Nova Academy

Mental Health: Part Two

Steven stirred under Connie and sighed heavily. "I'm back." His voice was frail and he sounded like he'd stayed up for a week straight.

Connie lifted her head that felt weighed down with thought. "I'm so happy to hear your voice." A few tears ran streaks down her face but she wiped them away before he could see. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I might need to erase some memories, and then my own." The embarrassment was evident, but the bitterness made his voice jagged.

"There's no need for that." She watched his face try to mask his hurt and rage but it didn't work. "Steven, look at me."

He frowned but did as he was told.

"You're not broken."

His eyes widened. "I-I dunno... But–"

She shook her head. "You're not broken."

He winced in pain, "I-I don't –,"

She leaned down to press her forehead to his, rubbing her fingers over his hairline. He looked terrified she would say it again. "You're not broken." She tapped his temple, "This isn't broken," Her fingers found his heartbeat and she slightly chuckled. "This might be a little broken, but it's not permanent. You aren't broken." She kissed the middle of his chest, feeling the shallow breathing there. "And this," She drew a line between them. "This isn't broken, either."

She didn't know if she'd said the right thing with how many tears were spilling from his eyes. He looked up at her with an unreadable and strange face. Steven had always been an audible crier; he would sniffle and his breathing would get heavy or he'd completely break down. She thought she was ready for anything, but she was not ready for him to sit completely silent and cry.

They stared at each other for a beat or two, and he sat up to hug her. "She was," He took a deep breath. "More abusive than I'd lead us both to believe. Do you know what..."

His grip on her tightened as he fought against his mind. "Steven, take your time. I love you."

Steven took a deep breath, let it out and forced it out. "Do you know what a clicker is?"

She nodded against his chest, her heart seizing.

"Well... I'm sure you can paint the picture in your head of how that worked." He loosened his grip on her as if expecting her to leave.

She tightened hers.

"She clicker trained me like a dog, Ni." His words wavered so hard she wished she could save him from the misery. "Still... still to this day, I hear something that sounds exactly like it and I almost can't stop myself from responding." He rested his chin on top of her head. "She used to... make me do things that aren't in my character, and she ended up affecting the way my brain works forever. She... did things I hated. It scared me to be called a sadist."

She kissed his head. "There's different kinds. You're a pleasure sadist. She's an emotional sadist and a god awful person. You're not the same, not even close."

"How?" He asked cynically.

"You give intense pleasure because you've known intense pain. She gives intense pain because she can. There might not even be a reason behind it, she might just like doing it but I want to believe all people are born good." She truly did, but this had warped her views. "You're good, Steven."

"How can you say that with such sureness?" He cried.

She raised her head to look down at him, to really gaze into his eyes and feel his presence. "I don't know how to tell you without..." She shook her head and chuckled sadly. "I know you're good because every day when I see you, I feel like a new person. I know you're good because of the way you touch. It's in your eyes even if you don't believe it's in your heart. It's impossible to look at you and think that you're a bad person. Everyone does bad things," She sighed. "I've can think of a few downright irredeemable things I've done. But no matter how hard we try to force people around us to think we are bad, we can't. Self sabotage is hard to do when your friends see through your bullshit."

"I feel so dirty inside when I think about her." He was still slightly distant but tucked away a hand under his head. "I can mask it really well but..."

"Have you ever put a bunch of soap on your body while showering and scrubbed until you were sore?" She asked suddenly.

He sat back up so fast they knocked heads. He kissed it, but it didn't heal. "Constantly."

"Me too," She looked down at her hands. "Steven, I want to ask you a question."

His stomach dropped. "What is it?"

Her face contorted in pain and she sniffled. "Do you remember what Hazel had asked in the bathroom?"

He was quiet for so long she looked back up at him. His eyes glossed over as she imagined he was flashing back. She knew for sure now.  "Yes to both questions."

She wrapped her arms around him and cried. It was something she didn't want to hear, but she knew the answer would be a yes. He sniffled and finally the dam broke. He heaved and sobbed into her shoulder, his chest shaking with the heaviness of his admittance.

"Over and over." He was shaking so violently in fear and rage and humiliation. But she needed to know he was damaged.

"I love you and I swear to all the stars in the sky if I see her, there is no force in heaven or hell that can stop me. It's on sight." She promised so dangerously that he pushed her away a little.

"Please don't. I need you," He crushed her with another hug. "I need you, Connie Maheswaren."

She wouldn't take it back, but she did rub his back tenderly. "I need you too, Steven Universe."

They didn't know how long they stayed like that, clutching each other as if one might disappear if they let go.

"I want to take all of it away. How do I take it away?" She held his face and he shrugged.

"You take a little away every day we're together."

A soft glow enveloped them and Stevonnie laid there in their place, glaring at the ceiling fiercely as tears ran down their face.

"Never again, Steven."