a 21st century lover

Wishing

Wishing - October 4, 2023

 Can I try to change your mind? Can we go back to how we were before? Back when you and I weren't so estranged and could look at each other without feeling burned and bruised? Hold your hand feel your tight squeezes and tugs and not the cold, biting air. Watch you go down the street ahead prancing and dancing without a care instead of only being able to see the back of your head get lost in the crowd. Be next to you, knowing your warm presence enough for me to bury my face into your shoulder rather than fall face-first into the snowy ground. So many wishes but one phrase was enough to shatter it all. As if I had crashed into a wall, I can feel every part of my body crumble and lose all power. I can no longer be myself. Not when you refuse to leave me alone and depart from my life. Might it be both a blessing and a curse? At this point, I am too delirious to even try to comprehend my own complexity. Let me wallow in my sorrows and contemplate every aspect of my life. What am I even doing anymore? Nothing makes sense anymore with you gone emotionally yet not physically.

Cracks spread throughout my soul. I feel my whole stature suddenly tremble and my foundation go weak. Had me fall so hard when that was never the plan. You made yourself my entire world, which you threw aside as if it was nothing but a pest. What a dumbass I was to believe your lies. Even so, I could have treated you better than he ever did. Could have given you my everything and more but decided that wasn't enough from me, giving him your everything when all I received was the cold shoulder. Be like that if you want because I'm done. Done with being mistreated and manipulated into pleasing you when I put myself through misery. I deserve to feel accomplished and content when I go out of my way to show my appreciation for someone and not doubt that I am not doing enough. Give me back my time. Give me back the days of tears and silent nights in the dark. Let me go back and not meet you on that warm day. Exchange the days of trips to the small coffee shop at the corner for the days I could have spent watching my dramas, dreaming of what romance and love really are. Burn my shit if you care for me no more. Bash me to your friends when you go out with them if you want. I could care less now that I have no more excuses in defending why I fell in love with one's tar-filled heart. It's better to let go than to cling to your toxic love. I will prove to you that I am enough and that what I can give to someone I love is more than adequate. Watch as you lose the only closest person who saw you as more than others say you are. Watch as I become almost unrecognizable and gone from your grasp entirely.