a 21st century lover

Mixed Signals

Mixed Signals - February 25, 2024 

I guess I'm just too used to getting attached and left in the dust. I got my hopes up that I can finally find someone who appreciates me and my company. Is that too much to ask for? For once, can I not be treated like an expendable anymore? Let me feel human and be treated as such. But sadly, I guess that's too much to ask from you. Maybe it's my fault. I went in faster than you were ready for. Played my hand too early and went all-in at the first hint I got. I get it now. I get it. I'm too much. My thoughts of you are too burdensome for you. My constant need to make sure you're okay and tell you that I miss you is bugging you. You want space. Time. Anything to get away from me. Fine. Let's leave it at that, then. Ignore my feelings. Ignore me wanting someone to let me feel like I was appreciated. Initiate no contact first. Do it. Even when you used to complain to me that you value communication. That you wanted someone that was different and was willing to put in some effort to understand you. Clearly, it makes sense. Just how you said you were the type to always call someone everyday and get to know them while you forget to even text me. Or like how you would call me cute but act as if I'm annoying or bothering you so much. So many signs. So many signals. It's so obvious to figure you out. Should've been, right? You could never give me mixed signals. I see it ALL clearly now. Nothing more needs to be said. No excuses are needed.

All you needed to do was just tell me. You didn't need to block me and just leave me out of the discussion like everyone again. Now, I'm here wondering why you did so much to do the opposite. You tell me that you want to be comfortable with me but don't even bother to tell me about your life. You get worried about how I am but don't ask me if something happened. Even after I told you I'd always be honest with you. I see how it is. This is your game, then. Make yourself seem vulnerable with me to get me to open up to you. Let myself be myself with you and rely more onto your attention. Then, when it gets too boring, go away as if I had no real value. Make me feel useless and unloved as I had always felt before. Great. Perfect. Just another victim of you. What's so ironic and hypocritical is you making me believe you were different. You would go on and on about how men don't treat you the way you want to be treated and give you so much trauma. Yet, here you are doing what they did to you to me. You made me think about myself and my qualities like my height and personality but said they were enough. Under the excuse that "I was cute", you dismiss me as if I'm not attractive if not for my face. No more of this nonsense. No more letting you go on and break me down like I was a plaything. Go fuck yourself and your lies. Go spew your pity at next victim. Just keep in mind that I was genuine when we would talk. Now, I can only hope that you feel what I feel. What it feels like to be lied to, manipulated, played with, tossed around, and thrown to the floor. No more reading you my letters. No more wanting your validation and attention. No more "I miss you" texts. Experience your pain and trauma again tenfold. Relearn your lessons and see your broken reflection. You say who you say you are but your reflection tells a different story. Let your actions match your words. Stick to your beliefs and morals. Until then, go fuck yourself and your mixed signals.

Sincerely,

John the Poet