I Hate California

thirty eight

These past couple days have been tough. I felt like I was getting heavier and heavier even though I still wasn't that noticeable yet. Tour has been getting even more exhausting, especially after Singapore. Performing there for six nights was a dream, but it also took a lot out of me. I was disappointed in myself. Disappointed of my actions which led to this, which meant that I had to postpone all of the shows after Singapore until after I give birth. I didn't know how to break the news, I was too upset to even talk about, on top of all of that, Sage has been keeping her distance from me. I've been doing everything in my power to make sure she felt loved and that I was there, even when I was exhausted to the brim. She has been clingy towards her Father ever since, making me jealous.

"Here babe" Joe says as he walked into our bedroom, setting down a tray of food. I was told that I needed to rest for a couple days, straight. Can't get out of bed, unless to use the bathroom, not to use my voice, and to make sure that I was sleeping as much as I could, whenever I could.

I gave Joe a smile as he kissed my lips and I slowly began to eat the lunch he prepared me. As he stayed at the end of the bed, massaging my legs, I spotted Sage at the door. I flashed her a smile and she quickly ran into her room, making my heart shatter. She really was avoiding me. Joe noticed me frowning as we heard Sage's door close.

"She'll come around" He tells me, with an unsure tone. The truth was, we both weren't certain where this all would lead to. The Sage I met at the very start wasn't there anymore. Even Joe told me that she has never acted like this before, making me feel even horrible.

After eating, I laid in bed just watching T.V. and listening to the noises within the house. Joe was most likely cleaning up the kitchen and I could hear Sage's feet running back and forth. I haven't gotten to properly hold her in days. When she slept in our room, she slept on Joe's side.

I carefully stood up since I needed to use the bathroom and slowly made my way over there. While I was washing my hands, I heard Joe and Sage walking towards the bedroom.

"Let's give you a bath, stinky!" Joe joked and Sage let out a laugh as they walked into the bedroom. Sage has both a bath tub and shower in her bathroom, but she preferred our huge bathroom that was also a jacuzzi.

I smiled as I was face to face with Sage and she looked at me like she just saw a ghost, not expecting to see me. I carefully bent down, letting my legs crack and pulled her into a gentle hug, but she didn't hug me back.

"I love you baby" I whispered into her ear and took a good look at her face. She was changing so much already.

Joe smiled at both of us and I let him give her a bath since she would definitely not want me to. When I laid back into bed, I could easily see them from where I was and I watched Sage as she played in the tub. Where did my little girl go, I thought to myself. All I wanted to do was hold her, hold her while she slept and to feel her arms wrap around me. I promised her and myself that I would spend as much time with her as possible before this baby arrives.

When Joe finished giving her a bath, they exited the bathroom with Sage in a white shirt, pink leggings and her freshly combed blow dried hair. Sage sat next to me in bed, playing with a pop it while Joe cleaned up the bathroom. I took small glances at her and I knew she could tell because she would stop moving every so often. I wanted to just pull her into a hug and never let her go, but I know that would result in screams.

When Joe finished, Sage quickly got up and threw herself into his arms and he spun her around. I gave Joe a smile as my eyes filled with tears and he walked over to my side with Sage in his arms.

"Give Mommy a kiss" He told Sage who stared at me for a good minute and then looked back at him.

I opened my arms for her as she looked at them and Joe leaned her towards me. She gave me a quick kiss on the forehead, it was barely even a kiss, at least not the kind of kisses I know my daughter actually means.