a 21st century lover

tell me

tell me - November 28, 2023

"tell me". That is all that I ask of you. Tell me why we are the way we are. Why can't you ever see me? I'm here shouting your name, but you treat me as if I were a leaf in a hurricane. Helplessly alone and dragged along for the ride. My brittle heart cannot handle this much pain. I cannot relive this moment for the rest of my life. How many more hardships must I endure for you? Do you even notice how much pain I am in? I know that you tried your best. Some things we could have done differently. Still, for two months, I have done nothing but wait for you. Every day, I succumb to my jealousy, worries, anxiety, and thoughts. Did you leave me for someone new? Will you abandon me without a single goodbye? Tell me. Tell me so that I may properly prepare another burial for another part of my heart. You know that this wasn't the first time I've been abandoned. How easily burned and discarded I was in the game of love. I was only the trial run before they would go find the love of their life. The tutorial, so to speak, When will it be my turn? I thought that that day when we met things would be different. Now, I don't know what to make of this. Tell me, please.

"tell me". Tell me so that I can no longer make excuses for you. How I was able to live and hope for you was by deluding myself with the possibilities. You were too busy to make time for me. School and work took away the time that we could have rekindled the spark again. But, I could only hope for so long before my mind began to fear the worst possible answers. Maybe it was me. I was too obsessive. Too forthcoming with my feelings and interests. Bothering you to the point I was a nuisance. Even though you liked me first, I fell harder for you. That is just how I love. I was vulnerable with you. Our conversation filled my heart with our innocence when I believed I had lost mine. You helped me regain what it was like to love so purely. In this world of sex and complicated labels, you made everything so simple and peaceful. I worried not for what we were, what stage we were at, or anything like that. It was as simple as one plus one equals two. You liked me. I like you harder. And I still do. I guess the spark you felt when you saw me faded given how I seem to be the last thing on your mind. Our texts are no longer a priority. My calls are only met with the voice of your voicemail. Still, I held on. I griped onto you because I didn't want to lose what was important to me. A relationship where I didn't need to conform to today's standard of love. A simple reciprocated crush where I fall even more than I thought for you. The classic "she fell first, but he fell harder".

"tell me". Tell me the truth. Tell me so that I can be discarded once more. Don't worry if you're going to hurt me. I rather be hurt and shatter more of myself than give myself more hope. For if I continue to hold on like now, I worry I won't be able to handle what I see. Tell me that I'm annoying, I'm no longer the person you had feelings for, I'm someone that wasn't right for you. Say it all and more. Give me a headstart than delay this charade. I beg of you! End everything now! Do it now! DO IT!

tell me now. just tell me.