I Hate California

thirty four

I woke up even more tired than usual, we had landed in had just gotten back from all of my Australia shows last night and flying back with a recovering child wasn't the best thing in the world. I felt like the worst Mom ever, not being able to take care of her every day because I had to perform. Joe on the other hand was catching the cold as well. For me, I could care less because she's my daughter, but what worried me the most was that I was pregnant and performing at the same time, adding the flu to that would be a bit overboard.

We had about a week before we had to leave for Singapore and I'm performing for six nights straight. I'm so excited, but I'm not excited about the after math exhaustion. My parents are going to be with us in Singapore, so I was very thankful for the extra help. 

Joe was doing some writing exercises with Sage in the kitchen while I was reorganizing her bedroom. She has been feeling a lot better, but she has been taking the rest of her medicine to make sure she is fully recovered. Before I arrived, I had my Mom and brother pack up some of my clothes to send to Joe's place and it seemed like they packed up my whole closet at this point.

As I was going through Sage's closet, I realized there were so many clothes she didn't fit into anymore, even the clothes I bought her from New York. I stored away the clothes that were too small for her and made room for more clothes since we would need to go shopping for bigger sizes. She was getting taller each day and her shoes were all getting too small as well.

"Oh my god, all of these don't fit anymore?" Joe asks walking into the room and I nod. He helps bring the boxes of small clothes into the basement and then Sage comes running in with a lollipop in her hand.

"Look at what Daddy gave me! He said I did well with all of my sentences!" She exclaimed looking proud.

"Wow, my baby is so smart! Don't run around with that in your mouth please" I tell her, afraid she might choke on it.

I brought out her suitcase since I needed to pack her things for Singapore and since we were going to be there longer, she needed more room and also extra items. I laid out a set of shirts, shorts, and leggings, and pajamas. I then picked out her shoes, bringing some crocs, sandals, and tennis shoes, and some slippers. She threw in Piggy and I threw her back out because I know she would want her in the next couple hours, so we really couldn't forget this pig before we leave.

"Baby, we need to buy more clothes for you" I inform her and she looks at me, tilting her head.

"Am I getting bigger?" She asks, making me nod. She smiles from cheek to cheek and giggles, jumping around her room.

"Am I going to be taller than you one day, Mommy?" She asks me curiously. I chuckled and engulfed her into a hug.

"Maybe baby, you already are taller than I was at the age of six!" I tell her and it was true.

I watched as she walked out of the room and I finished packing up one of her suitcases. I sighed, we would be able to take a DNA test next week, taking it before we leave and then we would know the results when we come back. I was terrified, to say the least. I haven't spoken to Travis since, he has been liking my posts every once in a while, but it's best for all of us for me to not talk to him until after we get the results.

When I was finished, I went into Joe and I's bedroom and saw him pointing to the corner of the room. I looked behind the giant bean bag we had and saw Sage fast asleep behind it. This girl could fall asleep anywhere. I carefully picked her up and laid her in the middle of the bed, tucking the sheets around her. I watched as Joe went into the bathroom to take his medicine and I decided to lay next to Sage, just cuddling her.

"How's the baby treating you?" Joe asks lying down on the other side of Sage.

"I wanna say it's getting better than when I first found out, but I still feel horrible every once in awhile" I tell him.

His arm reaches over Sage and rubs over my stomach. "Don't give your Mommy too much of a struggle, she has a tour to finish", he says softly making me smile. I loved how sweet and caring he was, even when he didn't know if this was 100% his child, he still made efforts.

"Do you want another girl or a boy?" He asks me and I think for a moment, I haven't exactly thought about that.

Truth is, I want another girl, having Sage is just everything, getting to dress her up as my mini me and getting to do her hair was everything to me. Although, I never really thought about having a son, but I just know they would be a Mommy's boy. It's just hard to think that there will be another child in the picture and Sage won't be my only baby anymore.

"Honestly, I want another girl, but I'm fine with a boy too" I tell him. He chuckles and looks down at Sage.

"I feel like before I became a Dad, I always thought I would be a girl Dad and Sage definitely confirmed that for me. Watching her grow up and being able to see the world through my little girl's eyes was everything and more" He explains. I was jealous, jealous he was the one that watched her grow up. He was the one that experienced her first steps, her first words, and her first day of school. When I think about it, there isn't anything I could do to change what happened in the past, but I'm most definitely going to be here every step of the way for her now.

"You know, when she was smaller, she was just like you. She had your temper, your smile, and your taste for music" He says making me proud. He never really talks about her early years, mostly because he knows it upsets me.

"I'm glad. That's all I could ask for, even when I wasn't there, you couldn't lie that she wasn't my daughter" I tell him. She was like me in every other way, other than the straight hair that I despised, but basically that was the only thing she got from Joe.

We looked down to see her waking up and slowly opened her eyes, looking at both of us. I let out a soft laugh and stroked her hair and kissed her cheek. She pushed my face away, annoyed and sat up.

"I'm hungry" She announces make Joe and I burst out in laughter. She truly was our happy pill.