wouldn't have to go as long without food. Besides, I was older, I had experienced more than her, and I knew more than she did; about our family struggles with money and everything, she didn't, and I didn't want her to.

I'm used to being hungry. And I can stay hungry for now, no problem. From this experience, I've found eating nothing is better than eating something small - I'll just get more hungry and then won't act my best; and besides, I want to stay pissed at Jean for now, just out of spite.

"I'm not going to put it back now so you may as well eat it," Jean retorts, waving around the bread.
"But someone might need that later! It was obviously a supply that was going to be taken on the exhibition," I try to plead with him.
"You should eat something," Armin interjects much more calmly.

But I don't need to, I shouldn't. The feeling of guilt creeps up on me, as if it was just trying to get the jump on me; it was the same feeling I felt when I ate a portioned meal with Simone, who's meal I constantly tried to make larger than my own.
I flicker my eyes between everyone standing around me, turning my head to look at Eren, Armin and Mikasa, then to Jean and Monique, who are all waiting for me to take the damn bread.
"Okay," I sigh, defeated.

I'm almost hit with the half-a-bread-roll as Jean practically throws his arm at me, handing it to me. I reluctantly take it from him, looking down at it, suddenly feeling like a child, guilty for something that I shouldn't be eating.
I can still feel everyone watching me, and I let out an awkward laugh, "well you don't have to watch me eat the thing."
"We should go get ready or something, right, Armin?" Eren redirects the conversation.
"Oh, yes, right," Armin responds, "bye."

Eren leads them away, walking briskly towards a set up of people packing supplies and putting saddles on horses, while Mikasa and Armin follow closely behind. I look up at Jean as he stares, annoyed, at the back of Eren's head, "he better not tell anyone I stole the bread."
I laugh, "I'm sure he won't. Thanks, by the way."
He stumbles over his word, "it's no pro-blem."
"Oh, how sweet, you've made up after arguing unnecessarily," Monique chimes sarcastically, "now we should saddle up our horses."
"Right," I say, before tearing off a corner of the roll with my teeth.

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