I Hate California

five

I saw her. She was right in front of me. I didn't want to let her go, but I knew I had to. I saw Joe's face behind her, holding another little girl. 

"Taylor, was that who I think it was?" Mom asks walking into my dressing room. 

I look at my self in the mirror and take a deep breath and nod in her directions. 

"Oh my goodness." She says putting her hand over her heart. 

That was it though, the only moment I had with my daughter. I can't believe Joe let her attend my concert. He doesn't hate me that bad if they came, right? 

I finished changing into other clothes and we headed to my Beverly Hills home. Once my Mom headed up to the guest room, I stayed in the kitchen just scrolling on my laptop. I know I should be going to bed since I have another concert tomorrow, but I just can't stop thinking about Sage. 

"Mom?" I ask as I stand outside her door. 

"What's wrong honey?" She asks walking over to me. 

I looked like a mess, I was tired, hungry, and everything else above. 

"I can't stop thinking about Sage." I confess as I rub my face and her expression softens. 

"Hey hey, there's nothing wrong with that. She's your daughter and I know you miss her and that you love her. Trust me, seeing her face on that screen shocked us." She tells me. 

I go into my room and just lay in my bed. I stare at the wall. I hated this house. It was Sage's very first home. I remember bringing her home from the hospital and giving her a tour of what I thought she would grow up in. Boy was I wrong. 

I didn't want to be in California anymore, but I had concerts to do. I wondered if I should text Joe, but would he reply after all of that? 

-

I tucked the girls into bed, they looked both looked so little in Sage's big bed. I went downstairs to clean the mess of the makeup and clothes that were scattered after coming back from the concert. Lily slept the whole way coming back and Sage ended up finally falling asleep in the car, she was fighting it the whole way. 

As I threw the girls clothes into the washing machine, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. 

"Thank you for bringing her." I read. 

I've been trying to forget about that whole interaction we had. I loved that Sage got to see and hug her Mother, even if she didn't know who she was, I did. 

"Her friend invited her, I couldn't let them down." Was all I sent back. I didn't want her to think that I wanted us to go in the first place, it was simply just an invitation. 

I wonder if this is going to  be the start of something, if it is, it better be for the better. I peaked into Sage's room one last time and headed to my bedroom. When I looked at my phone one last time, she had read it. I didn't want to have a whole conversation right now, so I just shut my phone off and went to bed. 

-

"Thank you so much for taking the girls and letting Lily sleep over!" Anna says as she heads out the door. 

Sage comes running towards me in the kitchen wearing her Eras Tour shirt that was oversized on her, looking so adorable. 

"Daddy! I can't believe I got to hug Taylor Swift!" She yelled jumping up and down. She wanted the hat to be displayed on the highest shelf in her bedroom where no one could get it and reach it. 

If she's freaking out over a hug from Taylor, I bet she'd faint if I told her she gave birth to her. 

"What was your favorite part of the concert baby? Other than getting your hat?" I asked her curiously. 

She held her finger up to her lip as she tilted her head to think, "I loved the 1989 era Daddy! I tried to dance as much as I could, but I was so sleepy." She says with a sad tone at the end.

I chuckled remembering her trying to keep her eyes open during that part of the concert, barely able to stand on her own feet as she kept falling over to the side. 

I know that Taylor's going to be in California for a while since she has a few shows here, I always wondered how she does it. No one really amazes me as much as she does. I always thought to myself what would happen if Taylor wanted to meet Sage, but always felt a bit uneasy.

-

I had just finished my second night at SoFi stadium and it was just so fun, too fun. Just a little while longer and I get to announce the re-recording of my album 1989. 

All I could think about ever since I arrived back to my house was Joe's text. He was so straight forward, but I'm forever thankful for that little moment I got to have. 

While I'm here, I want to make it a mission to be able to talk to Joe. I don't have to see Sage, but I'd like to, but I need to fix things with Joe. Especially since I was starting to see someone else. Talking to someone else has been so difficult, especially knowing that I have a child that isn't with me, but staying with my ex. He has been so supportive about it though, only mentioning her when I mention her and not asking questions about her unless I say it's okay. That's what makes Travis so important to me. 

"I was wondering if you have anytime this week to meet up? I head back to New York soon and wanted to talk to you, please." I type out, taking a deep breath in and hit send. 

I don't even want to see if he had seen it, I'm way too anxious. 

I turn off the lamp on the night stand and close my eyes, hoping I'll be able to fall asleep. I have another show tomorrow.