Trust ~ Jean Kirschtein x Reader/OC

CHAPTER EIGHT ~ Maddening

The second sleepless night throbs in my head, as my half-lidded eyes were becoming increasingly difficult to keep open. It was already beginning to become sunrise, the sky in front of us shining warm oranges and yellows. I squint in the uncomfortable brightness of the morning sun, and slowly pull my hood over my head, pushing away the flyaways that tickle my face, before closing my eyes. The dryness evaporates within seconds, followed by the stinging pain, and I keep them comfortably closed. Status knows to just follow the horses in front of him, so it is not like I would need to direct him much. I could rest, at least for a few seconds, before something utterly insane happens; which is very likely.

My grip goes slack on the reins, only just holding onto them by my curled fingertips. I could feel Status' wiry coat scratching the palms of my hands, which allows me to ground myself in this one calm moment that we have. The pre-existing injuries I have still throb noticeably, but not quite enough for me to not be able to do things. I just breathe through it, slowly relaxing myself, and somehow almost dozing off in this very dangerous place.

"Ahead!" Someone calls near the front of the group, making my eyes shoot open as I force myself into an alert state.

I hold the reins tighter and bring my hands up to my eyes, rubbing off the remaining sting with the back of my hands. A sigh quietly escapes my lips, filled with regret from everything, and anger at myself. I try not to let it get to me, there are more important things at hand at the moment, but it still remains in me. As if it were in the back of my throat, an annoying, paining itch that is too stubborn to move.

"Can you see what's going on?" Monique suddenly moves up beside me, her hair now tied in a low ponytail.

"Hm?" I hum, not understanding what she asks me at first, "oh, no. Honestly, I almost fell asleep just before."

She laughs gently at me, yet there's a nervous hint in it.

The rest of the group ahead of us suddenly begin to speed up, moving towards a slight opening in the forest that we're in now. I perk my head up and straighten my back, Monique doing the same, anxiously trying to find why we're now moving faster. We simultaneously begin to speed up to keep up with everyone, glancing at each other every once in a while, before scanning the general area. My heart thumps nervously, as we aren't given - or at least, can't hear - any other information about the situation. We're being left in the dark, once again, as per usual.

Between the breaks in the branches, a clearer image of a run-down castle comes into view. As it becomes more distinct, I notice an abundance of titans swarming the base of the building, hauling themselves over one another as if they were trying to get to the top. I gasp quite audibly, there must be something there that they want, right? People?

"Oh my gosh," Monique mutters beside me.

I divert my eyes from the castle to her, observing her face. It has fallen into more of a terrified expression, with the colour slightly drained from her face, and none of her usual spark in her eyes.

"What? Are you okay?" I question her.

She takes in a shaky breath, "Connie."

"What about him?" I ask her, more scared at her one-word answer.

"He was with the other part of the regiment; and the others, too. Titans were reported to be moving their way, and if they had to flee where they were staying, then there must be some of our comrades inside the castle. And that's what the titans want," she explains quickly.

My face remains blank as my mind runs with thoughts that I can't even begin to make sense of. Not this. Not again. No one else needs to die.

I slowly turn my head back towards the front, without knowing how to respond or what to say at all. Something catches in the corner of my eye, something seemingly unnatural. We are riding along the wall, which is just tall and grey, but whatever this thing is, looks incredibly out of place.

I swing my head up to look up the wall, finding whatever is catching my eye. There sits some large, seemingly furry, creature. It is like nothing I have ever seen before in my life. I keep my eyes locked on it, utterly breathless, my mouth agape. Is it a titan? Surely not, no titan I've ever seen or heard of has looked like that. But if it isn't, what on earth would it be?

It watches us closely, following our movements with its small head, which is substantially smaller than the rest of its body. It sends a shiver through me, and I whip my head back around to the front, very uncomfortable and anxious.

"You saw it too?" Monique's voice quivers.

I clear my throat before responding, since it dried out from just looking at whatever it was, "yes."

"Disperse and canvas the area!" A familiar voice calls just ahead of us; I assume it's Hange's, "the rest of you follow me to where the titans are gathering and cut them down!"

Just as I comprehend Hange's orders, Eren runs straight advances ahead of us very quickly, heading straight towards the mass of titans.

"Wait! You're not a part of the offensives!" Hange yells after him, but he doesn't turn back.

Part of me wants to follow him, to help him and our comrades get to safety. Another part of me is scared of the consequences if I were to go against orders. I don't care if I was to be sent out to fight them and die in the process. I would rather do that than be reprimanded for going completely against what I was told. So I stay put, continuing to ride with the other scouts that came from our cadet corps, and watch Eren closely.

He launches himself off of his horse and into the air, activating his ODM gear, and swinging down to the nape of the titan's neck. While screaming "DIE!" at it, he comes down and cuts straight across the back of the titan's neck, making it drop to the ground.

I furrow my eyebrows for a moment. Yes, it was very brave of him. But was screaming 'die' at the titan all that necessary?

We ride up to the castle when all the titans are dead. Before I even get Status to fully stop, I'm hauling my legs over to one side of him and jump off, letting him come to a stop on his own. I skid along the ground for a moment and let the continued momentum carry me forward, before I slow down to a fast-paced walk. My shins burn as I keep up the pace, but my mind is too busy deciding whether I should run or not. I spot Jean in the close distance, watching me as he walks towards me; as I take a short, nervous glance at him, I push myself to walk even faster, not wanting him to say what I've been saying to myself this whole time.

Liar. You're a liar. You could've just said that you heard us. That wouldn't have been your fault if you just owned up to it.

I was putting more pressure on myself than anyone else probably would, obsessing over my own stupidity in this one incident. I need to get out of my own head and into the real world, into the moment that is happening right now, even if that means I steer clear of Jean and Jacob for a bit.

I suddenly feel a warm grasp on one of my wrists that forces me to stop walking. Out of reflex, I go to yank it away and turn around quickly, finding - of all people - Jean. I don't say a word, mentally preparing for the possible anger I could receive from him and the incredible embarrassment as a result. I look down at the floor, shifting my foot off of an uneven stone that was digging into my shoe.

"Are you mad at me?" He asks, genuinely concerned and sounding surprisingly upset.

I snap my head straight up to look at him, "what? What for?"

"I thought you heard Jacob say - uh, nevermind. So you're not mad at me?" He asks again.

"No! I thought you were mad at me! Wait, what did Jacob say?" I say, feeling even worse that I made him feel that I was mad at him.

His face warms just a little, enough to be noticeable, "Oh, good. Don't worry about what Jacob said, it was nothing. Why would I be mad at you?"

I swallow uncomfortably, "Because I lied to you about not hearing you and Jacob before."

"Oh, right," he sighs, "I'm not mad. Zariya found out, so I just assumed you told her. I would've done the same thing."

I laugh awkwardly, fiddling with my fingers, feeling awful about how I've hurt him in this way. He slowly lets go of my wrist, and the surrounding air floods the now cold area in his absence. I begin to walk away quickly towards the mess in front of us, worried about everyone that could have been involved.

--