Trust ~ Jean Kirschtein x Reader/OC

CHAPTER FIVE ~ Open the Gate

I finally finish the bread, shoving the final bite into my mouth and dusting my fingers off on my uniform, while multitasking with Status' cheekpiece. He huffs, tugging away his head from me, while I tighten the straps to fit him. As I keep chewing, I stretch my arms back and forth with his head, trying to get this over and done with before he gets too fussy and starts acting up.

"Oh, yes, I know, it's uncomfortable. But just let me-" I start, before he yanks his head out of my grip and snorts at me.

I roll my eyes, "stop being so fussy, the faster I do this the faster you get more comfortable."

As I finally finish adjusting that part of the gear, I stroke down his nose to calm him again. He slowly complies with my touch and stops moving his head around.

"See," I whisper to him, "that's better, isn't it?"

He sighs, blowing air straight at my face, making me somberly laugh. I feel sympathetic for the horse, after all, he never signed up for this. He probably doesn't even know that he could die just as simply as one thing going wrong. This whole thing is dangerous, and Status, along with the rest of these horses, don't even know what is going on. They just comply with our commands, blindly following orders.

I guess that could be used for us, too. We are just told what to do and when, without anyone actually knowing what could happen. We're all just experimental, really, sacrifices for some 'greater good' that probably doesn't exist. Or, at least, that's how I feel. We have all just grown up in misfortune, cruelty, being locked away for our safety, amongst a gruesome truth. Only those who are brave enough - or stupid enough - are exposed to these truths, told to beat them, and save humanity. Or that's what we're supposed to do.

I sigh, coming out of my own head, "alright, I've got a few more of your belts to tighten, and then you're good to go."

I move around his head to his side, and pat him twice on his shoulder, which makes quiet thumping sounds in turn. Status stamps his front hoof closest to me, digging up some dirt and small stones, as his ear switches. I smile at him, horses really are quite strangely beautiful. His dark coat shines in the early afternoon light, making the small white spots he has here and there blend into one colour. I brush my fingers gently against his shoulder blade, feeling his coarse hair scratch ever so gently against the skin on my hand; it is a nice calm moment that I need, just to be sucked into something so small and soothing that everything else simply drowns out and fades into the background behind me.

After a moment, I quickly snap out of my trance, my head jolting upwards slightly, as I remember there isn't much longer until we leave for the breach. I need to hurry and not drag everyone down, like I usually do.

I crouch down until I can practically crawl under Status, and twist around to reach the girth that hangs loosely around his chest. My back twangs with pain, followed by the back of my head, reminding me that I'm still very much injured. But I'll be fine. I have to be.

I grab the straps surrounding the buckle tightly and tug before Status can react too much, feeding it in and through the cold metal. My body suddenly reminds me of tightening Zariya's belt around her arm that had come loose; the pain that strained in her face and the terror that ran through her as I tugged it tightly. My heart skips a beat as it sinks in reaction to my memory, making me quickly finish tightening the girth and stand bolt upright beside Status again. I caused her so much pain and I never got to tell her really how sorry I was.

I stand with a small frown on my face, staring off into the distance, just stuck in a loop with the guilt. It was like a dance with an unpredictable rhythm, and I was a puppet stuck to the guilt, swinging around and around forever, like it would never end. Guilt is just who I am, and who I forever will be.