a 21st century lover

ocean

ocean - February 5, 2024

Everything was perfect. It is as if the world has come to a halt. For miles long and wide, all I see is water. A vast ocean of calmness and serenity. I remember what life was like before coming here. Every day was a struggle to wake up but was worth it as long as I knew she was in my life. She calmed the seas. She was the land for me to finally feel stable. And I dreamed of loving her at the end of the day every single day. Every goddamn day. I prayed we would be the endgame. And, like all things, there came a time when it was no more. We separated and looked for our endings without each other in it. And she found hers. I was happy that she smiled again. Seeing her find the happiness felt like I had also won. Yet, it wasn't the same. I see them and smile and look beside me. No one. They look at each other with so much love and I have no one.

It hurts. All the feelings I've ever had for her come to mind. Yet, there was no leaving the still world. Here I could rest in peace but am forced to watch her fall for someone who isn't me. It just hurts. I look into the water and see not myself but her. Her with him. I see them go together. They kiss. They hold hands. They look into each other's eyes and smile at one another. My shouts become turbulent. The oceans are no longer calm but raging tsunamis. Every embrace that I see becomes another thunder. The skies become cloudy and rain hell upon the waters. Every time I scream and cry, thunder crashes. Every time I swat at the reflection, waves rise and crash. Why is it that I am still alone? Inside me is a storm that went on without rest. No one to calm me and bring back the serene world. No. It continues to rage on. A never-ending storm, destroying everything and itself. An internal storm brought out of me. Everywhere was chaos filling the world with crushing waves and lightning. And so, it shall remain this way. As she goes on and brings the perfect serene, calm ocean to him, I will reduce my oceans into a dead man's grave.