I Hate California

forty two

"Taylor, I understand that you're very stressed, but we can't officially do anything unless we are for sure" Tree tells me as I paced around the table. I wanted to curse her out right there. This was my daughter we were talking about. If anyone one else knew about this, involved or anything else, I wanted them in jail. Prison. 

They told me that they had a lead on the investigation. It was most like a fan of mine, stalker to be correct. The fact that she got into Joe's house, that no one knows about. I was putting myself through hell, the fact that because of me this happened to Sage. 

"When we find this person, I want to face them myself" I exclaimed. I wanted to scream at them, kill them with my own hands. I wasn't going to let anyone get away with this. I don't care if they didn't physically hurt her, my baby is now forever traumatized. 

While they continued to talk, I left to go check up on Sage. My Mom was with her while she slept, I didn't want her to ever be alone again. When I entered her room, Sage was still sound asleep. My Mom looked up from the book she was reading and smiled at me. I carefully walked over to Sage's side, giving her a kiss on the forehead and just stared at her. When your child goes missing, so many thoughts are going through your head. This situation could have been worse, and I'm so grateful that it wasn't. 

"Thank you" I whispered towards my Mom. She closed her book, walking over to me and gave me a tight hug. I felt bad for acting so horrible towards them while Sage was gone. I was already going through so much and every second that Sage wasn't with me, made me even worse. 

I felt Sage stir into my side and she fluttered her eyelids, showcasing her beautiful bright ocean blue eyes. I gave her a comforting smile as I pulled her into my arms. I already had a bump now, so it felt awkward carrying her because I couldn't hold her too close. I still made it possible though. As my Mom was walking out of the room, she was met with Joe who walked in, closing the door behind him. He sat on the bed with us and pulled us into his arms. I looked down at Sage who was still recovering from her nap and played with her hair. 

Joe and I were looking at new houses in California. I insisted that we all move to New York, but it just seemed too much for Sage at this age. We found a much bigger house that was in a gated community since I didn't want us to move into my other house since so many people already knew the address. There was a much bigger backyard for the kids to play in, more rooms, and it was also recently built. I wanted to move as quick as we could, but being pregnant didn't help. I was getting slower each day and everything was making me even more tired by the minute. 

"Sage, when we move into our new house, we get to redo your whole room!" Joe exclaims, but Sage doesn't crack an expression. I sighed, tucking her head into my neck. She has been waking up in the middle of the night with nightmares, making me cry along with her. She didn't want to talk about it and it made the investigation even harder because she couldn't say much about it, she was only six to begin with. 

"We're going to redesign a bigger play room for you and your little sibling. There's going to be so much space for you guys to run, inside and outside of the house!" I continued, trying to make it sound as exciting as possible. She gave me a small smile, before looking back down. I could tell that she just didn't have the energy. 

To be honest, I was scared of what the public had to say after we got Sage back. We released a public statement a couple days after, mentioning that she was now safe, but that was it. I haven't been on social media since. I was already terrified to go back on tour even after the baby is born. No one was safe, my kids aren't safe. I don't know if I would want Sage to even come back on tour with me, knowing that some people wanted to get to her. 

-

I was silently playing with my school supplies while Mommy and Daddy talked to the officers. There were so many people at our house, everyday. I wanted it to just be Mommy, Daddy, and I, but I feel like that won't happen for a long time. If only I wasn't a bad girl and just obeyed Mommy and didn't always make her feel so sad. I tried my best to be a good big sister to this baby, but I felt sad because Mommy looked so tired, because of what happened to me. 

Mommy never wanted to let me out of her sight and it made me feel bad. Daddy would try to take care of me and watch me when he ordered Mommy to rest, but she always refused. I could feel Mommy watching me as I doodled on my white board. I was writing down words I knew how to spell. I knew many words. When I looked over at Mommy, she gave me a big smile and a thumbs up. 

When Daddy was helping everyone out the front door, I slowly made my way towards Mommy who had her head in her hands at the kitchen table. I removed her arms, causing her tired, watery eyes to look at me and I climbed into her lap. I heard her sigh and she wrapped her arms around me. 

"I'm sorry, Mommy" I whispered, kissing her cheek. She looked at me and closed her eyes tightly, causing a tear to fall.

"Don't apologize, don't ever apologize baby. This is never your fault" She stated sternly. Daddy approached us, looking at me with a sad expression and sat in the chair next to us. He rubbed Mommy's back while she continued to hold me. 

Later that night, I followed everything that was told of me. I let Mommy feed me all of my food during dinner time. She helped me while I picked up my toys that were scattered in the living room. She gave me a shower, combed my hair, and also brushed my teeth for me. There were a lot of things that I learnt to do by myself when I was at the crazy lady's house, but Mommy insisted that she do it for me. She let me pick out my pajamas and as I was getting ready to climb into my bed, she pointed towards their bedroom. 

Before we walked out of my room, I picked a bedtime story from my little library and carried it with me to their bedroom where Daddy was already waiting for us. She lifted me up the big bed and I climbed into the middle, patiently waiting for Mommy to climb in too. 

"Okay, let's see" Mommy said as she carefully took the book out of my hands and opened it. While she read it, it was very soothing to hear her voice. I couldn't really concentrate on the story because I just wanted to listen to her talk. Daddy on the other hand seemed very into it because I could hear him laughing and was leaning over me to look at the pictures. 

It didn't take long until I leaned against Mommy and she pulled the covers closer to my chin and I ended up shutting my eyes, hearing her voice fade into the background. 

-

"You have an appointment tomorrow, you gonna be okay?" Joe asks, breaking the silence as we were watching Sage sleep. I nodded my head. I couldn't not go. 

"I'm scared to leave her, maybe I'll take her with me" I say, scared to have her out of my sight. Joe said that he was going to watch her, but ever since, she hasn't left my sight and I just know I'd be stressed the whole time. Again, taking her out in public felt even scarier for me, but we couldn't keep her hidden forever. 

We agreed that all of us were going to go to this appointment and with all of my security. I wasn't going to risk anything. I also wanted Sage to see the baby during the ultrasound. I set her book down on my nightstand as Joe turned off the lights. I pulled Sage's sleeping body close to me and felt Joe wrap his arms around us. I really hoped that I would have a peaceful sleep tonight, but I just knew that Sage was going to wake up again. 

"I've got you both" Joe whispers, finding my lips in the darkness. 

-

Hey guys! So much has happened already and there is still so much that hasn't happened yet! I honestly, have such a weird connection to Sage, she will forever be my favorite child of Taylor's even after she has this baby... HA! 

ALSO, we are so close to finally hearing The Tortured Poets Department and I am terrified... Can't wait to cry with the rest of you guys on April 19th!