a 21st century lover

My Heaven

My Heaven - April 26, 2024 

Ascended past this burnt and ruined Earth. I find myself not in the same gray clouds of smoke that suffocated me. Rather, I am in the sky. It is no longer black and tastes like ash. It is clear and blue and bright. The air is crisp and refreshing. My hands are not cracked and rough. My throat is not plagued by endless coughs and gags. My burdens and weights flow away like doves into the ever-growing horizon. A beautiful blend of white and blue. A scenery that seemed to be pure and lovely. Leaving that hell behind, I felt as if I could move to my next life and live a good life. One that wouldn't be of suffering and strife. Even when I have received freedom and self-love, why do I find myself looking for you? In the land where everyone is at peace, my heart aches in anguish, sorrowful to you and demanding its retribution. Guilty of its crimes to you and all it burned in its fiery wake. Looking around this serene sight of heaven, I see not a single sign of you. What good is heaven if I still find myself in pain and heartache? Tears stream down my cheeks and my shoulders become heavy. My heart still bleeds onto the gentle, white clouds. I plead to God to grant one a chance. A moment to confide in you and beg for your forgiveness.

Then, I see you among the angels that float above. I am in awe of your presence that I couldn't face you. I bury my face onto the floor and kneel. Repeatedly confessing that I am sorry. Sorry that I had burned you and condemned you. So sorry for all that I have caused and destroyed. My words are slurred and incomprehensible. My eyes and nose become runny that I cannot see nor breathe. I apologize for a hundred. A thousand. A million times over. Even then, my heart cries and pours out the sins it had committed against you. I am unworthy and dare not to lift my head. Yet, you lift my head and I see you cry as well. You cry and stumble over your words. Saying that those should be the words you needed to say to me. That you should've been the one to beg for my forgiveness. Apologizing for the times that you had hurt me. For pushing me away when I needed you the most. For killing me who loved you wholeheartedly. At that moment, I choke on my words. My eyes tear up more. My nose is overrun with snot as I begin to bawl. I hold you and feel your familiar soul. I could never hate you We were imperfections in love. We didn't know how to love correctly. We made mistakes but all that mattered was that we came back. Even if it was the next life, I am thankful that I knew what an undying love is. Even if it was a tragic death, I will be forever thankful. No matter where we are, as long as you are by me, you become my heaven. Nothing could change that.

You save me from myself. Yes, we may drive each other crazy. I still love you endlessly. You are my safe zone. You are where I come home to. You are my heaven.