Yn x YouTubers

James marriott x YN (Too much)

TW: SH, Suicidal thoughts, panic attack,hyperventilating,anxiety, blood, flashbacks of abuse

Overview: Yn and James had been dating for about a year now. Yn always struggled mentally but they worked through it. James was streaming when he heard a scream that shocked him... What Yn had done was something James hadn't noticed till now...

Saturday Yn pov:
I was sat in the kitchen while James streamed .. staring at the knife that sit in arms reach..
"do i?" I whispered to myself
My mental health was never great but i never told my boyfriend,James , for fear he'd leave me...
I know really he understood but did he really? Honestly did he?
I couldn't take it much longer... The thoughts of death and hurting myself crowed my head once more.. i couldn't leave James so hurting myself was the next best thing if I'm honest
James had watched me hurt myself before but not like this.. He only ever watch me hit my head during a panic attack never anything more... and he always stopped me
Finally i grabbed the knife rolled up my sleeve and cut .. over and over and over until suddenly
"FUCK!" I screamed
Clasping my hand over my mouth i hoped James didn't hear..
James PoV:
"CHAT WTF I SWEAR IF I SEE HIS-"
What was that? I heard a shout from the other room
"One second" i said before leaving the room
"Yn?" I saw them frantically running their arm under tap trying to hide something
"Yn?" They looked at me.
"Oh hi!" They covered their arm with there sweater and fast.
"Yn.. Show me your arm.." I began knowing they had done something...
"No... why!?" They stumbled trying to go to our room.
I stopped them "Yn that wasn't a option that was an order" i was trying not to sound aggressive but a small amount of anger was in my voice.
They looked at me before surrending their blood covered sweater to me gesturing for me to look under at their arm. The second i touched and began to roll back their sleeve they winced and pulled there arm back slightly revealing their whole blood covered arm.
"Yn! Wha- Why have you done this?" I questioned panic and anxiety in my voice
"I-I didnt have a choice James..." tears forming in their eyes "I couldn't kill myself could i? As much as i want to! As much as i wish to be gone James I CANT BE! I HAVE TO STAY IN THIS SHITTY WORLD" Yn answered ripping her arm from my grip, grabbing the knife once more and running to the bathroom locking it behind them

Yn PoV:
I'd finally told James how i felt except i hadn't not really...
Now locked in the bathroom i cried knowing James couldn't get to me.. wishing he had his arms around me telling me not to yet i felt i had to. it was like if i didnt hurt myself james would die everyone ive ever known would die...
Crying harder i took the knife to my wrist once more cutting deeper and deeper over pre existing cuts for earlier..
I began to feel dizzy and light headed when i heard banging on the door..
"YN! YN PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR" It was James trying to get in
"YN" he screamed once again "i knew he wasn't going to hurt me but i cowered it was like what my dad did...
"Yn..." his voice softened as i heard him slid his back down the door "please yn im not going to hurt you, you know I'm not going to... I'm just trying to help." His voice cracked as he began sobbing.
"James.. I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry!" I answered my voice becoming lower and lower as i began to become dizzier and fainter "i have no choice im a shit person ! I'm a shit ___friend and I'm just a waste ok.? I'm not killing myslef because your here! I can't do that to you but punishing myself is all i can do! Just because I'm not killing myslef doesn't mean i don't think about it! James i can't tell you how i feel it's a battle with me and me alone you can't help me.."
Everything was fading as my hands began to slip of the counter holding me up.. i took one look at myself before collapsing

James PoV:
I heard Yns voice trail off before hearing a thump.
"YN?"
"YN ANSWER ME"
Shit i thought... i got up and rammed my shoulder into the door once.. twice... three times and ..
It opened! I saw them lying on the floor blood still coming out there arm..
"Oh yn.. why?" I whispered taking my jacket off covering their arm applying pressure hoping to stop the bleeding before covering it. After a few minutes i let go the bleeding had died down... Grabbing the first aid kit i carefully cleaned their wounds and covered them with a bandage. A minute later Yns eyes opened..
"Hey.." i spoke they flinched slightly at the light in their eyes.

Yn pov:
I woke seeing James lean over me attempting to sit up i used my arms to help when a sharp pain shot through my wrist
"Ow fuck" i spoke grabbing my now bandaged wrist
"Yea.. that's gonna hurt for a while.." James replied sitting me up against the counter before handing my some water
Reluctantly i drank it.. "James" i began
"Yn don't feel you have to explain.." he hugged me and i hugged back sobbing into his shirt "James im sorry! I never meant to hurt you only me.. it's the only way to cope"
"Hey.. it's ok i know i know it's hard but it's not the only way., why didn't you tell me you were.. hurting yourself? Or that you were considering ending it?"
"I thought you'd leave me thinking i was a mentally unstable bitch who just wants attention" i choked back between tears"
"Oh yn i would never leave you! I love you" James replied picking me up carrying me to his office
"OH SHIT IM STILL LIVE" He shouted ending immediately..
I cuddled into his chest my tears still soaking his shirt.. he stroked my hair " breathe mi amor just breathe"
Slowly i fell asleep cuddled into the man .

James PoV:
They never told me they were hurting so much.. sad i continued to stroke their hair calming them. As they relaxed on my lap clearly asleep i began to sob quietly feeling bad for never realising they felt that way.. i understood more than they knew i did.. back in 2020 standing on the bridge in London wondering what would happen if i just jumped.. (he genuinely felt this way and it breaks me) kissing their head i moved my hand to my computer mouse and opened google
I'm yn had used my computer and searched stuff up but wouldn't allow me to look from then on all they wore was hoodies and long sleeved stuff . Opening search history i saw things that only made me sob more
- How to hid self harm from my boyfriend
-good places to commit suicide
- Self harm tools that are discreet
And so on.. tears now streaming down my face i felt a gentle hand wipe them
"Don't cry baby... it's not your fault" Yn spoke before cuddling back into my chest sleeping once more...
Closing the google history i began rubbing Yns back again... before dozing off myself yn safely in my arms

🍉AN🍒
1263 words, how do we like this chapeter? I'm unsure about it lmk!
Requests still open

Happy now 🍄