The Light In The Dark

The Truth

(TRIGGER WARNING)
(MENTIONING OF SUICIDE ATTEMPT, ABUSE, AND INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS)

Sonic POV:

While lying in the bed, I could still feel someone grasping at my body. The way my legs twitched to the slightest weird movement. I could feel my body shivering. I don't know what he did... but my body knows every bit of it. I felt sick even when being asleep. I tossed and turned while lying down in the bed. Eventually, I gave up and sat up. I rubbed my eyes and my forehead. I felt heavy, and my eyes were burning. I moved the comforters off my body as I looked at my bandaged legs. I felt a lot of things when looking at my misused body. One thing out of all the feelings I felt that stood out... was shame. I knew I could have fought, I knew I could have broken out of those restraints. But I was just too weak in the moment. Wrong place, and definitely wrong time. I leaned back on the headboard of the bed. I could feel my eyes getting heavier as I stared at the wall in front of me. I then looked at my wrists, which had some bruises from trying to get out of what I was held down on. My body felt weaker than before. This wasn't like the times I got hit, the times where I would get yelled at... no... this felt different. I felt sick with myself as well as Eggman's disgusting actions. I felt vulnerable... and I hated it. I never wanted people to see me like this. Of course, I never really was given a chance to begin with. My family castrated me, made me feel out of place. I never felt welcomed into life until I met Tails and now that he's gone... I could feel that empty void just tugging at my heart again. Then having to watch Knuckles take beatings... it reminded me of my childhood. I didn't want that for Knuckles, not at all. But yet, this all started because I was nice to Shadow and gave him a place to stay. What if he was telling the truth... about how he wanted none of this to happen. How what he did wasn't truly him at all. Tears just trickled down my muzzle, I had no expression on my face. Yet my body said it all. My emotions are so tied in a knot, I don't know what to believe, who to trust, and if I even belong. I could just hear my dad in the background, dragging me down or my mom. The way he left and she blamed me for everything. It was never the same after he left. But I had to manage somehow until I was old enough to just leave. And when I finally got a life I was happy with, it was taken from me within a flash. I could just feel my body shivering as I stayed still on the bed. I wiped my tears and took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. I gave up on even staying in the room. As I got up from the bed and started walking. I felt exhausted, but yet I couldn't even catch a wink. Knuckles was asleep on the couch. I could see him from the top stair that he was sleeping peacefully. I sighed and left him be, as I tried to find the bathroom. I came across Shadow's room. I stared into it for a second, seeing how he was curled up. Almost like a cat. I turned the corner to find the bathroom. I left the door open behind me, just leaning on the sink and gripping at the edge of the counter. I looked in the mirror, seeing someone that I never wanted to be. I never wanted to be weak, or be used for someone's disgusting desires. But here I am, a complete wreck. My brother is gone, Knuckles is just barely dragging along, and Shadow... he seems to be guilty for his actions, but I can't even tell anymore. Tears filled my eyes again as I felt my head get heavy once more. The bags under my eyes were visible due to me crying. I felt repulsive... fragile, like anything that touched me would make me shatter. I knew how people struggle through such scary things, but I don't seem to know how to even begin to try and fix what has happened to me. All because of others and my own actions. I sniffled and whimpered a bit, forgetting the door wasn't closed behind me. Letting the tears drop from my eyes and into the vacant sink.
Shadow: "You okay...?"
I froze and turned around, wiping my tears away before I could even process that he just witnessed me being out of it. I sniffled and tried fixing my quills and fur. My voice cracked when I spoke, holding a weak smile towards Shadow.
Sonic: "I'll be fine... I'm just processing a lot at once."
Shadow went quiet, staring at me as he then held out his claw towards me.
Shadow: "The feeling is mutual. I know a good place to try and get your mind off of everything. If you'll allow me to take you... I would humbly appreciate it."
I paused, wondering what he may be going on about. I let out a small yet soft sigh and took laid my paw in his. He had a small smile on his face, as he took me to one of the bigger rooms I haven't come across yet in his chamber. When we walk in... my mouth naturally drops open, and my eyes widen in such awe. Looking up and around the room, was a big thick glass. The barrier protecting us from space. But when looking outside the window, it was magical. There was a nebula right outside the glass. It seem tangible... but yet it was mere lightyears away from our current distance. The colors were bright and cheerful. The stars aligning with the light green and blue. The dark purple giving it depth as well as the pink making it seem welcoming. It looked like a tear in outer space. There was a railing in front of the glass that I started to lean on. Too mesmerized to take my eyes off such a magnificent thing I may only see once. A small genuine smile appeared on my face. I felt like a little kid going into a zoo for the first time. I could just see Shadow looking at me while I admired everything around me. Shadow then looked outside towards the nebula, as he spoke softly.
Shadow: "Ya know... If I could turn back time, I would have never come to Mobius."
My eyes widened as I turned my attention towards Shadow. While his attention was stuck on the never ending paradox that we call outer space.
Sonic: "... Why?"
Shadow seemed unhappy with whatever was going on. Of course, I couldn't blame him. Knuckles hurt him and said some pretty harsh things. And a lot of the stuff that has been happening have only been happening because he's been around.
Shadow: "If I hadn't come to Mobius, you'd be happy. You'd have your brother, Knuckles would still have his legs... and you wouldn't have gotten something ripped away from you."
The ebony alien's ears lowered as I sighed and looked down. He was right, all of that would have happened... or who knows what. Eventually... Tails was going to die, but... what has happened to me and Knuckles were all completely uncalled for.
Sonic: "Shadow, even if you did come to Mobius. Even if you walked around and saw our world for what it was, if I hadn't let you into my house... then nothing would have become of us the way that it did. But Shadow, we can't change what has already happened. We are stuck with it. Sure, that's what sucks about life. But you can't lower the worth of life just because it's rough. Your world and life is completely different from mine. You saw my world as perfect, and I see my own as misleading. But we are two different people. Two whole different pasts and opinions. But that's what makes life special. Sure, meeting you has changed my life in more negatives ways than positive. But you were the first one I looked at and decided I wanted to be with forever. Then that judgement got my brother killed. It got us stuck on this ship. Yet... in some twisted way, I still love you. I don't know why, I may never know why. You may have done things that are seriously unforgiveable. But you couldn't control what Eggman did. You couldn't control what happened to Tails, or at least that's what you say. And heck, you couldn't control the fact Knuckles got this hurt. That was your leaders decision, not yours. You can't put all the blame on yourself. Yes, we had parts in it that ruined a lot... but in all fairness, you did mean harm at first, but you changed. You wanted a life, not one to be controlled and hurt over and over again. And I know what that feels like. The feeling you get when you're free, the wind blowing through your fur while running. The fresh air going through your nose and out through your mouth. The way you just feel so alive when no one is around to challenge you. It's a magical and mystical feeling to have. And you have never had it. Then you finally got it, you were dragged back to your original life. When looking at you, I can tell it's drowning."
Shadow was completely silent. He kept eye contact with me and never made a more, or even spoke. He just stared and listened intently. You could see in his eyes, with what I said healed something in him. Something that he probably never thought would be fixed. I finally looked at him and gave him a reassuring smile.
Sonic: "If I hadn't knocked you over on accident. I wouldn't have found that feeling I was missing all along."
Shadow: "... What feeling?"
Sonic: "... Love..."
Shadow's ears perked back up as he sighed. A small smile peaking at the corner of his lips. He then looked back at me... almost like he was studying me.
Shadow: "Ya know, my past isn't one I take lightly. My home planet is cruel and struck with no emotions apart from greed and envy. It's a sinful place I never wished to go back to once I met you three. Heck, love barely exists on our planet. When we mate, we have the kid... the female takes care of it, and the male just leaves. The female only gives the kid the bare minimum and the kid just learns to live off of it. I was that kid. My mom was just a asshole. I didn't look like her at all, I looked more like my dad. She hated him, and would be so hateful towards me. She would throw things and get angry so quickly. I got my anger issues from her most definitely. But as I go older, I just grew numb. Of course, everyone else had a mom that would at least be kind or wouldn't do things. But apparently I was the weird kid, one that people would look at and laugh. I hated it honestly... but that's how I lived. And fuck, I worked hard, I drained myself and begged for this job. Because if I didn't my mom wouldn't even look my direction. But once I realized that my job was to destroy other people's lives... I realized I signed up for the wrong thing. Once I met you guys, I realized there was more to life than just taking over and control. And I wanted that... desperately. But my world would never give it to me."
I was speechless. How could such world exist? How can you even coexist with others when you don't even find love with the people that live with or around you?! That must have been aggravating to go through at such a young age. I could never imagine such a life where everyone got no love... let alone never giving it out with free will or unconditionally.
Shadow: "What about you?"
Sonic: "Hm?"
Shadow: "Your past. Since were getting the truth out there, we might as well try and bond and be honest with ourselves as well as each other."
I froze. I never really spoke about my past to anyone. The only one who knew what I had gone through was Tails. It was difficult to even wrap my own head around something so harsh. And when thinking about speaking of my past, it made me nauseous. I wanted to hide, but I also knew it would be better if I spoke now rather than later. I took a long deep breath and cleared my mind.
Sonic: "I was born into a royal family. I never really fit in. Of course, I was born a girl and I wanted to be rough. Be like the boys, grow up to be like my brother... but no, I was supposed to be the perfect little girl. I didn't want that, I knew I wasn't perfect. Everything I did that a girl was supposed to be able to do, I seemed to fail or not do it correctly in their eyes. But everything I did that my brother did. I did it perfectly, I loved it... the freedom I felt when being a boy in my family. I could play in the mud, scratch my knee. Get a bruise and walk it off, play with swords and climb trees. But not, every time I was having fun or that freedom... it would be taken away. They'd put me back in a dress, I'd get cleaned off and forced to read and write in cursive. I had to smell like flowers and look elegant while walking around. Finally my dad started becoming verbally abusive to my mom, their relationship prior was rough... but it just got worse as I got older and more of a hand full. My dad would complain about my actions, how I always got out of line and tried to be like my older brother. My mom always got on me, saying I should be like my sister. My sister hated me, she always degraded me and would compare me to things that just lowered my worth more and more. But she was seen as the golden child... and it always pissed me and my brother off. He did as he was told, but never got credit for it since it was expected in a guy to be good or do good things. My sister was always so preppy and would always turn bad situations onto herself. If my brother or I ever got attention, she would purposefully injure herself to get the attention on her. It wasn't right. Eventually, my dad left. He hated the family and wanted nothing to do with us. The main reason he hated our family, was because of me. He said I was the mistake, the complete screw up of it all. And my mom started taking her rage and anger out on me. She would hit me, lock me in my room for days... maybe weeks. She would break my things that my brother gave me. Finally, I was sixteen years old. My mom forced me into a tight red dress and introduced me to some prince not too far from our kingdom. Apparently, she was trying to arrange a secret marriage with me and this random... prince. She forced us to kiss, forced us to do things that were so degrading to me. I hated it. He always called me girly things, forcing everything upon me like I owed him something. One day, I went out on my own and used all the money I saved up to get top surgery on myself. I came back in a suit, and I sounded a bit more like a guy, too. They were all mortified, apart from my brother. He supported me throughout all of it. My mom was furious and asked the guy to do something to me that I never consented to. And of course, my brother caught the guy before it ended up happening. My brother was furious and lost it on both the guy and our mom. After he lashed out at our mom... I never saw him again. I don't know he was executed, banished... ran away, I don't know. But he left and I was stuck with a family who only wanted to hurt me. I couldn't handle it anymore and started doing self-harm. My mom didn't care, neither did my sister... or so I thought. The older she got, the nicer she got... my sister I mean. And one day... I tried ending it, all of it. My sister was trying to find me and caught me before the action ever took place. I can still remember the look on her face when she saw the noose hanging from my ceiling. It hurts... because after that, she begged for me not to go... she begged for me to stay and not leave. She asked why I did it, I explained it all to her and she felt terrible. Then she spoke to our mom as well, and she too disappeared. After that, I ran away... couldn't deal with the abuse and harsh environment anymore. I then found Tails... I was seventeen and Tails was fourteen at the time."
The empty room went was quiet. I could hear my own heartbeat when I stopped speaking. I knew what I said was a lot, and was too much to take in all at once. I sighed and then gave Shadow a weak smile. Before I could even speak, Shadow hugged me. It startled me at first, but then I adapted and hugged him back. I could hear him sniffling and holding me with all of his might, but not enough to hurt me. I seemed to have hit a nerve or at least said enough to flick on a deep emotion. He then spoke, his voice shaky.
Shadow: "I am s-so sorry you ever h-had to go through such a living hell. Y-You deserved more than that... you know that, r-right?"
My eyes teared up, I felt like I deserved nothing after what happened when I was younger. But no, people were saying otherwise. Meaning Tails, who... was gone. And Shadow, someone who thought he'd never have a bond with again. I always thought of myself as a mess up or a screw up. Always scared to hurt someone to the brink of mental and emotional turmoil. I cried into Shadow's shoulder and gripped at his back.
Sonic: "... I know th-that now..."
We stayed there hugging one another for a while. Not letting go, not moving... just crying and letting each other heal slightly by being held. It was a bit uncomfortable to me in the moment, but I got over it quickly. I just wanted to know someone cared, other than Knuckles. It was a feeling that always choked me and my emotions. I rarely knew how to cope with these strong feelings. My family never taught me. And Tails was always my escape, he always was the one to be there for me when I needed a pick me up. But that was in the past, now Shadow was here. And I needed to accept that my life would be different from here on out. The bright colors of the nebula outside of the glass illuminated the quiet and empty room. The bright colors shinning on our fur as he we stayed still just a bit longer. Finally, we pulled away and looked at one another. Shadow saw me still crying, as he slowly put his claw up to my cheek and wiped the tears from my face. He gave me a reassuring yet weak smile. I gave him one right back, leaning my head into his claw like it was a pillow. That's when I looked back outside and stared at the nebula. As I mumbled underneath my breath.
Sonic: "We should probably get some sleep... and... you should make sure your leader doesn't try to kill me and Knuckles now that we are staying in your chamber."
I chuckled as Shadow scoffed and rolled his eyes in amusement.
Shadow: "I'll figure something out before anything else happens."
I smiled again, glad the tension between Shadow and I was debunked. It felt nice, not being so angry at him... or feeling like it was all his fault. I could finally think clearly, like I wasn't trapped in a box. Shadow then opened up his arms once more, seeing if it was okay to hug me again. I gave him a small nod, as he wrapped hi arms around me and whispered.
Shadow: "Get some sleep, Sonic. I'll see you later."
I hugged him back, as both of our arms dropped and I made my way back to the guest room. I closed the door behind me and laid there quietly for a few moments. My mind blank and clear of any thoughts that could disturb my sleep. My eyes slowly closed as I fell asleep.
My eyes then open, seeing myself surrounded by dandelions. I sit up and look around. The sun was setting, while the meadow of dandelions was swaying with the warm breeze. This was a better dream than the ones I had been having recently. As I then get up, brushing the dirt off my back and head. I looked around for a moment. As I then hear a familiar voice behind me.
Tails: "Hey, older brother..."
I turned around and looked as Tails, it was him. The orange fur, the colorful turquoise eyes. His little pouch he carried around everywhere. And his smile... god I missed it.
Sonic: "... Tails, is it really you..?"
The two tailed fox nodded his head, his smile was genuine and full of what life was in him. I could feel my eyes tearing up as he then sat down, looking towards the sun setting. He pat the ground next to him, as I followed lead... I sat down next to him. My ear flicked as I looked at the sunset. It reminded me of the nebula I just witnessed with Shadow.
Tails: "Your healing..."
My ears perked up, confused of what he meant by 'healing'. I chuckled and looked at him with pure curiosity.
Sonic: "What do you mean healing, little bro?"
Tails smiled as we made eye contact for a second, as he then looked back at the sunset.
Tails: "When I looked at you, I could see those emotional and mental scars healing. You've finally accepted what has become of you and what life has thrown at you. Your even opening up about your past... and.. most importantly, you aren't blaming yourself for my death anymore."
I went silent, it felt like I was talking to the real Tails. Or maybe it was him and he was reaching out to tell me everything would be okay. I could feel like he was actually here with me... and this wasn't solely just a dream.
Sonic: "... Yeah. I don't... but it's pretty lonely without ya here with me, buddy. It gets pretty quiet and uncomfortable without you being around 24/7."
Tails giggled, happy to hear his friend and most importantly, his older brother still missed him. It felt nice to know that Sonic still truly care about what had happened. But it was time for Sonic to let it go.
Tails: "And it gets pretty scary here..."
Sonic: "...Here? What do you mean here?"
Tails: "In the beyond. Sure, it's a beautiful place... more than I could have ever hoped for after I passed on. But... I have been having to watch you. I tried reaching you a couple times, but your subconscious seemed to be in way more control. Considering you've been through hell and back, you have been stuck in a lot of negative thoughts. Ones I couldn't even wrap my head around hearing. And now that I can finally talk to you... at least one last time, I want to tell you something. Something very important that I want you to keep forever in your mind."
I didn't know what to expect next. whether it would be a final goodbye, or if it would just be some random message. I listened closely, wanting to hear every word Tails had left to give a ear to.
Tails: "You're an amazing brother, one I never asked for... but was lucky I got. You've changed so many lives in such a good way. When you came into my life, you protected me from bullies... I was popular and I even got to express myself more when you bought me tools and stuff to make. With Knuckles, you were able to get him of Angel Island. He never wanted to leave, scared it would be caught in the wrong peoples hands. But you got him away from it, he grew more as a person. He even took care of us both, almost like a dad... a dad we never had. And Shadow, now... listening to your guys' conversation earlier. He has had a rough patch too. And you've helped him see through such a dark part in his life. You made him change. You made a villain want to be better. Now that's something I've never seen someone do in their entire life. You helped Amy find her true love and her passion. You helped rouge find her escape... away from smoking and getting a better life. You even watched Cream grow and become a great young lady. Heck... she's fourteen now, and it was an amazing thing to be her friend. It was an amazing experience to be your friend, and your little brother. I never knew how much you meant to me until I saw the chaos spear going in your direction. It was either you, or me. And I took the risk. I knew out of everyone on Mobius, you'd be someone of great use and help. You've changed so many lives for the better, and you don't even realize it. And I wanted your great gift to keep going on. I wanted you to continue to inspire people to keep going even when they don't feel like it. You've had a rough life, twists and turns at every corner. But that's what makes living so special, so unique and so worth the experience that you only get one shot at. And even with you and how you tried to end it all. Yet even afterwards, you still kept going... you still stayed. I mean, you could have ended it before you met me... but no you still went on, knowing life didn't have the best plan for you. And it's still going at your throat, but yet you continue to stay, you continue to fight. And I want someone as strong as you to stay on this mortal plane. If no one else says it to you, Sonic... I will. I am very proud of who you are, and who you've become. And I am proud to be considered your younger brother. I never knew how much I meant to you until I was gone. Sometimes I wish I could go back and have stopped the situation better, but not with the cards I was delt at the time. You never cease to surprise me, Sonic. Hopefully one day you can join me... naturally, of course. I don't wish for anything bad upon you just so you can see me once again."
I had tears falling down my face. I couldn't stop crying no matter how hard I kept trying to hold back these strong feelings. I felt my head get heavy again, but my body felt lighter knowing all about this. I always thought I was nothing compared to others, but knowing I made such a difference in his eyes. It almost made my body just want to spring up and jump for joy. But I was not want to move out of my spot, I was just too stuck in the moment to even look away from him.
Tails: "By the way, Sonic. May I ask a question?"
I wiped the tears from my face and chuckled, trying to clear my throat before a speak or open my mouth.
Sonic: "S-Sure, what's up buddy?"
Tails: "... Why do you keep going? You always seem to struggle and get down to a very low level. But even when you're given the option... you pull away and keep running. You keep up a smile and keep everything in order. Why do you still try?"
That was a hard yet easy question to answer, a very loaded question at that. I never had been asked that. And when thinking about it, I never thought to deep into the subject. But now I had to so I could answer this question clearly.
Sonic: "In all honesty, Tails. I don't quite know why. Maybe it's the freedom I feel when running or when I'm around people and out of my mind. Maybe it's because I know if I stay, even if I hurt some people, I could help others. Maybe it is because... I cherish what I have left and what I want to give. Life isn't all that bad. Yeah, it sucks a lot more than it does have good times. But that's why you cherish every good moment you can get. Life can get you down and it can bring you to dark places that even a brightest flashlight can't even see into. I love being alive, even with how much it pulls at my neck and tugs at my sleeves... I still want to breathe and give whatever else I can to the universe before it's too late to do so."
Tails smiled, and it felt nice to finally bring the words out of my mouth. I does suck to live sometimes, but I don't want to be stuck under dirt... I don't want to be trapped while I'm gone. I want to breathe the fresh air and run through the win at full speed. That's what I live for, the passion, the beauty of it all. I don't live to just... live. I live to make it worth while, even if it isn't all that it's cut out to be. And I will keep ahold of every moment I got before my time is up in this world.
Tails: "... That's all I wanted to know."
Tails then stood up as I did the same. It felt nice talking to him after such a harsh couple of months. It wasn't all that great, but I'm glad I got to speak to him... even if this is the very last time I do. I'll keep that memory in my pocket forever. I opened my arms as Tails teared up slightly.
Sonic: "One last hug before we have to go our separate ways, little brother?"
Tails nodded his head as he started crying. He wrapped his arms around me, as I did the same to him. I rubbed his head, feeling his fur under my fingertips. I didn't want to let him go, it was going to be hard to say goodbye again. But maybe... this wasn't goodbye forever, maybe a cya later alligator, or after a while crocodile. I finally pulled away from the hug and wiped his tears. As I spoke, showing my first genuine smile that I had missed having since day one.
Sonic: "... I guess I'll catch you on the flip side when the time is right."
Tails nodded his head and smiled back towards me. I can't explain the happiness I felt from this, it was all too much to comprehend. But I most certainly won't be forgetting this, I will never let it down and I will never let myself think I am nothing more than a grimy penny on a street corner. Because every penny has their lucky days, and hopefully everything will be looking up from here. I closed my eyes, feeling my body drifting.
Opening my eyes, I wake up to looking at a blank ceiling and the sheets on my bed stayed in place. I sat up slowly, as I let myself fall into the deep emotions I got from talking to Tails once more. The tears dripped and soaked into the comforters. I felt lighter, of course... I still felt things I didn't want to feel. But knowing everything that Tails told me when I was in need of hearing those things. I never wanted to let go of the fact that this was one of the best moments in my life. I took a slow deep breath in through my nose and out through my mouth. My body relaxed on the headboard of the bed as I smiled. Closing my eyes to keep my body in it's relaxed state. This was all I could have asked for in the moment. And now I am ready to go in to whatever life had left in store for me.

To Be Continued. . .
(I based this chapter off of some news and some recent feelings I have had. I got a video on my Tiktok on new years, showing 78 people had already committed suicide. And my friend even alerted me that there has been way more that have already taken place. I just want to let people know that life is worth living... even if you don't feel like taking that leap, I believe you should stay. No one can replace you. You are not some object that you can buy at your local Walmart and get replaced. No... you are special, and unique. Everyone deserves a chance at life, everyone deserve to be given the right to have freedom and grow. And I am so sorry to the families that have already lost someone to it. I have faced it with myself, and it isn't a good feeling. I want you to know that you are seen... especially in my writing. Please, take care. And have a good rest of your day/night/evening.)