Secrets - Seungjin

Chapter 1 - intro

May 7th, 7:23pm

"Eomma? Why are you so pale?"

The lady's face looked like she just saw a ghost. Like her body remained but her soul had exited her body, almost in pure fear.

I was sitting on a hospital bed, dressed in an ugly printed gown while the bed was lifted on one side so that I could sit up. I just woken up from what seemed like a brief but ineffective nap. Everything was a bit blurry and fuzzy, some part of me knew I had just woken up from anesthesia.

Just then the doctors come rushing in. Multiple, with their masks and hair nets. The lights in the room suddenly felt so bright, blinding even.

It was overwhelming.

Once my head finally cleared from its fog, I could start to understand what was happening. What my doctors were saying. Why my mothers eyes were bulging. Why the doctors voices had become hushed. It started to make sense, in any way it could in that moment.

I had come to the hospital early in the morning after my parents had become too worried about my bruising and fatigue. The doctors had run some quick blood tests as soon as we explained the siuation. My cell counts had apparently been suspicious. They sedated me and ran a blood marrow biopsy for conformation.

4 days later I was called back to the hospital, this time admitted. It was confirmed. Those symptoms weren't nothing. It wasn't anemia. It wasn't me just hitting my knee on random surfaces.

I think some aspect of me was forever gone after the news. Dead. A part of me that I would long to get back, but it always seemed missing.

That was the day the doctors told me I had cancer.

Leukemia to be exact.

It's type of cancer that develops in your blood stream, its especially common in minors, like myself.

Its type of cancer that can bring you down piece by piece. Giving you false hope that's blinds you of the slow crumble. Like a Jenga tower that's unstable and unpredictable, any second everything could fall apart.

It was the worst possible cause of my symptoms. Fucking cancer.

I remember the look on my parents faces when the doctors came in after I was called back, the moment they said the terrifying c word. Nothing could have prepared them for that news. Not even the strong suspicion the doctors had from my previous blood test.

Because nothing like that could ever happen to our family, right? We were all so happy together that this just couldn't be happening. That thought process is what led to the shock when the situation set in.

My mother cries still echo in my room. She went insane. Refusing to believe the doctors were the sane ones. There was no way her son could have such a detremental disease. It was impossible. It took hours for her to be able to a say a simple sentence without bursting into tears. Her worst nightmare had come true. Any mothers worst nightmare.

My father wasn't okay either, but he didn't lash out at the hospital workers. He simply buried his face and softly sobbed into his hands. It was clear he was just as broken as my mother, however.

You know I've never really felt this feeling. There's no way to catagorize it, to name it. It felt crushing, yet numbing. Maybe it hadn't set in yet.

Everyone around me was crying. I don't think I could process why.

This nightmare of a disease, one that I've only heard about, had happened to me. I was living the nightmare.

They were crying because they could lose me.

I could lose me.

My doctors recommended me a diary to write in. They said it could help me cope with the stress of my changing lifestyle, but to me it seemed like they wanted to me document the last moments of my life.

I guess that must've been too straight forward for a simple doctor to say. My parents would've probably started sobbing if he did phrase it like that

But maybe he's right. My life is changing. For the worse obviously. But maybe this is a good way to not let it get to me. I'll just pretend the pages have cancer not me. They are the ones who feel the pain, not me.

Oh man I've gotten way more emotional after everything that's happened. I promise the normal seungmin never talks this deep.

Maybe if I do die, someone will discover this diary and be able to understand who I was. That's comforting? Is it though? What if someone like publishes it like Anne frank or something?

But I would be royally pissed if someone published this. Let this be your sign.

I mean I'm not living through a war so I guess there's no reason for someone to share my story.

I should probably start with an introduction. I'm Kim Seungmin. I'm 15 at the time of writing this. I have an older brother who's in California for college. I have two loving parents and my friends, Felix and Jisung. I'm a student at the local highschool and I've lived in neighborhood my whole life.

I live a simple life. I've never had health problems until now.

It started a month or two ago when I started to notice bruises on my body, I'm not the sporty kind of dude so this was unnatural. My nose would also start bleeding at random times,

Actually my family friend- Hyunjin- ugh I hate that I had to write his name out. Even just that makes me wanna throw up. Anyways. I was going to give him his uniform, since my mother washed it at our place, and I suddenly had a nose bleed and ruined the white shirt. It was really unexpected, even I hadn't realized it until I stood at Hyunjins door with his shirt in my arms and I noticed the look of horror on his face.

Guess it's kind of scary if your enemy pulled up to your door with the wildest bloody nose and your shirt in their hands was now turning a blood red.

I guess Hyunjin and I were close. Close in the way that we had to see each other often.

If I'm being completely honest, I fucking hate him. He's so rude and annoying. He always picks on me for no reason. His friends are bitches. He always flexes his good grades. He always acts so two faced infront of our parents. He just pissed me off.

I honestly wish our parents weren't friends so I didn't have to act like we like eachother infront of them. It's exhausting. And so frenemies is what I like to call it

Enemies that's are forced to be friends.

I was thinking about training to box him one day, you know let out some anger? But with this whole thing, I'll never be strong enough for that.

My mom came in my room earlier today and gave me new meds that I have to start taking everyday. Even after waves of treatment, I have to continue certain pills to manage it. Lukemia can always come back even after I'm considered cancer free, and so medications are the best way to treat it over long time periods.

I'm expected to undergo proper chemotherapy some point soon actually.

It's crazy to think about how all those stories of cancer patients is coming true to me huh? I wonder what everyone will think if I tell them.

Maybe it's best if I don't.

Maybe I should keep this a secret.

So everyone is happy....

A/n
NEW STORY HOW DO WE FEEL

I try to keep things lighthearted but damn my books always get deep.

If anyone sees any inconsistencies  throughout this book of my depictions of lukemia please call me out. I've personally dealt with a close family member with lukemia and I've wanted to do a book with the struggles of having it, especially with being so young.

Hope you enjoyed!